It was time. He is 87 and his driving skills are questionable. It was a hit to his independence. My sister was asking about it the past year and brother also asked me if he was still driving. But, I couldn't lead the intervention. My sister was visiting and helped me with the talk. He resisted at first and then said "I'll think about it." My sister chimed in for some real talk and said "we wouldn't want you to hit and kill a little kid if you made a mistake." I was actually thinking the same thing about that being my responsibility if there was a fatality.
He eventually caved and said "take my keys." I am relieved, but also now I have to drive him everywhere and get all his groceries, so this will increase the time I spend helping my Dad, which is fine. Anyone have to deal with a similar situation as far as taking away the keys for a grandparent? It's a tough situation, but no one wants to risk lives.
I remember my grandpa was driving until maybe 6 months before he died (87). He was fine (just old) and had poor hearing from his time in the Air Force. He went downhill quick (started getting sick in the fall, said he thought that Christmas would be his last, then died in march).
My other grandpa has a car we bought him but only drives to wal mart and Marshall’s. I have said many times he shouldn’t be driving but my dad still lets him. I do not like it at all and think he’s a danger on the roads due to his lack of hearing and slow reaction speed, but no doubt there are worse drivers than him on the roads.
Your love for your parents is admirable - hope you and your dad can have many more dinners at that restaurant he likes. My mom and I do everything for her mom as she cannot drive. Has lived alone since my grandpa died in 2016 and nobody visits her except my mom and I. Maybe once every 2 months her son (my uncle) visits.
I try and visit every weekend at least once - it’s the same exact conversation each time as she and I don’t really do much, but I feel like it’s my duty. I lived half a mile from her house growing up until we moved when I was 5. She’s the definition of unconditional love - I genuinely believe I could kill someone and she would still love me.
On a more personal note, always enjoy reading your posts and comments and wish the best for you and your family. I think you were just stoned out of your mind when we got drinks bc even some other people mentioned you just seemed a bit off. Next time I’m in the area let’s link up again.
haha ok thanks bro yeah maybe pregamed a little too hard that night... headed to that place Langdon's again this Saturday.
Awesome - that filet is a banger
Isaiah you are a great man -- dead serious. Your love for your family is extremely admirable, nothing comes before family and your closest friends (who are essentially family). I'm sorry you're going through this situation and it will be a time-suck but in 20yrs you won't have to wonder 'what if'.
I'm really hoping autonomous driving comes through in 10-12yrs before my dad hits 70. Just feels like motor functions decay pretty heavily around 70+. I suppose in many ways life is more convenient now, you can order your dad groceries online (wasn't even a thing 10yrs ago), he can get meals via Doordash, entertainment right at your fingertips on-demand, etc. So barring a time of inter-generational living, this is probably the easiest time to live 'independently' though the dichotomy is from a mental standpoint maybe the hardest time to do so...what a world
Appreciate it - he isn’t that great with ordering groceries - he has a hard time using regular functions on an iPhone. Yeah family is everything.
Love you bro
Thanks bro - back ‘atcha.
I have not done that, but I'll tell you I wish I had a single phonecall with my dad.. In our last call he had to get off the phone quick and in retrospect I didn't realize it was because he couldn't physically talk, he was that tired..
Cherish this time, I wish you many years of this but in the meanwhile please enjoy..
That said, if I was in your position, I would do everything you're doing but add to that, let him do his own grocery and light shopping, get him an uber or taxi so that he feels in charge and that he isn't a "nuisance" to you. I know he's not, but he might feel he is.. once their independence is gone, the will to live follows, so be careful there and try to give him independence (and maybe force/encourage him at times)
You could cover his Uber costs too and have him use that btw. One of my grandparents does that now. It’s pretty easy to use!
Thanks for sharing. It’s a good reminder for those of us who have parents of a certain age.
