"pls show client resurgence in industry" "get creative this isn't a science" "wtf ER put a sell rating on our client" "get that guy back from vacation" "make better"

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.
 

Mentor is a former MD at 2 tier bank, BIG 4 by assets... he says shit like this all the time

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker
 

From 10 minutes ago, without having explained the context of this assignment at all:

"I WAS THINKING MAINLY x. IF THERE ARE y'S, MAYBE WE PUT THOSE IN TOO? THINK ABOUT IT AND COME BACK TO ME. I WANT THIS TO BE USERFRIENDLY"

Others

"I find it hard to believe..."

After confirming that I have closed the loop on a huge headache that I managed to shield him from entirely:

"Cool"

Array
 

"Please change this slide" to fucking what? "Guys our slides need more pop I am thinking our presentations should look more mckinsey'esque" " plz find (vague description of file) for me" * MD refused access to the team server because he didn't feel he should be looking for a file

 

It was used to describe a Cocktail Waitress. It implies that she has an amazing body but an ugly face. We all had to ask because we had not idea wtf he said.

Apparently... A brick Shit-house - implies that the utility is over-engineered. Face that could stop a freight train - Self explanatory

"A man can convince anyone he's somebody else, but never himself."
 

Lots of cricket references.... 1. "Play a straight bat" 2. "It's a bit of a sticky wicket" 3. "Let's bowl them an outside ball and see if they bat it back" 4. "They need to step up to the crease"

Standard IBD ones... 1. "Run this up the flagpole and see if anyone salutes" 2. "There's a smell of burning bridges here but I think they were already on fire" 3. "You can't put shit back in the donkey" 4. "We're going over for a fireside chat" 5. "We're in receive mode here" 6. "We need to sharpen the pencil" 7. "This is proper cavalier investment banking" 8. "Let's draw a line in the sand" 9. "Here's a starter for 10" 10. "We need to be inside the tent"

And some more amusing ones... 1. "You know what they say about divorce. Doubles the cost and halves the balance sheet" 2. "There's a lot of women who can get people to give them money but it doesn't make them good at equity sales" 3. "Apparently the Dubai version of [well known real estate agent] is looking to float. What are they selling? A 2 bed tent with space for camel parking?"

Bonus one from me to the CEO at the Christmas party after a few too many: 1. "Can I have $150 budget to go out drinking afterwards?"

 

"ok ok k... cradle the pitch to me and rock it back and forth until it like doesn't cry and smell like poop"

"Man is split in two: he has an awareness of his own splendid uniqueness in that he sticks out of nature with a towering majesty, and yet he goes back into the ground a few feet in order blindly and dumbly to rot and disappear forever." ~ Ernest Becker
 

"There is no try, there is only do" (this one earned him a nickname, no prizes for guessing what) "We need to be in bed with our clients" "Exercise relationship capital"

All of these are from the same MD, so he clearly has some practice.

 

"Daddy big bucks" "Quit sucking and blowing and get back to the model" "Big action" "Let's barf these ideas out into a deck" "He's sweating like a whore in church" "Muckity muck" "We're the 800 pound gorilla - make sure they know" "We did pretty much everything for them except drop our skirts and say insert here" "Just because you have someone bent over doesn't mean you need to stick something sharp up their ass" "Get him on the blower"

 

This is actually the most demoralising post I've ever read on this site. Am I really going to become someone who's sundays get "owned" by printing 2 files? And will the most important thing in my life really be to ensure that my MD's track changes colors match? Oh my....... =(

 

Owned is trying to go home for Easter weekend, realizing a week in advance it's not going to happen and cancelling your trip. Then your parents agree to come visit you for the weekend, which is great because the weekend is starting to look like it might not be that bad. Then on Friday at 4PM your group head shits all over your book (even though your VP, Director, MD and an MD in a product group all signed off on it), leaving you there until 2AM every night that weekend while your parents and significant other sit around all weekend waiting for you to show up to dinner.

7 color copies is not owned, sorry.

 

look man...this wasn't supposed to be a "oneupsmanship" match..i was just pointing out that sometimes really mundane tasks come up that any regular person should be able to do..especially an MD...

plus, yes I had the same situation for easter weekend, I had to work on easter weekend, except I actually had real work to do...either ways im going to leave it at that, and just say that im sure you've had it much harder than i have

as for the other questions: yes im an intern (at the tail end of a 6 month internship) at a Bulge Bracket bank. Doing own PnB because MD refuses to type, etc.

