Please Criticize My Cold Email Template
Dear X,
My name is Fellow Money, and I am a fourth-year finance student at non-target university, and a Corporate Development Summer Analyst at (Company Name). I have completed 5 internships in Investment Banking, Private Equity, Corp Dev, and Equity Research, during which I had the opportunity to work on X deals worth over $XM. I found you on LinkedIn and I was intrigued by your background, and I was wondering if you would be open to a phone or video call to tell me more about your story and journey.
I know you must be busy, so I appreciate any time you are able to spare. Thank you in advance and I hope to hear from you soon.
Best regards,
Fellow Money
Dear X,
Hope you are well!
My name is Fellow Money, and I am a fourth-year finance student at X university.
I came across your profile on Linkedin and I am inspired by your background and career path - I too wish to pursue XYZ and would love to have a quick chat at your own convenience about your experiences and possibly some advice for succeeding as you have done.
Just for some background I have completed numerous internships in Investment Banking, Private Equity, Corp Dev, and Equity Research, during which I had the opportunity to work on X deals worth over $XM and learnt key skill set such as XYZ (keep it short)
I understand it may be a busy time for you but am looking forward to any possible contact in the near future.
Have a great day/ week/ weekend!
Kind regards,
Fellow Money
You need one line in the email or the subject that shows something you have in common with the person
Based on the most helpful WSO content, here are some points you could improve upon with your original email:
Personalization: While you mention finding the recipient on LinkedIn and being intrigued by their background, adding a specific detail about their work or achievements could make the email feel more personalized and show genuine interest.
Purpose of the Connection: Clearly state what you hope to gain from the conversation. You mentioned wanting to hear about their story and journey, but it could be beneficial to specify what insights you are seeking, such as advice on transitioning into a similar role or learning about industry trends they've observed.
Brevity and Clarity: Your email is relatively concise, which is good, but consider tightening it up even further. For instance, instead of listing all types of internships, focus on the most relevant one or two experiences that align with the recipient’s background.
Call to Action: Your closing line is polite, but you might want to make your call to action a bit more direct. For example, "Would you be available for a brief 15-minute call next week? I’d greatly appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experiences."
Professional Signature: Ensure your signature is professional and includes necessary contact information. It seems there might be a typo or formatting error with "Fellow Money, 1." Ensure it reads correctly.
Subject Line: You didn’t mention your subject line, but it’s crucial for getting your email opened. Use a clear, intriguing subject line that mentions a mutual connection or specific interest, e.g., "Request for Insights on Investment Banking Paths – Fellow Money."
These tweaks can make your cold email more effective, increasing the likelihood of a positive response.
Sources: Something wrong with my cold email?, Critique my cold email, Cold Call Email Mistake Made - Sharing Response (Advice) Received, https://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forum/job-search/cold-emailing-to-ask-for-internship-template-advice?customgpt=1
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