Where exactly does confidence come from?
Hi WSO,
I got this a lot. Where exactly does confidence come from?
People say confidence comes from an attitude, a belief in oneself, a manufactured set of emotions. I've attempted to adopt that approach.
I believe I can talk to this MD, so I can
I believe I am desirable, so I am
It may work for others, but not for me. In fact, I've sorted myself out and concluded that confidence comes from substance. That's it. Nothing is manufactured or adopted. I am confident because I have it.
I have the title of Head of Desk, bring in money for the firm, so I can talk to this MD
I worked hard for my assets, that's why I'm desirable
What ya'll think? I'm not saying that the other approach doesn't work. I'm saying it doesn't work for me. And it became clear that I shouldn't be going to all these motivational talks. Rather, I should be spending that additional 3 hours in the office to do reading, research and work to build this substance.
Your thoughts?
Cheers,
Nijikon
HIT IS NOT CLEARLY TRUE
I know many people who are very smart and well mannered and awesome yet they are as confident as a rock who has been kicked around by people all his lfe!
I struggle with ocnfidence! Help me figure out how to get better and be better so I don't incrase my self confidence by posting on WSO!
Confidence is related to competence. Just like anxiety is the believe you are not gonna be able to handle situations that arise in the future confidence is believing you can navigate any situation easily.
In order to build confidence you have to constantly expose yourself to situations out of your comfort zone. It will eventually translate to being uncomfortable less frequently.
TLDR: do what scares you and after a while you’ll develop that innate confidence you speak of
act as if
How can I not be confident? My analyst class at Evercore is filled with virgins and wanna be artists. You have an analyst that either talks about PE, or an analyst that talks about art and how they wish they were an artist and how much they hate their job and how they're fueling capitalism, BUT MOMMY AND DADDY PAID 34,583,453 FOR THEIR IVY LEAGUE SQL!!!
If you need help, reach out. We are there for you.
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Honestly, it's good to know that other people struggle with this. Personally, I guess I'm one of those practice makes perfect guys. If you pay attention to not only what say but also your own mannerisms you should be fine. Staying hydrated and well fed might also help. It's stops who from getting distracted by bodily feedback.
My approach to gaining confidence dovetails with this. Substance and I'll add one more, technique. Nothing mental.
Practice what to say -> do it long enough and its second nature. Stay hydrated, well fed -> no surprise. Exercise regularly. Feel good, do good
The point here is that for me, confidence is more science than art.
Confidence comes from accepting who you are as an individual. Not running away from your weaknesses, but accepting them and improving them (only if you want to).
It does not come from material objects, how you look, how other people treat you. True confidence comes from finding inner peace.
Fair description, agree with some points. Yes, I do think that gaining confidence does have an element of accepting oneself. But let's look at this scenario.
My target ( right or wrong, that's not the point now for ): To rub shoulders with FX traders over drinks. My current position: I'm a trading assistant with little markets knowledge.
Accepting myself means that under no circumstances would I have the confidence to talk these to these traders. I've accepted that I am NOT a FO person, and thus am not in this circle. Nonetheless .. this acceptance marks the origin of that journey upwards. Read Bloomberg, understand markets, get an FO position, get substance!
This runs against the notion that even if you're not there yet, you can stick out your chest, show confidence, walk into the bar, hold steady with the trader's prompts, and chat with them. This may work for others but not for me.
I tend to agree with your comment. Reading the other comments in this thread, I can say this: confidence indeed comes from experience.
But what experience are you looking for here? You're mixing up social experience with work experience. What you're looking for is social experience --- not work experience. Having the confidence to drink beers with traders has little to do with actual work. Translating those conversations into something more is another thing.
For social confidence, you need to form your own identity, accept your flaws, and work on them (if you want to). This type of confidence will affect all your life in more ways than just career experience.
I believe that confidence comes from experience. Without the experience to confirm to you that you are good enough at something, how can you confidently believe that you are?
This aligns with my understanding. Confidence = experience = substance gain throughout the years.
Again, can an analyst have the confidence to talk his way into putting on large trades simply because he portrays he knows what he is doing? Based on my understanding, the answer is no. And thus affirms my approach to gaining confidence: add that extra 3 hours a day in the office to hasten gaining experience. Ok I think this way?
( specifically to me, stay back after your session and you get to learn a thing of two from the people working the next session )
Experience, aptitude, and courage. It requires courage to put yourself in circumstances where your aptitude kicks in (not knowledge - aptitude). Each time you do you gain experience. Then internal self talk "that was good or I need to work on that". Eventually, you'll build a war chest of "been there done that" so things won't rile you. That inner calmness derived from experience creates confidence.
Very different than cocky. I find most cocky people have false confidence meaning they haven't really "been there, done that".