 

I go to Northeastern University - 5 year school where we study for 6 months and work in the field for 6 months. Don't take my word for it, go check it out for yourself. www.neu.edu

and yes we do have programs at IB at bulge bracket banks. Id rather not name my bank, except that its a bulge bracket. im going to leave it at that, up to you to believe it or not.

Production refused to deal with it.

End of story..i was just trying to make a point, not have my working sunday be scrutinized to death. thanks for the interest anyways...

 
leftover_salmon:
Northeastern? You just owned yourself. And don't worry, people will be able to figure out what bank you're working at -- you must be the only NE grad who got a job at on Wall Street as an analyst.

Thank You Mr. "Gods Gift to Earth"

 

thank you for solving all of my problems...clearly i posted the email to let everyone know what a "tough guy" iam!!!

as far as being nice to production, my relationship with production is great..they just refuse to deal with other people's documents when the "track changes" feature is used multiple times (especially since its gone to the client and come back multiple times)..

im glad you fully analyzed the situation and were completely aware of my office dynamics before posting...much appreciated!

 

"these numbers don't look right. Have associate x revise them"

literally agreed with the numbers 36 hours before hand when i submitted v1 of the deck.

associate proceeds reply to same email chain 15 minutes later. "made a few changes. take a look"

MD likes the numbers now. Associate walks over and laughs about how he just forwarded the same deck on but changed the font to make it look different. no numbers were changed.

This is high finance.

 

MD's on the older side when referring to a good time for you and them to meet to go over some work related matters, documents, etc. Particularly during a crazy period when everyone is super busy.

"I'll be free around 4pm today. Swing by my office and that will be a good time for us to hook up."

Sure bro.

We're not lawyers. We're investment bankers. We didn't go to Harvard. We Went to Wharton!
 

"Have that report to me by EOB today". Calls your desk at 4:05pm "Are you finished yet? I want to get home at a descent hour" Not yet, almost done. "What's taking so long all the data is already there"

You think I can be the MVP without practicing? -Allen Iverson
 

“I’m getting drunk right now you can handle it.”

“Wife just bitched at me so we are going to Paris for two weeks. Don’t call me so I can salvage my yearly blowjob.”

“Don’t put this on the card. This is a well known strip club.”

Si Vis Pacem Para Bellum
 

Repellendus ea mollitia est culpa. Est officia eveniet eius. Commodi nam voluptas corrupti qui.

Rerum molestiae aut id in. Perferendis animi est odit est quae tempore. Voluptatum natus consequatur maiores id voluptate sunt magnam est. Ut iste quia aspernatur esse fuga rerum accusantium. Qui dolorem necessitatibus minus. Rerum voluptatem dolore harum beatae ducimus dolore. Consequatur molestias quo expedita qui.

Et dolorem ad aspernatur asperiores ipsum ducimus ut. Sed unde optio corrupti incidunt nulla commodi. Optio magni qui dolorem voluptates ea dignissimos quibusdam. Fuga voluptate reiciendis quo. Incidunt adipisci excepturi omnis. Est necessitatibus voluptas assumenda vitae. Id dolore qui sit sit aliquid odit et. Magni ea atque voluptate consequatur aut fugit culpa.

Laborum cumque consequatur reiciendis quos. Assumenda dolor placeat cum rerum saepe nulla rerum. Porro dolores cumque iusto autem. Iure maiores sit et molestiae exercitationem ratione.

Persistency is Key
 

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Soluta tempore temporibus amet sit ipsa. Ut est et consequatur dolor aspernatur suscipit qui.

 

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Laudantium cum assumenda quia et. Enim facilis distinctio asperiores possimus.

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Quasi est ratione quisquam quo illum rem occaecati. Excepturi ut voluptate atque nemo laudantium laudantium. Assumenda libero qui harum amet aliquid earum.

Necessitatibus odio non reprehenderit excepturi est cupiditate beatae. Natus consequatur qui beatae eum. Quam dicta culpa harum aut molestiae. Est asperiores dolore perspiciatis quisquam.

Vel quo tempora vero pariatur voluptatem architecto fuga. Est impedit et quibusdam iusto voluptatibus aliquam. Odio accusantium deleniti voluptatem praesentium.

 

Qui eveniet quasi voluptas dignissimos suscipit. Quo voluptatem odio et aut neque quas pariatur.

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Nisi nobis numquam temporibus quidem necessitatibus est quisquam est. Aliquam quis inventore libero distinctio vitae. Similique quaerat hic optio et laudantium laboriosam. Eum ratione atque pariatur laborum est. Molestias fugiat eos vero amet explicabo dolore suscipit. Quia rerum aut voluptas assumenda quo enim soluta.

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