Examples:
-"We have great team culture" -> they are neutral with each other
-"Facetime is not required" -> but they'll call you out if you don't show up
-"We love you / We want you to come in immediately" -> they actually can't f***king wait to squeeze every ounce of energy from your waking hours with no regards to your emotional and physical well-being
| +77 | GF doesn’t care about her looks | 49 | 6h | |
| +44 | Affair with my Associate… In Desperate Need for Advice | 22 | 14h | |
| +39 | Insurance as High Finance? | 10 | 1d | |
| +38 | 400k/year in HVAC sales? | 26 | 17h | |
| +37 | How to sound more eloquent? | 13 | 5m | |
| +33 | Would you rather live alone in an outer borough or with roommates in Manhattan? | 23 | 1d | |
| +31 | Framed Photo of CEO on desk. | 16 | 2d | |
| +27 | Why do people listen to Jim Cramer Investing Advice? | 10 | 1h | |
| +25 | Is my boss gaslighting me? | 3 | 22m | |
| +25 | Carnivore Diet | 9 | 1h |
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On the call convincing me to accept their offer over a consulting company's, HR said I'd get a nice bonus.
Turns out analysts didn't get bonuses at this F100, as the blank stares I got from other analysts informed me a few months into the job. Should have read that offer package a lot more slowly.
That's slimy AF. How do you go about trusting your team after that?
Disclose the F100 name?
Brutal, at my first job the HR said 60k + 25% year end bonus. Turns out that was a "cap" and in reality the boss never gave out more than 15%
Same thing happened to me. Still waiting on the rest of that bonus.
In the interviews, I say that Goldman Sachs is one of the world's premiere financial institutions and that it's an incredible place to pursue a career.
A mere two weeks later, they're handcuffed to Janet Yellen in a Sex Dungeon in an undisclosed location in midtown Manhattan, moaning and screaming for me to whip them harder.
I fucking love capitalism.
“We’re very serious about protected Saturdays”
re: you working on a protected Saturday makes the MD look bad to HR, and will lead to a conversation about why you didn't get it done on Friday?
I protect my Saturdays for unprotected sex
Started out in a BO role when I made the switch from accounting to finance, so I my CPA.
Asked during the interview if they would have training/or reimbursement for CPE's, told me they would. Also asked about paying for grad school, said they would after six months, and was written in the employee handbook; that was pulled.
I think the ones you see the most often regard mobility within the firm, hours, or atmosphere. Usually, I think about the average BS you throw out in an interview is the same on there end.
"We have a very entrepreneurial culture"
=
You can make you own decisions as long as those are the exact decisions your boss would have made.
This is spot on
What an oxymoron. If you're applying to work for someone else, you are not an entrepreneur and likely want/need to be told what to do. They might as well say they have a very "non-capitalist" culture.
Eh, there's a middle ground in which you are enabled to make decisions, take risks, and deal with the results, good or bad, albeit with guidance. Most places don't find it, however.
Also can mean "we are unbelievably unorganized."
reminds me of this thread https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/things-employers-tell-interviewe…
The funniest ones that use this are the accounting roles. LOL "we have an entrepreneurial culture - yeah because we can recite rules and calculate your tax returns/ audit your statements.
Ah.. and I'm a qualified CA (even though I work in consulting) and I see this shit all the time. Makes me want to refund my membership.
[quote="CRE"] "We have a very entrepreneurial culture"
=
HA HA HA HA!!!! A used gun! That's a good one!
"Most analysts get in after 9am"
Nope, turned out to be before 8am.
That would be the bottom line for me. If you want me to work until 2-3 am and expect me to come in by 8 am the next morning every day, I'd rather die.
Agreed. That's dumb. I don't need to be in at 8 am unless you're a failure of a leader and incapable of planning.
That's insane.
"You will work on 3 statement models." Learned later on that hiring manager didn't really understand what a 3 statement model is..