I still read experience and aptitude as substance, namely the things you can get as long as you put in the time. No mental gymnastics to psycho yourself to an intended frame of mind. Correct?
Courage ... okay, that's enlightening. I'll try it. I interpret that as this: when one has the baseline experience and aptitude for a hostile situation, i.e. sticking firm with a price, jump into it. And after a few enough times, one gets seasoned, and one has the confidence to enter a similar hostile situation with ease.
The point here is that one must have done it.
Exactly! And every time you do it, you get better / more comfortable. Aptitude is more about your predisposition to be in the environment. It transforms into acumen with experience.
I think confidence is a function of two factors: your parents reinforcement of good behavior while growing up and your own successes.
Bingo. Your own success! I definitely know which one of the below two works for me:
Again, I emphasize that 1 may work for some people. But I know it doesn't for me. And detractors, will say "So owning an Aston gives you confidence?! WTH" And ask, anything wrong about this?
As stupid as it may sound, owning that luxury car you always wanted, through your hard work, undoubtedly gives you that base that you're capable, thereby gives you confidence.
Based on my experience over 10+ years:
Halo effect
I think its almost another skill or competence where people either naturally practice or are better set up to practice things that make you better or consciously practice.
for example, first time you’re in a new city or something with 0 friends do you go out and not have a great night then mope around or do you keep going out there and after a 100 times figure out how to make the night your bitch, make friends slowly but surely.
more attractive people LOOK better at being uncomfortable but they get socially awkward just as often. the difference is it’s not with girls because they want the D and that’s a pretty big part of life. even then attractive popular guys get nervous around people they think are attractive too.
just like everything else in life honestly most people just stick with their habits. but a small minority of people realize what confidence is and learns to practice it. can you get embarrassed 10 times before realizing how to act? can you throw up in front of everyone somewhere and then hang out with those people without feeling so embarrassed inside? what do you hide from that embarrassed you? if you are unfamiliar and uncomfortable with something do you run away? maybe thats overkill but if you figure out how to handle uncomfortable situations and not run away from them you’ll get more confidence. EVERYONE is not confident in situations they are unfamiliar with for things they don’t know how to do. EVERYONE. the difference is how you handle it.
not everyone is perfect but again, like the other poster mentioned attractive people or those who are really good at something will be confident in their field. that’s because they know the bounds of what is going on and the framework of how to do something. that lack of ambiguity underlies confidence, or lack of care over ambiguity.
tldr; get your numbers up in terms of people you talk to, things you do, etc. and you will naturally change into a like able confident person if you’re not brain dead. theres a way to be like able that you’ll soon figure out, there’s a way to be funny... especially with girls who are honestly very easy to get along with... there’s actually a huge correlation between intelligence and social skills in my opinion, typically people who are nerds can easily become funny or like able and confident socially if they just try and practice.
and being comfortable with yourself knowing you’re not set into one category and can always change and improve. also not caring if you potentially sound like a douche like I might in this post ha
It comes from having the correct combination of chemicals circulating in your body. Reductionist but true.
Your personal mix of chemicals comes partly from genetics, and partly from positive or negative feedback loops created by your behavior and life circumstances.
it comes from the morning nut sesh
I usually feel prety tired after doing it and then lethargic the entire day. Is this abnormal? I only do it at nigth as a result, but even then, I feel much better in the morning and the rest of the day if I hadn't done it in the first place. But it feels so good and something I look forward to at nights.
tl;dr just do it in the morning and before bed
Really just boils down to knowing the shit you are talking about (not necessary at work) and being objectively good at what you do, doesnt matter what. Having your private life together is also important. A good vocabulary also helps. Being healthy and exercising helps. Probably also helps if you know how to kill someone in hand to hand combat.
Now that I write and think about it, it really can't be boiled down to anything in particular. It's more like having your shit together generally.
Edit: just came back from the shitstool, it is also very important that you have more than one pillar that stems your functioning life or "confidence". In other words, you should not have too much too lose in any situation. If you don't you have confidence
I've come across a book discussing about this. Basically, confidence can be cumulated via series of small successes. For instance, promise yourself to go out for swimming for 1 day > success > promise yourself to swim at least 3 times a week for a month > success > so on. The punchline is a success streak (no matter how small it is) would build up confidence.
Do people really have this issue?
If you have an issue worth discussing talk to the dude in a formal setting. If not, don't. The break room is fair game for idle chatter with anyone.
I really don't get this fear. I have weekly small group calls with my SMD, and another with the Lead PM and COO of another department. (my department's COO just skypes me when needed) Lean in. One of my most fun times was when the CEO of our then $1/4T company choppered down to our office and had a five person meeting with us to ask where we thought the AM industry was going.
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of doubt. - Bertrand Russell
Confidence comes from preparation and self-trust.
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