Silly Shit Interns Do
Mod Note (Andy): Throwback Thursday - This was a originally posted in June 2012
So the interns are out in full force. Hoards of them.
(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)
I digress. I'm going to keep this brief and to the point, hopefully it's helpful to some young monkeys out there. But first, a joke:
What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?
The sperm has at least a 1/10,000 chance of becoming a human being.
I digress again. Here is the list:
Interns:
1) Stick out their hand for a shake EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME they see you. It's getting to be comical, and I'm about to start leaving these f*ckers hanging. Rule of thumb: don't shake hands when you casually bump into colleagues- in the subway, in the elevator, especially in the restroom- thou shalt not shake hands UNLESS i) you are meeting a senior person for the first time OR ii) if a hand is shown, obviously you shake it.
2) Seem not to realize that suit vents need to be clipped. I'm talking about those little flaps on your suitjacket that hang around your ass. They come sewn together - but you're supposed to clip that little string.
3) Should watch what they say to one another on the subway. We're listening. Even if we have earphones in, we may have the sound on mute to see if you're shitting on your group. We are smarter than you. Never forget that.
4) Should not be concerned about the brand that you're wearing. We don't expect you to come in wearing a hickey suit, Ferragamos and a Hermes tie. In fact, if you do dress as well as I do, I'll probably assume you're a spoiled little shit because I know for a FACT that you don't earn enough to drop $3,000 on one day's wardrobe.
5) Should not wear watches that are better than your superior's watch. See #4 logic. Some fucking intern was flashing around the cafe in a patek the other day. Seriously? I assumed it was his fathers, I also assumed the kid has a self esteem issue. Why else would an intern be wearing a 30k watch? Is he trying to make a statement? Well the only statement he made was "im a douchewaffle." good intern watch: tissot.
6) Should not leave the office before I do. Sit there and surf the internet or something- don't leave before your colleagues.
7) Should only talk about their background when asked. I don't care what you did in high school. When you talk about that shit I feel old - you want me to feel good when I talk to you. Not old. (brotip: bankers like to talk about themselves - generally speaking, we are arrogant and love to gloat about the deals we've structured. Ask us about that - oe our families- and we'll talk your ears off)
8) Wear big shirts. Maybe this is just me, but all the interns I see seem to swim in their dress shirts. Make sure your shit fits!
9) Should be wary of the company they keep- you will be judged by it.
10) Should NOT talk about fake IDs. I ask if you're 21- if you're not, say "no". Don't say "no, but I have a fake." This was actually said to me by my "mentee". Do you really think I'm going to hit the bar with you if you're not 21? Not a chance in hell.
Hopefully this means I will see fewer sewn suit vents, because that shit really gets under my skin.
lol this is absolute gold
have a silver on me
this is money hahah
9.4/10 would read again
You seem to always get the dumb hoards .
11) fall asleep in a group meeting
One intern at the office I worked in last summer literally fell asleep while a consultant was training him. Needless to say, he had a horrible rest of the summer.
Good thing he rested while the consultant was training him. Otherwise, he wouldn't survive the rest of the summer.
15-Send naked pics of yourself to your boyfriend.
Absolutely hilarious. I'll keep this in mind.
Sewn suit vents, good one.
12) talk about hitting golf balls at Chelsea Piers when I was working all weekend.
13) Send out emails without the attachments! (I am an intern and do this all the time, just to keep people on their toes of course)
why do we have to leave after you?
Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....
Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"
REply "Nothing"
"....Oh... really?"
But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm
my group dosen't have a manager he got fired a while back and so did a large amount of the group every one reports to director and knows what to do and who does what and we even get a group to watch what we do lol
You go to UConn?
That what one heck of a conversation killer. To avoid excessive journey, why not to temporarily rent a room somewhere near the office ? Should prove to be quite a cost saver.
man that blows my mind commuting 5 hours a day. I live in the hartford area and didnt even try for nyc firms cause of the commute? What are you in college, soph/jun?
Wrong, you're only allowed to book 40 hours.
May not be your experience but I guarantee there are a lot of college kids running around NYC in clothes they could never afford if they didn't have Dad's AmEx.
