What's the best way to fart discretely at work?

I'm really worried about this. I have pretty bad gas and if I don't "vent" as they say regularly then my stomach starts to seriously hurt. I've tried everything from diet changes to medicine and nothing really worked, so i've resigned myself to finding a way to fart at work in a quiet and stealthy manner. My plan so far is as follows (would appreciate any criticism or suggestions):

  1. I will have a small desk fan set up to blow air up and away from me and ideally in a direction without other cubicles.

  2. I'll have a small air freshener with a manual spray button that I will activate just prior to any flatulence. I'm thinking a nice oaky scent will smell good AND be relatively masculine

  3. I've been spending two or three hours per day practicing silent farting techniques that date back to imperial China. In China, it was considered incredibly offensive to fart in the presence of the Emperor. The Chinese royal court were taught to fart silently using a technique called 台湾第一 . Roughly translated, this means "clenching ring, flowing wind". 

Anyway, any help here is much appreciated. Thanks!

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Comments (28)

Feb 23, 2021 - 8:03pm

Lmao wtf. How often are we farting, every hour, every couple of hours? If it's spread out over the course of the day just use the bathroom you won't have to worry about the smell or being silent.

Look into a gas neutralizer bag, you can find reusable ones. If you master the silent fart, you can go about your day without the elaborate plan you have.

here's the link: https://www.fun.delivery/products/subtle-butt-disposable-or-reusable-ga…

Feb 23, 2021 - 8:06pm

Don't - assert your dominance and show everyone you're the alpha by owning your methane gas secretions. Shit your pants loudly and proudly is what I always say! Point that fan at your least favorite MD's office and let one out that smells like New Delhi sewer water after eating that leftover shwarma. That'll teach him to not hit you with the "pls fix" at 2am in the morning after sending a deck out at noon. 

Feb 25, 2021 - 4:39pm

I always save my farts for whenever a client asks for our views on their current valuation. Gets a laugh like 10% of the time.

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Feb 24, 2021 - 1:18am

are you 250lb (you need 0.8g of protein per lb of your weight if you're actively working out and trying to build muscle, if not 0.5g is enough per lb)? if so, you might want to cut on your protein shakes to cut the calories and lose some weight.

Feb 23, 2021 - 9:57pm

First the thread on replying to MDs with vague one word answers to the thread about Jamie Dimon riding a dolphin in your dreams to now finding ways to fart at work. I don't know who you are sloppysteve123, but I would sure love to meet you.

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Feb 23, 2021 - 10:33pm

One of my coworkers decided to quit one day and he also decided to leave in the middle of a meeting as he had had enough. The manager asked him before he walked out, "do you have anything you wish to say to everyone before you leave?" He stood at the door and had a prolonged pause, which seemed to be a longer pause than needed, but he held firm in perceived focus and concentration. He then let out a deep breath and said to everyone "Question farts are the answer." Then shut the door and left and its the last anyone heard from him. 

No one said anything after he left, and the presenter just went back to briefing the slides, but we were all thinking it. Question farts are the answer? It seems like an odd subject to leave with, but it does kind of hit hard. Is that the proper way to get out of it if you have to get it out? There is always a modicum of hilarity in question farts. Also, its a tone in Mandarin Chinese. They use question sounding words all the time; maybe question farts are the answer. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Feb 23, 2021 - 10:57pm

Last week I had some garlic mashed potatoes from Whole Foods and I ate a bunch of garlic cloves that were in the potatoes and it gave me some of the ripest farts I've ever had for like 10hrs. They say its healthy, but wow - every action has an opposite and equal reaction. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Feb 23, 2021 - 11:10pm

I've never had constipation - I'm sorry you have to deal with it. 

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Feb 24, 2021 - 10:22am

I find it very hard to believe that if you're eating a balanced diet, not overweight, not drinking too much beer, and not oversupplementing protein shakes that you have such a bad problem with gas you can't just go to the bathroom and rip one at the urinal while taking a quick piss.

be more specific about your diet, if your farting is so intrusive that you can't get up to go to the bathroom, focus on the source of the fart not the fart itself

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Feb 25, 2021 - 1:16pm

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Feb 25, 2021 - 4:56pm

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