Networking email template

I was just wondering if my cold email template was acceptable? I haven't been getting a lot of responses and was wondering if it's the wording of my template.

Dear Name,

My name is ____, and I’m currently a student at __ College pursuing a degree in Computer Information Systems.

I’m reaching out because I noticed from my research on LinkedIn that you work at ___ and your career journey is so inspiring. It would be great to learn more about your experiences and the qualities you feel have helped you become so successful. I would really appreciate your time and would be happy to schedule a phone call for a time that works best for you.

Thanks,

 
Most Helpful

Sounds too fake. Avoid "from my research on LinkedIn" "your career journey is so inspiring" and the 2 sentences that follow it. Be more upfront with your intentions for a phone call, are you looking for an internship or are you looking for "qualities that have helped them become successful"??? Be more genuine and get straight to the point (but make sure you don't come across as feeling entitled to a response)

 

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