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Career Resources
This one is always funny: pencils down.
Plz handle k thks Need to iterate on this Don’t go overboard We are dangerously close - invariably we weren’t
let's hit the alligator closest to the canoe
Canadian...or Floridan?
"pls show client resurgence in industry" "get creative this isn't a science" "wtf ER put a sell rating on our client" "get that guy back from vacation" "make better"
lmao, love all of these. Especially 1 & 3.
"get that guy back from vacation" is an underrated one.
'let's massage these numbers' is my all time favorite
Mentor is a former MD at 2 tier bank, BIG 4 by assets... he says shit like this all the time
sounds like wells fargo
"We've gotta handle the longest pole in the tent"
This sounds straight out of a cheap porn movie
"Erm.. why is the deck at v81... can we plz reset to v1"
They know why its at 81...
It haunts them at night (or you know, in the office)
https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/most-annoying-finance-jargonsphr…
https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/corporate-jargon-that-you-hate
https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forums/stop-using-these-30-phrases-at-w…
“Right, so...” “It’s just MATH”
"Put this on my tickler for next week."
From 10 minutes ago, without having explained the context of this assignment at all:
"I WAS THINKING MAINLY x. IF THERE ARE y'S, MAYBE WE PUT THOSE IN TOO? THINK ABOUT IT AND COME BACK TO ME. I WANT THIS TO BE USERFRIENDLY"
Others
"I find it hard to believe..."
After confirming that I have closed the loop on a huge headache that I managed to shield him from entirely:
"Cool"
tx
I've seen this MD paradox posted around the internet: "Don't spend all night on this champ, but I need this on my desk first thing in the morning"
This is too real. "I don't want you staying late but..." at 11pm at night.
TRIGGERED.
"Please change this slide" to fucking what? "Guys our slides need more pop I am thinking our presentations should look more mckinsey'esque" " plz find (vague description of file) for me" * MD refused access to the team server because he didn't feel he should be looking for a file
This sounds like sheer horror. Imagine how long it takes to change a deck from pragmatic to McKinsey
Or when they do have access but seem to never know
Does the Pope shit in the woods?
"Please add this guy to our list."
The guy is already on the list. Always.
What kind of list?
Coverage/contact lists.
"your raise will be effective when you are"
"She's built like brick shithouse, but the face could stop a freight train."
On what occasion would the MD say this?
It was used to describe a Cocktail Waitress. It implies that she has an amazing body but an ugly face. We all had to ask because we had not idea wtf he said.
Apparently... A brick Shit-house - implies that the utility is over-engineered. Face that could stop a freight train - Self explanatory
“Her face could make a freight train take a dirt road”
"I need a pot to shit in but there's piss all over the seat"
A brick in the washing machine.
this is the only analogy/simile I don't understand on this thread. Care to explain?
Don't completely know what this means, but I would assume that it's an analogy for a problem or a hurdle that needs to be taken care of. If there was a brick in the washing machine, it would be a problem and you would want to take it out, right?
.
When shit hits the storm. Throw a brick in a washing machine and watch it blow up.
youtube brick in washing machine, all will become clear.
"They're moving slower than a herd of turtles in a dust storm"
Lots of cricket references.... 1. "Play a straight bat" 2. "It's a bit of a sticky wicket" 3. "Let's bowl them an outside ball and see if they bat it back" 4. "They need to step up to the crease"
Standard IBD ones... 1. "Run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes" 2. "There's a smell of burning bridges here but I think they were already on fire" 3. "You can't put shit back in the donkey" 4. "We're going over for a fireside chat" 5. "We're in receive mode here" 6. "We need to sharpen the pencil" 7. "This is proper cavalier investment banking" 8. "Let's draw a line in the sand" 9. "Here's a starter for 10" 10. "We need to be inside the tent"
And some more amusing ones... 1. "You know what they say about divorce. Doubles the cost and halves the balance sheet" 2. "There's a lot of women who can get people to give them money but it doesn't make them good at equity sales" 3. "Apparently the Dubai version of [well known real estate agent] is looking to float. What are they selling? A 2 bed tent with space for camel parking?"