Also, "we will pay for your MBA." Found out that meant, "we would pay for your MBA if it were cheap and if we liked you."
and if we then insisted on a couple of years of indentured servitude afterwards so you can pay us back
This was at a selective networking event for an EB that was basically the first round in EMEA (everyone at the event got fast tracked to the 2nd round).
Senior MD tells the prospective SAs that they have great hours and he forcibly send analysts home if they stay past 12am. Shortly after the conversation, prospective SAs recount this to a group of analysts who laugh for a solid 2 mins and give each other glances.
Event ended at around 11pm, and all the analyst/associates proceeded to head back to the office. Have a friend or two there now who says that MD has his analysts routinely stay until 3-4am every week.
Why would anyone in their right mind work until 4am?
I rather work till 4am editing powerpoint in IBD than counting condoms and pigs till 2am at a big four. That's why.
The firm was very nice culturally (besides the hours) + they paid far far far higher than the normal amount expected for junior employees + insane deal flow.
If you want the women, you gotta work late
Feels like I have been at the event too. (EVR right?)
Nah it is not EVR, but very close to it. Seems like all the EBs in EMEA act in a similar fashion.
That the job is exciting and every day is different. Not that I believe in this but interesting to hear people say this.
"We only hire the best people"
72 Virgins will be waiting for me after the completion of the job
Did they say they'd be female virgins?
Just virgin goats. Probably means he isn't working in Minneapolis or Europe.
"Great colleagues"
I was told this would be a finance job.
I spend 10-15 hours on the model. And then I spend 200 hours on the powerpoint slides.
I should have majored in graphic design.
This was me at my first job but Adobe InDesign. HORRIBLE.
"Our values are very important to us - we always do the right thing."
I was told interns would be given return offers if they performed well.
Busted my ass all summer. Turns out they don't offer it. You had to apply for the full time position. Last I checked, they aren't hiring anyone.
Press F to pay respects
great question thanks for posting
My first grad school internship
"Yeah, we're looking for Engineers with minimum BS degree, or students that have started on their Masters Degree. Big bonus if you've finished all your graduate classes and started on your thesis, it's a very critical job, often in direct contact with clients"
The job? IT customer support. Found out on first day of training, and was informed that this was all it would be.
Quit before lunch on the same day.
Damn that's ballsy. Respect.
What did you do after?
Been told these lies all the time:
"The bonuses here can be very good, up to a multiple of your salary"- for an associate position at a corp fin boutique.
Year 1:
Me: worked on a number of transactions that brought in a fair bit of fees for the firm, part of very small deal teams so not spreading out the moolah between a huge number of people. Compensation discussion: "You've not really been here for a full year so I'll just give you a small raise". 0 bonus
Year 2:
Me: Same as before, brought in a lot of fees on small teams, took on a lot more responsibility and was running some transactions largely on my own with limited input from MDs.
Compensation discussion: "Something has to change about you, I can't really give you much" (from the CEO) "So what exactly"? (Me) "Oh ask someone else, I don't know". Got an inflationary pay rise, second year of 0 bonuses.
Resigned 3 weeks later.
Next role at a small RE-PE: "50-100% bonuses, interesting work and a lot of responsibility, ability to get involved in different things"
Reality: firm doing extremely poorly (but well hidden during my initial DD of the company), no chance of bonuses/progression/pay rises. "Getting involved in different things" means I do front, middle and back office, but mostly just boring back office keeping the lights on type work.
''We really value contrarian views and actively look for people who think outside the box''.
Couldn't be further from truth. They love their box. They get mad if someone fucking touches it.
Company: It is important for us that our interns learn valuable skills during the 10 weeks and do not just do market research.
Reality:
A grand total of 2 hours were spent on modelling. At least it is a somewhat good brand on the CV.
"You have good opportunities to move in to FO from here"
Real question here, why does this crap exist? Surely I'm not the only one with a viewpoint that being honest and thoughtful to your employees would yield more productivity and better culture? Or are people running these firms actually just stupid
It sucks changing jobs so they feel if you don't completely hate your life then they can get a productivity year or two out of you.
