Being Well-mannered?

Can you all give me tips to be well-mannered? I was never really taught manners in school (public) and now I get to college and I find at the business school I tend to be much ruder than other people. My own parents tell me I have poor manners. I feel really bad, like I don't mean to be this way and I want to change.

Any tips/ advice?

 
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it's not the best, but some john bridges books are good. here are the main faux pas I see people (old and young) doing in professional situations which are easily fixed.

  • slouching. as JBP says, stand/sit up straight with your shoulders back
  • breathing out of your mouth. close your fucking mouth unless you're talking, eating, performing fellatio/cunnilingus, at the dentist, or momentarily shocked.
  • avoiding eye contact during greetings, stop it. this has cultural nuance but in USA and Europe it's generally expected regardless of status. africa, asia, and LatAm be careful.
  • interrupting. don't do it, even if the person is pausing, let them finish, then respond.
  • talking about yourself too much. aside from places where it's solicited (job interview), always be trying to learn about the other person, you'll get to say your piece at some point.
  • table manners. if it's a fork and knife meal, eat bites you can comfortably chew with your mouth entirely closed. put the silverware down after each bite, and sit up straight when you're eating, not hunched over your food like a starved prisoner
  • humility. no one cares about your accomplishments unless they ask, so keep your mouth shut outside of job interviews. normal conversation, seek first to understand, then to be understood. I cannot stand when IB/PE guys talk to me about their bonuses, it's incredibly unbecoming.

out of curiosity, where do you think you're being rude? manners is a broad topic, a little more data would be helpful

 
thebrofessor:
it's not the best, but some john bridges books are good. here are the main faux pas I see people (old and young) doing in professional situations which are easily fixed.
  • slouching. as JBP says, stand/sit up straight with your shoulders back
  • breathing out of your mouth. close your fucking mouth unless you're talking, eating, performing fellatio/cunnilingus, at the dentist, or momentarily shocked.
  • avoiding eye contact during greetings, stop it. this has cultural nuance but in USA and Europe it's generally expected regardless of status. africa, asia, and LatAm be careful.
  • interrupting. don't do it, even if the person is pausing, let them finish, then respond.
  • talking about yourself too much. aside from places where it's solicited (job interview), always be trying to learn about the other person, you'll get to say your piece at some point.
  • table manners. if it's a fork and knife meal, eat bites you can comfortably chew with your mouth entirely closed. put the silverware down after each bite, and sit up straight when you're eating, not hunched over your food like a starved prisoner
  • humility. no one cares about your accomplishments unless they ask, so keep your mouth shut outside of job interviews. normal conversation, seek first to understand, then to be understood. I cannot stand when IB/PE guys talk to me about their bonuses, it's incredibly unbecoming.

out of curiosity, where do you think you're being rude? manners is a broad topic, a little more data would be helpful

Not a bad list. Honestly, employ a variant of the Golden Rule. If you don't want to see someone else performing an action, or hear them talk about something, that is probably something you should avoid doing yourself. It's not 100% effective and you might not graduate the Emily Post Institute, but it'll be enough that no one is going to remember you as "that guy" which is really what you should be trying to avoid.

 

Poor manners I think. I also feel bad because I feel like I disappoint my parents and I don't know what to do :

 

Poor manners I think. I also feel bad because I feel like I disappoint my parents and I don't know what to do :

 

It sounds like there are deeper issues than just manners.

“The three most harmful addictions are heroin, carbohydrates, and a monthly salary.” - Nassim Taleb
 

This is a great list. I'd add a few.

  • First Impressions are huge, if you win this the rest will be much easier. Handshake: Firm but comfortable, meet at their level. Don't fucking close your hand around the other person's fingers too early before your palms meet. This is the absolute worst and if someone does this to me I am instantly turned off. Make eye contact.

  • Body Language: Beyond posture, present yourself confidently but open to who you are addressing. Don't cross your arms and don't fidget.

  • Know your own tendencies and make a conscious effort to balance yourself out. I have RBF sometimes when fatigued or while concentrating, I make an effort to smile and make good eye contact when I first meet someone and when they engage me. If you naturally smile a ton consider making an effort to curb that when appropriate so people know you are serious and sincere.

  • Grooming/Hygiene: Get this figured out and make it habit. Respect yourself and others will be more likely to do the same.

  • Don't chew gum. Have a mint instead if necessary.

  • Keep your phone in your pocket.

 

Mainly I want to be mannered around my parents st least. Still live with them and feel like I disappoint them a lot.

 

Whrte rose do I go? Public school doesn’t teach manners but apparently used to which is why my parents expect me to have it.

 

Some people have already touched on this, but the first step is definitely being self-aware, and learning to not be a negative externality to other people. Chew with your mouth closed, don't slurp soup or coffee or whatever you're drinking, don't smell bad, don't walk slow on a sidewalk if everyone else is speeding past you, etc. I know I find all of the things I just listed annoying, and lots of other people do too, so if you can prevent yourself from pissing off others, I think that's a great first step.

Other things I can think of off the top of my head once you get that down, take your hat off indoors, hold the door open for people, sit upright (don't slouch), let people off elevators before you get on, say excuse me when you need to, treat staff/sales associates/etc well.

 

Empathy. This is no offense meant, but everyone has a different capacity for empathy and each person should be aware of what their level is. Some people physically cry just thinking about the plight of XYZ, and some other people will roll over others with tanks. Not everyone is equally empathetic.

if this is resonating with you, ("I have challenges putting myself in others' shoes") you can approach it analytically instead of emotionally if it doesn't come natural. Think cause-effect: if you did X, how would this person respond (or feel)? What if you did Y? Is doing X or Y significantly more difficult for you? If not, then consider what will maximize the best outcome for the other party. For example, if I'm assigning work to someone, the way in which I do it doesn't make a big difference to me, but it could make a big difference to that person.

If you're not convinced and need a burning platform: you will have significantly worse life and career outcomes if you don't solve this problem now. All senior level jobs are based on interpersonal interaction and you will have to improve your attitude to have a positive relationship at home and at work.

TLDR: You have to force yourself to consider cause-effect if you're not naturally empathetic.

Be excellent to each other, and party on, dudes.
 

This! I grew up with unemotional parents which naturally made me less empathetic towards others problems. For example, in situations like the below:

-Someone telling me a big life moment like the birth of a child -Someone letting me know about a tragic situation like a death in the family

My natural inclination is not to say "Congratulations, that's awesome" or "I'm sorry to hear," but rather to brush over it and talk about something else like work. I've been called out on it by friends before, so I've tried to get better about acknowledging these things (partially so that I don't seem like an emotionless robot but also so I better my treatment of others).

 

Your argument that I don;t have to have manners to be successful in life while true is not what I'm looking for. I actually want to improve.

 

To improve be respectful, clean, self servant yet holding your own ground, say thank you please and a smile. Be self observant of your actions and the reaction those get around you to judge your room, be reflective

 

Currently working PT during the semester at a high-end restaurant where my usual tables are business dinners or meetings of some sort. You'd be surprised how rude some of these people can be even around their clients.

 

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Get busy living
 

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