Bonus one from me to the CEO at the Christmas party after a few too many: 1. "Can I have $150 budget to go out drinking afterwards?"
Haha these are great. Having only recently gotten into cricket, what exactly does it mean to "bat it back"?
Those logos look fuzzy
awesome
"Let's crawl inside of this and explore"
"[asking for an update on any given menial task in all caps 3 times in 5 minutes]"
"ok ok k... cradle the pitch to me and rock it back and forth until it like doesn't cry and smell like poop"
"Lets straighten the spaghetti on this slide"
Still don't know what my MD was trying to say...
Where do MDs get these phrases from? If I were an MD many years down the line, I feel like I would never say this sort of stuff (even though it's kind of funny).
Maybe the MDs heard it from their MDs.
They learned it during their MD summer internship
+1 This was very neat.
"There is no try, there is only do" (this one earned him a nickname, no prizes for guessing what) "We need to be in bed with our clients" "Exercise relationship capital"
All of these are from the same MD, so he clearly has some practice.
make some fun out of pain, isnt that romantic
Had my MD tell our client to "Stop finger-fucking the model and make a decision"
Loudly on cell while walking through the floor: 'I'm tired of this fucking mental masturbation, quick fucking around with the scenario analysis and plant a yard stick in the dirt'.
"I don't want to make a mountain out of a mole hill here, but [insert obscene request]"
"Daddy big bucks" "Quit sucking and blowing and get back to the model" "Big action" "Let's barf these ideas out into a deck" "He's sweating like a whore in church" "Muckity muck" "We're the 800 pound gorilla - make sure they know" "We did pretty much everything for them except drop our skirts and say insert here" "Just because you have someone bent over doesn't mean you need to stick something sharp up their ass" "Get him on the blower"
Dan DiMicco, today on Squawk box
"Larry Kudlow doesn't know shit".
Thanks Dan.
Shit Management Says (Originally Posted: 08/26/2012)
thought you guys might be amused as well -- newish twitter feed that appears to be the complement to @shitanalystssay
http://www.twitter.com/shitmgmtsays
love the shitanalystssay feed thanks for pointing it out.
gold.
these two plus gselevator and wheninfinance might be the most entertaining feeds
i'm new to WSO and had never heard of wheninfinance! so thanks for that.
Hahaha
"Too many words, this literally needs to be a children's book"
“They’re going throw up all over this shit” “Noodle in this and get back to me” “She (CEO)’s gonna get her panties in a wad when she sees this” “You want some macro-ni and cheese with that excel model?”
MD's being MD's (Originally Posted: 06/03/2007)
The type of E-mail you strive to receive from an MD:
Please print 4 sets of the attached documents in color(staple each doc and black clip each set).
Also, please print 3 set in color of the Friday night draft( staple each doc and black clip each set).
I expect to be in the office by 4:30pm today.
Thanks.
My Sunday = Owned
thx.
Your Sunday got owned by a task that takes 10 minutes tops to do?
well given that ive been printing since about 5pm this evening to get my md's "track changes" colors to match...yes
'twas supposed to be an early night :-(
are you an intern?
not sure "black clipping" is a verb...
also - do you worry at all that you might be replaced by a Bizhub?
you had to print 7 books and your sunday is owned?
This is actually the most demoralising post I've ever read on this site. Am I really going to become someone who's sundays get "owned" by printing 2 files? And will the most important thing in my life really be to ensure that my MD's track changes colors match? Oh my....... =(
must be an intern at piper if he's owned by this.
why are you doing your own PnB anyways ?
Owned is trying to go home for Easter weekend, realizing a week in advance it's not going to happen and cancelling your trip. Then your parents agree to come visit you for the weekend, which is great because the weekend is starting to look like it might not be that bad. Then on Friday at 4PM your group head shits all over your book (even though your VP, Director, MD and an MD in a product group all signed off on it), leaving you there until 2AM every night that weekend while your parents and significant other sit around all weekend waiting for you to show up to dinner.