As an intern I agree with his comments on watches/clothes. In my opinion, you want to look good, but you also want to look like you need the job. Running around with a $30k watch on? You'll probably be OK in life if you don't get the offer. Even though I have some Hermes & Ferragamo ties (passed down/stolen out of Dad's closet), there's a reason I wear Jos A. Bank ties to the office.
I don't wear my watch to the office either. It's nowhere near a Patek (TAG) but it's nice. No need to risk anything when there's a job offer on the line.
I agree
keep your head down until you prove that you worth those stuff.
Just don't.
im in at 7 am out around 3 pm
7.30-5.30/6
My bank is very weird though. Small debt cap markets shop that is primarily S&T. I think they only do best efforts
6) is hard My colleagues usually work til at least ten and they even asked me to leave right after 6. I was like "what should i do?" LOL
I work 10hr days for nothing. I have no qualms about leaving whenever the office starts to empty out
Good stuff. Those silly interns!
Also, this could be a humor blog a la Stuff White People Like if you wanted it to be. I'm sure you could grow the list pretty steadily if you wanted to and you could pick hits up pretty quickly for a site called Silly Wall Street Interns or Silly New York Interns (if you wanted to be more general to include Law and other professions).
Just saying, there could be potential here.
I'm usually in at 8 and out by 6/630. My manager is usually there an hr earlier, at 7 and leave at around the same time.
i added more to my post above u
I don't give a fuck when I leave at my unpaid BB PWM
what's the rule for having a few beers at a company happy hour or team-building event when everyone is drinking and they assume you're 21 but not?
I was tempted to do this the other night at one of my firms events lol, the only person that knows i'm underage is my manager.
Already did it and it was fine because no one knew my age. But not sure if I should be more cautious in the future.
gotta print this for the next intern
I get to go on a booze cruise later this month. Company sponsored. Even though my internship is unpaid, this makes it worth it. I'm getting annihilated.
Booze cruise in a few weeks for me.
Hard liquor, here I come.
Oh please. OP, here's a list for you:
Silly shit assistant vice presidents do:
1) go on wall street oasis and write posts complaining about the silly shit their interns do.
The end.
There was a day when you were an annoying little intern shithead, too. So was I. Do the right thing - mentor them, help them instead of making fun of them.
Not trying to be Debby Downer, but posts like this irk me.
Waw! Someone with common sense, who does not forget where he came from.
Silver banana for you!
@ lol Assistant VP LOL
Haha, missed this post. LOL very funny. Regardless of if the OP is actually that position or not.
...I feel like this is mostly directed towards male interns only. Like really, those only douchey enough to shake someone's hand every time you see them. I mean who does that. It's obviously awkward. There was a good intern tip post earlier but only had like three tips. Don't make mistakes, ask good questions, read the news...Where are the little tips that we tend to overlook as a whole intern populace?
This is the fucking weirdest thing I've *Like ever read.
Despite your inability to translate your dialect into comprehensive internet English, I agree with you.
As a human-being, one should be able to read social circumstances enough to realize what is appropriate, and what is not.4
yep, that's positive encouraging stuff right there. i definitely want to work for that guy one day. since he's so encouraging and all. being an intern for that guy might just be the best internship in the history of mankind.
Who are you talking to? You're so mysterious...
i am on the bottom rung. i haven't even graduated undergrad yet. but i guarantee you i will strive to be the complete opposite of that kind of attitude when i am middle management someday. in fact, i am pretty sure it will give me a better chance of working my way to top management if i work hard enough and am gracious enough to encourage people who have the same dreams i had when i was young and naive; as of course i still am...
When I interned at a Boutique IB, we were given a $25 allowance for dinner. The internship was unpaid, but the dinner stipend and the free downtown parking pass was nice. That being said, one of my fellow interns made it his mission to get as close to the $25 limit as possible. Even when we had dinner at Chipotle, he ordered 3 burritos (2 for later) and the bill came out to $24.75. Needless the say, our MD got pissed and the dinner stipend rules were changed considerably afterwards.
Haha, good lord I imagine that guy got shit from the others.
your MD sounds greedy as fuck. He's using a supposedly high quality personnel for free anyways, and he can't even let that happen? Tell him to go fuck himself.
You seem like a fucking d-bag... that is all...
To all you silly shitheads whining about my post: grow a pair.
