Please Help - Co-worker's Concerning Routine
I've been working in San Francisco at a large bulge bracket for a little over a year and half now (think GS/JPM). Over the last 2 months I have been dealing with an internal conflict about how to handle a situation with a superior. My desk is located right outside the office of one of my VPs, and since being hired in mid-January, he has been consistently making noises into his phone every Monday right before he leaves the office that can only be intended for his wife or girlfriend. The first time I thought it had to be an inappropriate joke from a guy I didn't know yet, but after the third straight week I realized it wasn't. It was normally a bit muffled and I tried my best to ignore the vulgarity, but it has slowly escalated since he got here. At first it was just moans and grunts, but it has progressed to him loudly speaking, and this past week I could audibly hear him saying things like "(name) harder, harder" or "(name) ohh, it feels so f**king good." For certain he thinks the walls are sound-proof as there is no other explanation. Besides the noises he has been a major addition to our product group and is likely within two years of director, plus I genuinely enjoy being around him, so I'm at a loss for what to do. The moaning has become unbearable, and I've been extremely less productive the remainder of those Monday nights thereafter. We are optional in-person so I am the only one in the cubicle near his office who is capable of hearing it. I am worried that if I report him to HR he will know it was me and it will damage my year-end bonus, but if I don't do anything about it I'm worried one of the MDs will eventually walk by and it will become a major issue for him. What do I do? Do I risk the HR route, or try to directly confront him? And if I say something to him, how can I say it such a way that it does not embarrass him?
i like it isaiah i like it
I'm not sure if this is a troll post or serious...If serious I believe this man may be enticing you to "make meatloaf" with him and his wife if you know what I mean. I would ignore it as best as possible OP.
Did he go to a target?
I'd take the approach of pulling him aside quietly to just let him know the walls are thin. As he looks in shock and bewilderment, assure him it stays between you two but it needs to stop. That's all. If it doesn't or if it evolves, then I'd say come back to us here with an update for some advice. Until then just take the nonchalant approach, be cool but serious, and it'll be fine. I feel as if we all make simple social situations so complex and worrisome. It doesn't have to be. Is it a good situation? No definitely not. Is it awkward? Ofcourse. But it can be resolved so simply and quickly by just a simple "heads up" conversation. And honestly, you're probably saving him. Not only is it wrong what he appears to be doing now with the dirty talk but should that escalate… that's real bad. Registered sex offender list bad. We're all human, we all enjoy sex, but sex is one of the most powerful forces in this world. Some dirty office talk kink could divulge into a very bad situation. Cut it off for everyone, assure him it's all good it stays between you two, and it'll likely stop right away if he's half a professional. Also, look at it this way - this is huge leverage for you down the road if you do speak up and stop this. Cards are in your hands. Play your hand
*Edit: After combing back through this and thinking about the situation this could be very difficult to pull off and should not be taken as blind advice. It’s one of those situations you have to “feel” out (no pun intended). Personally, I usually take the respectful but direct yet slightly indirect approach in exact words spoken (the art of saying something without saying something) in work confrontations because that’s my personality. Overall, it works for me but it’s tough to pull off and if not done right it can backfire big time. It’s also, sometimes, a bet. And in this situation above, it’s a bet. If OP was further along in his career or had some credibility relationship wise with others in the firm and or had standing, I’d say pull your pants up and take the approach I originally spoke of. If his standing in the firm is not strong enough yet for that then I’d say don’t do it. It’s a bet. “The art of saying something without saying something”
This is excellent advice on how to get fired. Next review comes around and all you get is, "need you to be a team player", bottom bucket, no bonus, shown the door.
Here’s the thing, as soon as this guy walks out of his office and sees OP with a weird air about him because he just heard his whole thing, or if he walks out and suspects this kid has possibly ever heard something, he’s done. I think we can say that that’s likely going to be the case. Now, by him taking the approach of confrontation, the MD now has to think that A.) this kid may have some sort of evidence of one of these sex episodes or B.) Even if the kid doesn’t have evidence he may go to HR about it regardless if I let him go. Honestly just thinking it through, I think it’s a higher payoff if he does say something. I think it all matters if this kid can command respect in the convo. If any weakness shows itself (nervousness) he’ll take the bet that this kid doesn’t have evidence or won’t use it and just K.O. him come end of year review
dumb question: why? from my (naive) perspective, you're doing the guy a favor
In my experience, these moans are not meant to make other people uncomfortable. Rather, they are simply a way for your colleague to express himself and channel his best energy. If it bothers you so much, I believe that this is a “you problem.” Maybe you can ask for some notice before he rips a moan. For example, he could shoot you an email or text saying “5 minute warning,” just so you are prepared when it comes. I think this is a viable solution that would not affect your relationship. Hope this helps.
Hey Pevski,
I had a similar issue when I worked at an MF a couple years back. I had a coworker who, at least 2-3 times a week, would go to the single person bathroom near our desks right after our director would leave for the night and watch very, very **explicit** videos without wearing headphones. Like yourself, I too believe he was under the impression it was fully soundproof, but unfortunately for me it was not. It was also interesting because you couldn't normally hear anything from the bathroom, so he must have been listening to it on full volume. Anyway, after nearly a month of this going on and biting my tongue, I finally approached him to bring up the issue, as I was worried someone else might hear it and associate me with it and potentially cost me when the bonuses rolled around. I ultimately just pulled him aside at drinks one night, and although he was quite embarrassed and asked me to give very detailed explanations of what I was hearing (which I thought was a little unnecessary), he apologized and even picked up my tab. Ever since then, I'll occasionally notice him grab headphones and hit the bathroom, so he didn't fully change his ways, but at least now I don't have to hear it anymore. So if your guy is anything like mine, I'd suggest just having a conversation outside the office one day.
HR isn't warranted unless it appears he wants you to hear it i.e., sexual harassment.
Some options:
1, WFH Mondays.
2. Leave earlier Mondays.
3. Knock on the door and ask if he is ok.
4. Have a direct talk.
I mean jeeeeeeezus that blows. I would just ask to move desks for some stupid reason like it smells weird or whatever where you sit. Sorry this is happening as genuinely this is a tough almost lose lose situation. Though in this day and age, HR would likely actually take this seriously but I totally empathize with your hesitance to do so.
Also did I read that right? Are you really worried if you don't do anything about it something bad will happen to HIM?? Dude if an MD saw that happening that would be the end of the guy which should be the goal right? If I were you'd I'd be hoping for a situation where a senior finds him doing that or even orchestrate a scenario where you can force it. That behavior is lewd and gross and would make anyone feel grossly uncomfortable.
It's obvious, record him and go full blackmail mode
Never happened.
I'd find an excuse to pop in, say "oh sorry I didn't know you were on the phone" followed by one of the following
I thought I heard someone coughing or choking and was coming to help
it's that time of the year and I thought I heard a mating call, my bad bro
thought I heard a goat being sacrificed and wanted to pay homage to Odin
thought I heard someone speaking mongolian and was going to ask where they learned it
hahahahaha
Hilarious. +1 SB.
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