There's so many points to touch on for this question in terms of the general concept and specificities as well.
The best example on why I can explain why this exists is Fraternity Rushing.
When you first step onto college, fraternities know you're most likely looking to go to college parties and hook up with girls. They show you the glimpses of what you want and let you convince yourself that this is the oasis. Turn to find out that you're getting hazed doing highly questionable activities, paying $1k+ every semester, and your house is actually bottom tier where you're only getting the lowest-tier sororities.
In terms of business, it works almost the same way. They know that they have to over promise and under deliver or else no one will reasonably join their firm. The difference is that society incentives people to stay for at least a year and half or fear being scrutinized by future job opportunities. So if they can get you to sign your soul away, they know they got you.
In IB especially, high turnover in the junior staff shouldn't (significantly) hurt the company's ability to generate deal flow which I'm basing on assumptions. Turnover is the norm of ib and won't change for a while unless you're in PJT. Sure employee retention would yield more productivity and culture, but IB doesn't give a f*** if they know they got twenty down monkeys on the sideline who are ready to fall for the mirage as well.
Edit: Was a bit harsh in previous edit so I've toned it down
Interesting. I’m somewhat familiar as I spent a couple years at a BB on an M&A group but I always found myself asking the question.
My plan is to start my own investment bank (I’ve already closed one deal) and get another young partner and younger staff, and treat it like a startup culture. Sure I won’t make as much money if I share more, but I’m not that greedy. Would rather have a solid firm pulling in $1-$2mm in deal fees and have a small team that loves to come to work than be a d*ck and utilize the BS societal standard that switching jobs means you suck, when it actuality it could mean you’re smart and trying to gain more diverse experience, thus making you more valuable.
Some people hate the actual work in IB but when I was an analyst and actually took a step back at it, it’s really not that bad and actually passes the time super quick. The hours and the people are just horrendous and inefficient (all of you know what I’m talking about when it’s 2am and you’re told to print, bind, and messenger a ****in PIB when it’s readily availble on PDF)
Also lolz to “minority sororities”
Lol minority race sororities? Sounds racist but okay
I don't think it's only the firms that are stupid. I speak as a past client of prestige US IBs and the people who break their ass to work for them and are usually treated like mugs. Whisper it if you dare but the ones you worship are once Masters of the Universe playing at way past their best. To be brutally honest the advice these firms provide at outrageous cost is often not half as good as they think it is.
" You are good compared to other weaker candidates, but I don't think you are going to fit in our culture."
Bro you have to get the job first. They were prob telling the truth on that one
"We have a no @$$hole policy"
First deal. Giant @$$hole on the deal. Unless he quit, I don't see him or his attitude going anywhere.
Were you at Baird bro hahaha? They spouted that same shit to me...and were total assholes.
No, but close. Lots of MMs and boutiques with the same “policy.”
..
During a Northwestern Mutual internship interview sophomore year of college
"Our top ten internship places kids into Investment Banking often"
Didn't need to be on the job to know that just wasn't true
So two good ones here:
1.) “We value work-life balance.”
Translation: “We value work-life balance for anyone not in finance.”
2.) “As part of your benefits package, you get 3 weeks of vacation.”
Translation: “For all departments besides finance, we allow for 3 weeks of vacation. For Finance, we allow a flex schedule where every vacation day must be made up on a weekend. We also will unabashedly criticize you and judge you for attempting to use days in the first place.”
"We're highly committed to diversity" = they hired an Asian intern... once
"We believe in work life balance" = you can leave the office at a reasonable time, but you must take your laptop with you and work from home after hours.
Or.. "great progression" (at a consulting firm) = there comes a time where you won't get promoted unless you get your kneepads out(figure of speech) no matter how good you are.
.
"We have a family culture"
It's a library here, no one even talks to each other.
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