If any if you fuckers actually interned under me you'd know that I go way the hell out of my way to make sure a good intern gets a FT offer. And as far as mentoring, what the fuck do you think this post is about? I'm trying to point out silly shit interns do- so they will READ this and NOT do said silly shit any more, maybe, hopefully will look more mature and prepared for the workforce. Do you really think I stand to gain anything if you bastards start carrying yourselves a little more professionally?
And to the other whiners: no, I was never in your shoes. I never interned anywhere. I started in operations in 2006, and busted ass to get to my "middle management" front office, revenue generating position as a structured/lev fin banker.
You whiners are the reason WSO doesn't have more experienced folks putting time into the site. Too much riffraff and trollish bullshit.
Finally, to everyone who got a chuckle out of this and saw that I wasn't trying to shit on the help- rather, that my aim was to help the help: congratulations, you have a pair of testes.
I am willing to test this theory out. If you need an intern with a backstory similar to yours that's still waiting for a break, I'm your guy.
Your tone is off-putting.
I have seen your post history and I know you try to help, but you could communicate a little more effectively.
I respectfully disagree here. Take the tone with a pinch of salt and enjoy author's contribution. One of the most entertaining posts I've read in a while. Many thanks for the contribution!
Thoroughly enjoyed your post. It should prove useful during my internship this summer.
The problem with overdressing sounds like a bit of an exaggeration. Most of my colleagues work to support themselves with their studies. Not a chance in hell they would spend money on an overly lavish suit. Your experience?
You really wouldn't wear a tag to your office?
Well first, I'm not in NYC so there are less people blinging out around the office.
Second, yes. If I get the offer I'll wear it for FT, but I haven't proved anything yet and I'm keeping my head down until I do.
This is gold haha, I think some of us can learn better now
I know a J. Park. He is a nut job.
Thanks for the post, as an intern I appreciate to see how I aware from a "senior perspective". Remember just as you make assumptions about your superiors, they will certainly return the favor.
uconn is not in hartford ignorant...it's in storrs, ct
Not knowing something irrelevant and no one cares about is not ignorant.
UConn has a CAMPUS in Storrs, don't come with that "ignorant" word if you don't know how to use it. The point isn't about UConn being in Hartford it's about saying that UConn is the best public school in CT. Most kids from CT who do well (using the term extremely generally) but aren't incredibly gifted go to UConn instead of one of the CT private colleges.
Also, interns: Do not stare at anyone or anything no matter how fascinated or startled you are.
You've been getting your bewbs out again haven't you?
Yes :( I am sorry. I am trying to quit my boob showing addiction.
Tuxedo Jacket
Lol
10 is too funny.
10 is too funny.
Our T&L allows you to expense up to $25 per meal. I've seen people buy gift cards for $25 at cheaper restaurants, then proceed to pay with the gift card.
... cut backs are happening for a reason.
Hahaha I have another story about how to beat the system. When I interned at a BB we also had $25 dinner allowance. Another intern always asked the analysts in the office whether he could bring them their food. Every night he had a list for 5-6 analysts. Of course he had to pay on his own account first but got the whole reimbursement from HR.
This had two advantages:
All analysts loved him for getting their food
Most analysts didn't give a sh*t about the $25 anymore and just ordered a salad for $10. He than used the outstanding budget to buy stuff on his own. The HR didn't know who bought what as he only had one final bill. So every night he bought himself food for $50-$80. Not only dinner but also all his groceries and nonperishable stuff from expensive delicatessen shops ($30/4 oz of italian sausage or ham, pralines, caviar, truffles, etc.). He told me at the end of the internship that he has delicatessen food for $1500 at home
Genius....
Okay, I read through all the comments, and I have this to say:
1.) I think it's a great and entertaining post. 2.) I don't think AVP is in any way being rude or off-putting. If you can't take non-"talking with the professor"-language, you're going to be seriously held back. You need to know how to communicate with everyone, or you're going to be caught off guard when that new client that you really wanna land comes in and says something with the same tone. It's not a rude or off-putting tone - it's the way some people communicate. 3.) If you don't expect to get any shit or hazing (you guys call it that?) when you join a new job, especially in a work environment that the stereotypical banker works in, then you're going to have a shit of a time. Yes, a shit of a time. When I got the best high school job I ever had, it was the best because of what I learned about work culture - I was hazed like the snot-nosed-little-shit I was, talked rough to, "yelled" at I think is what some people call it, - I had to earn my name, for Christ's Sake: they called me Opie for some months until I started busting my ass off consistently and kicking ass at the job.
