The ABCs of Consulting

The wonderful country of China (and this horrendous project) is still sucking the life out of me. But I get to return to the United States soon. So plan on the intelligence of my posts increasing as well as the maturity of the topics (maybe). This week, I bring you a lighthearted take on the profession we all love. I present: the ABCs of consulting.

A –is for analyst. Don’t get ahead of yourselves MBAs, it doesn’t stand for Associate. The analysts making the (rocking) world go round. While they contribute next to nothing in ideas, they provide the best source of revenue for the firm.

B – is for bullshit. My apologies to both BCG and Bain (ok, you too Booz) for not making the cut. Yes, bullshit is the main ingredient to most projects and presentations. In all honesty, I think a lot of consultants bring a lot to the table and help a lot of companies. But that’s not to say they charge a little (or a lot) extra for not a lot of content.

C – is for carry-on. Checking your luggage as a consultant is like playing Russian roulette with a semi-automatic. You have the status to get on the plane first, so get that overhead space and avoid wearing the same clothes for a week.

D – is for deliverables. The life blood of a consultant. The thing that justifies B. You live and die by these well-written, good looking documents that would not be possible without the hard work of the people at Microsoft.

E – is for engagement. No one’s getting married here (it’s usually the other way around). The engagement is your fancy name for the thing you will be “dedicated” to for the next couple weeks or months. The synonym on the client-side is “cash black-hole”. Honorable mention to Engagement Manager.

F – is for four. Days a week that is. Because we know you’re all working your asses off when you work “from home” on Friday.

G – is for the Government practice. The mystery men of most firms. Do they do anything besides overcharge for projects and then run over on those budgets? I’m not an expert on this one.

H – is for hotels. It could also be for home, but that would be the same thing. You live on the road which means lots of experiences with hotels. You never have to make your bed in the morning or worry about running out of shampoo! All you have to do is worry about leaving your soul in the double bed smoking handicapped room you got stuck in because you booked last minute and there’s a pharma conference at the hotel this week.

I – is for IDR. Information Document Request. AKA, the stuff you really need from your client that they’re “too busy” to give you. You can issue these until the cows come home, but usually you’ll have to catch someone face to face before they’ll give you what you need.

J – is for jargon. Sure finance guys have it, but consultants know how to use it for their own gain. Jargon makes you seem smart to the client, it makes you seem smart to the rookie they just flew out on his first engagement, it makes you seem cool in the hotel bar when you’re sitting there in your business casual telling war stories…and most of all? It makes you money.

…to be continued