My dad is getting up there. Still seems to be relatively sharp. Not forgetting words and saying random shit like our President for example. Still a level or two better than that. But I’ve noticed he drives super slow and reacts way too defensively in traffic. Like if he’s approaching a light and it turns yellow, he’ll brake right away (and pretty hard) even when he could’ve easily coasted through. That sort of thing.
I’ll keep more of an eye on it, thanks to your reminder. If it means he needs to start Ubering around and I need to cover that, so be it. We should all be prepared to pick up slack for our parents more than previous generations did. We are increasing lifespan but not so much health span, so there will be a lot more years in need post retirement.
love the real talk posts
Ouch. Stepping in to be "the adult" when dealing with elderly family members is never easy. It's caregiving on an entirely different level and to say it's a challenge, it's an understatement. I relate to this deeply and personally and I so greatly admire your involvement with both your mom and dad as they travel their individual paths of aging and age-related issues.
Earlier this year, I had to put my 86 year uncle into a nursing home. He has had relatively mild dementia for a number of years [seems to have worsened with the loss of my kid brother/his only nephew and my mom/his only sibling, within 16 months of each other] and horrible arthritis in both knees from being hit by a car when he was still bicycling, back in 2011. He was amazingly fit and even today doesn't have anything else wrong with him, beyond the dementia, the bad knees and incontinence. I had to get him into the nursing home under the guise of Physical Therapy for his knees. I worked with an amazing social worker who assisted in evaluating and assessing him in his basement apartment, where she commented to him about "how difficult it must be for you to manage all those stairs to get out and do all your errands and then have to manage getting everything downstairs."
That generation seems to handle this level of life change better when "authority figures" such as lawyers, accountants, doctors, social workers, etc. tell them that X has to happen. My uncle's doctors and social worker are young enough to be my kids, but in his mind, I'm his high-strung, worry-wart niece and they are "professionals." So I try whenever possible to use them as "scapegoats" when/if he takes issue with how things/situations are. They totally understand and are onboard with this arrangement and I'm sure they have numerous other patients where this approach is used.
I have found that sometimes saying things like "your life should be easier, not harder, let me handle your laundry/let us drive you home or let's have a car service drive you home after our dinner out"... they are full of pride, they have been accustomed to taking care of others and/or themselves for so many decades, that they never think of letting someone else take some of the burden off their shoulders. They'll rarely ask for help. Usually with my uncle, it takes numerous conversations of "let me/allow me/how about if I do X for you" before he acquiesces. I also try to use the past, which my uncle recalls far better than the present and say "I still remember when you would help me with my math homework/riding a bike/etc... I like that I can do this for you"... it seems to make him happy to think that I'm trying to "pay back" all the attention and care he showered me with as a kid.
I hope you figure out some ideas that help you. Involving whatever family there is -- this should hopefully help soften most blows to their pride, showing a united front of concern and be careful of phrasing things in a guilty/punishment fashion - while I understand making the statement of "how awful if you struck a child" coming from a place more like "other drivers are really aggressive and distracted these days, texting and driving, we'd hate for something to happen to you" might sit better.
Thanks for your kind words and feedback. I'll admit, this week has been rough for me taking care of everything, driving my dad around, and buying all his groceries, and getting him to eat said groceries. Sometimes I am treated as an RN with my Dad as he has some medical issues that need attention. One of which is that he had a radical cystectomy (bladder removed due to cancer) and his urostomy bags were leaking and unable to be fixed. It was a light leak last week, but this morning I get a call at 6:50am with a desperate cry from my Dad to go to the ER to fix this. I really feel bad for him as this is a pain in the ass leaking urine uncontrollably. We got to the ER and they had one ostomy nurse available in the whole hospital who helped. She taught me how to change the urostomy bags with the stoma (hole) in his stomach.
To be honest, it all grossed me out seeing this hole in my dad's stomach and the nurse recommended I help with the bag changes, but it is so disgusting to me and I don't know how to handle it. She didn't even fix the issue. The bag started leaking again after she put it on after 2hrs and we are going tomorrow for another appointment with the urostomy specialists.