7 color copies is not owned, sorry.
look man...this wasn't supposed to be a "oneupsmanship" match..i was just pointing out that sometimes really mundane tasks come up that any regular person should be able to do..especially an MD...
plus, yes I had the same situation for easter weekend, I had to work on easter weekend, except I actually had real work to do...either ways im going to leave it at that, and just say that im sure you've had it much harder than i have
as for the other questions: yes im an intern (at the tail end of a 6 month internship) at a Bulge Bracket bank. Doing own PnB because MD refuses to type, etc.
look intern you dont count yet as anything so stop complaining (wow, I totally sound like VP material)
Printing books is sweet. Possibly the least intelligent thing that I do in a given week.
Always a nice break from your "thought-leading" slide attempts getting shit on
You should be grateful for having the opportunity to print your MD's books. Be sure to thank him for this valuable experience once you flipped through the pages in all copies to make sure the printing was done properly in each of them.
The key is to find some other sucker to do your shitwork for you...oh wait, you're an intern...
ratul...at least director material
all others who commented on "im an intern" - thanks so much, much appreciated
-
What division are you in? If you are "at the tail end of a 6 month internship) at a Bulge Bracket bank" I don't think you can be in ib, because I don't know any bb banks that offer intern programs outside of the summer or winternships.
you know what I love. It's that slowly and slowly this kid is getting completely owned.
I go to Northeastern University - 5 year school where we study for 6 months and work in the field for 6 months. Don't take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. www.neu.edu
and yes we do have programs at IB at bulge bracket banks. Id rather not name my bank, except that its a bulge bracket. im going to leave it at that, up to you to believe it or not.
Production refused to deal with it.
End of story..i was just trying to make a point, not have my working sunday be scrutinized to death. thanks for the interest anyways...
Northeastern? You just owned yourself. And don't worry, people will be able to figure out what bank you're working at -- you must be the only NE grad who got a job at on Wall Street as an analyst.
Thank You Mr. "Gods Gift to Earth"
even if he is an intern, that is just sad
-
thank you for solving all of my problems...clearly i posted the email to let everyone know what a "tough guy" iam!!!
as far as being nice to production, my relationship with production is great..they just refuse to deal with other people's documents when the "track changes" feature is used multiple times (especially since its gone to the client and come back multiple times)..
im glad you fully analyzed the situation and were completely aware of my office dynamics before posting...much appreciated!
-
This thread has been locked at the request of the original poster.
"You can choose your own flavor of ice cream."
"can you imagine what it's like fucking HER?" - sr MD to me about another MD
"Lets not boil the ocean here"
Averages are like bikinis. They seem to show you everything and get you excited, but they hide the essential parts.
This one is great. Reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:
“A good conversation is like a miniskirt, short enough to maintain interest, but long enough to cover the subject”
"these numbers don't look right. Have associate x revise them"
literally agreed with the numbers 36 hours before hand when i submitted v1 of the deck.
associate proceeds reply to same email chain 15 minutes later. "made a few changes. take a look"
MD likes the numbers now. Associate walks over and laughs about how he just forwarded the same deck on but changed the font to make it look different. no numbers were changed.
This is high finance.
"wtf ER put a sell rating on our client" -my favourite
This is fucking gold is what it is!
This is absolutely priceless. Almost bursted out laughing in the office.
MD's on the older side when referring to a good time for you and them to meet to go over some work related matters, documents, etc. Particularly during a crazy period when everyone is super busy.
"I'll be free around 4pm today. Swing by my office and that will be a good time for us to hook up."
Sure bro.
HAHAHAHA
Kick the tires
This is a copy paste from a few minutes ago:
"Can u print this report plse"
"Let's make this look sexy" "It's going to be a beauty contest this pitch" "It's all about doing the big swinging dick show"
This morning: I have a little wrinkle for you to iron out.
"Have that report to me by EOB today". Calls your desk at 4:05pm "Are you finished yet? I want to get home at a descent hour" Not yet, almost done. "What's taking so long all the data is already there"
"It's not bragging if it's true"
Haha thank you this is 10/10
"Let's unpack this"
Email it to me COP (close of play).
In my 5.5 years in investment banking that one annoyed me the most.
“I’m getting drunk right now you can handle it.”
“Wife just bitched at me so we are going to Paris for two weeks. Don’t call me so I can salvage my yearly blowjob.”
“Don’t put this on the card. This is a well known strip club.”
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