That's life. You gotta earn your stripes. Good for you, you have proved it to yourself - but like I said to the "Put IQ on CV?" guy, it doesn't matter if you've proved that to yourself until you prove it to others. There is a high chance that at least someone will treat you like this. If it really bothers you, first: recognize they don't mean it to harm you, and 2nd: speak very politely and honestly with them and ask them to change it up just a bit.
Basically, wise up. If you can't handle the heat, you're not gonna make it in the kitchen.
Double Post
Double Post
Great tips from OP. I think the offense it caused to some may come due to the tone, but the content is gold!
1."I have nothing to do" 2. Leaving espn.com on the screen while an Associate is at their desk.
the barren asshole of america is the largest cotton producing region in the U.S., and one of the biggest in the world. i dunno, not to mention all the oil. so yah, you know, definitely the barren asshole producing two of the most important commodities for the commodities traders to trade and most of the cotton for your 100 dollar premium cotton, tailored shirts. yaaahhh barren asshole alright. plus also cattle. lots and lots of cattle.
i love all this attention i'm getting! thanks guys! this has been fun, and enlightening. i have i learned WSO has much more to offer than i realized, and i will take that to heart, by golly. also there seems to be quite a fixation with anuses on this post. to each his own, i guess.
Get me coffee BWAHAHAHAHA
I like our interns, we got lucky this year, no jerks.
One thing though: if your family etc helped you get the inernship, don't flaunt that, it's poor form. These things will come up in conversation, but be tasteful.
I wanna highlight #3.... 5-mile radius at the very least before you start talking abt anything from work....
Interns put 5 teaspoons full of sugar and 3/4 of a cup of milk into their "coffee" too.
Thanks AVP
couple things..
@2 as much as i'm a promoter of cutting the thread on vents (cuz um..they should be cut), the very little thread on a vent did save my eyes last summer. it was the thread connecting the vent/slit in the back of a female's tight little pencil skirt. now here's a well known fact: chick gain weight (even just a little) usually when they start in the industry. and when you gain just a little weight, skirts/dresses they ride up when you walk. as the skirt rode up her behind with each step she stomped by my row.. i could feel the heads turning from both males and females around me. and after she made it far away enough (w/o malfunctions, surprisingly), someone blurted out loud: "thank God she did not know to cut the thread. "
@11 pulled that one myself. i as overwhelmed by the amount of new info so i either didnt sleep enough or just never slept well. got [honorably] invited to a management meeting by my manager on the desk. fell asleep. best part was another manager in the meeting [who obviously knew i was an intern just listening in] asked me about where i came from, school, major etc at end of the meeting. this guy sat across from me for 30min and probably watched me sleep right before our conversation.
@8 dont know where you work but .. i have the opposite problem. this whole skinny-jeans-is-okay-for-men trend right now is fucking this up for me. way too skinny shirts on the guys..
@10 / drinking at company events dumping beer bottles and drinking water works (except the water will taste nasty) but it does not work if at least 1 person in the room knows your underage. beer bottle = assumption that you're drinking beer. what i did was drinking a glass of seltzer water with a lime. so it sort of look like a vodka soda..which is also a fairly gender neutral drink (i.e. unlike white wine or some reddish mixed drink. dont get me started on martinis at crowded work events.)
I almost never post, just read the forms, but it looks like someone did make a twitter for this. https://twitter.com/#!/ShitInterns_Say
my boss disliked me after i told him i didn't like breaking bad
Your boss is justified.
Speaking of which, add Justified to the list of great shows currently on TV.
i locked keys in car! i was that intern :D
Leave it to a Red Raider to make the rest of us Texas guys look bad (joke).
Awesome post, AVP. Thanks!
His "Raider Rash" must be acting up today.
Had one intern legit take 5 hours to do one urgent page in my deck -- ended up fixing it myself after staying up till 4am trying to give the guy a shot. Silly shit interns do.
Let out big, exaggerated yawns....
GTFOOHWTS
Not fucking necessary. We let the kids go home if they don't need to be there, there's plenty of time to beat the life out of them.