Overall though, I have to give credit to my Dad, I was worn out and he noticed. I'm on point for all of these appointments and have to do all the explaining and paperwork and my Dad told me I deserved a "Bravo Zulu" for good work performed. I don't know what I would do if he wasn't appreciative as he always is.
For some time, I was caregiver to my mom as she battled cancer until she passed away this past October, working from her apartment or her hospital room. I was also by her side as we did "death cleaning" when my brother died and then when my step-dad passed 8 months after my brother - I lost 3 family members in 16 months and now have been doing Mom's death cleaning without any family help, aside from my husband, who has been beyond amazing.
It's brutal to watch our elders become frail and sickly -- the shifting of being the one providing the more hands-on care now versus when we were the ones being helped to feed ourselves, dress ourselves, being taught to tie our sneakers, helped with our homework and coached in sports.
Navigating this past year-plus, I constantly fall back on my librarian background, just researching the crap out of things to help me get smart on a topic, to help me cope and to sometimes anticipate/prepare for future scenarios. My uncle's nursing home has a website with resources listed that I check periodically, plus I search for other caregiving tips or sites online. I use Facebook to follow content creators relating to dementia and caregiving - guess the younger types here prefer the Insta! :) There's a hospice nurse I follow who offers amazing insights and there's a young woman whose page is "Mom of My Mom" who was a caregiver to her mom who developed early on-set dementia.
It's like having a little bit of extra community -- sometimes all that I want or need is to just to know that I'm not alone in this, that others are dealing with these issues, that others have come up with this or that hack or solution. Honestly, sometimes just hearing/reading/seeing others vent about their situation, even if no one else can assist me directly, actually helps me.
It can be very difficult not to get grossed out by some of the duties that fall to us and dealing with incredibly intimate and personal elements of life and living. But try to think of the amazingness of your dad's successful surgery and that his body has been modified in such a way that he is cancer-free and can still function in a modified manner. Fine-tuning his ostomy/urostomy bag situation, you will find the right fit/solution. Look for post-op ostomy support websites, you might find that your dad may need to try a different brand or model or maybe you may come across posts or comments from other people with the same issue that share their own fixes and hacks.
Even if your dad doesn't always acknowledge what you do for him, one very important thing is to try to stash any frustration, anger or negativity away from him. His aging is not his fault. And he knows far better than you, even if he won't admit it, that he's got less sand in his hourglass and that even with the surgery, his body is aging and failing him. When I took Mom on vacation in September, she tearily told me that she didn't think she had any more vacations in her - I thought it was simply fatigue and being emotionally spent, but she was gone by October, she knew her body. Continue being there for him however which way you can.
Mom never smoked anything in her life, tried to get her to try my vape pen but she wouldn't touch it. I did get her CBD lozenges and THC gummies, mostly for helping her sleep and reduce nausea/vertigo. There must be some strains of edibles that can address increasing Dad's appetite and give him a case of the munchies. And this is the time to take advantage of the ability to order virtually anything online and have it delivered to your dad, whether groceries or medical supplies. This will hopefully take some pressure off of you and make the necessary driving trips you do take with Dad fewer and far between and possibly provide you with opportunities to do more pleasant drives with him to get him out and about.
Whether you have your dad for months or years still, when he is gone, you will be at peace knowing you did the best you could in a situation where there is literally no instruction manual and where you had to constantly improvise and create a patchwork of solutions and fixes that worked for you and yours at that time. Continued good vibes being sent your way, hang in there.
Also, my Dad needs some sort of pill that gets his appetite up. I wish he liked weed brownies.
Not yet, but this is probably going to happen with both of my parents soon. However, they live somewhat far from here and their town is super car-dependent (as is most of America honestly). Tbh it's a shame that suburbanization doesn't really allow people to age in place all that easily since people have to drive for basically everything outside of major cities (and within them too oftentimes). I would love to live closer to them but now that we're back in the office, that's not really possible.
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