It's more important that they come in before we do.
Under age interns bought us a round of drinks last year. Stupid thing to do.
~
What SHOULD you do if you're paid by the hour? I'm paid 8 hrs a day, 9-5, normal. Also commuting from 1.5 hrs away. Should I come early/stay late, or just work 9-5?
Be the first one in, last one out.
You want that offer, don't you?
Wrong. You're paid for a 12 hour day, just a much lower rate. Welcome to IBD.
I go to UTD, who are you??!
Is it fucked up that i talked about my fake during my IB internship?
I was (even) more of a little nerd back then and didn't know how to act in front of all the cool investment bankers haha
Don't talk about your fake, it's worse than acting like a Boston Frat bro at an NYC firm.
Hey guys I know this is a stupid question but i read a few comments on this post about networking events, and I was wondering if there were any of those Happy Hour events in the LA area.
As for the drinking thing, I am 21 now but I did mention I HAD a fake ID when I was underaged. Is that just as bad?
All the guys in my office are cool about the drinking thing...might be because we're all ER and not as high strung as the IB guys at the firm? My Sr. Analyst is an alum and low-30s and we talk about parties and the bar scene at our UG all the time.
I'd never talk about my fake. Luckily, I never had to use it during my SA when I was only 20yo.
Every person I've met from Hartford goes to UCONN
Lol I see the suit vents thing way too often.
Lol, you're a ruthless vato mang
I can unfortunately see that turn into a frivolous discrimination suit with the wrong crowd.
You mean to tell me they don't have a class on how to dress?!
Favourite must be prospective interns speaking with the teams to decide where to join. And then starting a thread here for advice from strangers instead..
Hey that is a good one. I never thought about wearing a better suit but the watch is kind of obvious.
Great post! SB. This always gives me a good laugh too.
15) Order hot chocolate at the expresso bar
Hey OP, pump my gas bitch.
-Your Superior
I agree with all but #6. If you don't have work, go home. It's not worth the bank's money for you to be sitting there surfing the net (most interns are hourly after all). If your boss has a stick up his butt that you're not sitting around rooting for him at 10pm or something, he probably has major self esteem issues. If he didn't give you any extra work by 8pm or so, ask him if there's anything you can do and if not, get the hell out of there.
Thank goodness I read through one of these types of threads during my senior year of high school so I haven't been too much of a try hard in my internships. I find it's all about mirroring those around you which seems to work well. As some others have said, be mindful of those around you and strive to look like the lowest rung on the ladder.
Spoken like a true cog in the machine.
Being that I just completed my summer internship I'm about the 1% non douche intern. There's no need to flaunt or show off. I wore brooks brothers a standard In my eyes. Shake hands once unless engaged and never did I talk bad. I am guilty of fake id... shit!
Lol, that sounds tough.
5 was great. Haha, my Tissot Visodate is my favorite watch. You don't need to splurge thousands for a nice Swiss-made.
The vents bother the crap out of me. My undergrad holds an event every year where alumni of the Finance Club come back to network with the current students in the club, and I swear I see 10 little sets of white X's every year...
There is absolutely no excuse to not cut off those damned strings on the back of your suit
Absolute champion
"douchewaffle" had me laughing. Like the post, great for future reference
**Silly Shit Interns Do, Part Deux ** I herewith revive this thread. I don’t work with interns any more, but I see them in meetings.
I usually just see them. Sit there, take notes occasionally, sometimes check their phones.
First, put the phone away. Not on the desk. In your pocket. Don’t look at it. Learn. That’s why you’re here.
And for god’s sake, ask questions!!! Why the fuck don’t these kids ask questions? They sit there too afraid to talk. Here are a few great questions to ask when you can’t contribute shit else to a meeting.
Why is this company profitable? Why is it losing money? What do we think about management? What’s the company’s approach to debt? Does the give its customers payment terms? What kind of payment terms does it get from suppliers? Is it a working capital intensive company? CapEx? Both? How does the company fund itself?
I mean really simply questions like this are not too hard to ask. I deal with this shit from new hires- they just sit there and take notes. Ask me a fucking question!!! Show you’re interested in business! Christ!
Rant over. Hope this helps some of you young monkeys out there. ASK QUESTIONS
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