10 Effective Tips to Achieve Dandiness

If you were not one of the lucky people who snagged one of the sad 80,000 jobs added to the market last month and in fact are still unemployed, have no fear- I am here to help.

I would like to make it perfectly clear that I am not giving you, a job; I am helping you get over the depression casted over you by unemployment. Follow the tips and you should be dandy - DANDY, I tell ya!

1- Adjust your damn sleeping schedule.
Staying up all night is fun and you get to see lots of mind numbing shows, monkey around in WSO chat room, or look up some secret pills to get bigger. Stop now! – Go to bed at a decent hour (not necessarily 10 PM) and wake up early (also, not necessarily 5 AM). You’ll feel better. In case you were wondering how you can abide by this magic phenomenon, I use an alarm clock and my best friend. Both are very effective nagging sources.

2- Leave the house (unless creditors are out to get you).
Every day! Even if it’s only to get some coffee, or if you’re too broke for coffee, just take a walk around the block or sit in a park for a few minutes. God forbid you have a friend, go play some cards or something. Sunlight is a natural anti-depressant and you’d be surprised by how much difference it makes in reviving your sense of well-being.

3- Set up a work calendar.
Use your outlook or other software/hardware you prefer and fill in slots for writing cold emails, responding to incoming emails, editing resumes, making phone calls, studying, trading, stalking potential connections on LinkedIn, etc. This is intended only for as many hours as you want your job search to last on daily basis. Instant affirmation of self-worth and accomplishment guaranteed.

4- Have sex.
Or masturbate, whichever comes faster. Dopamine will work its wonders: clearer mind, less stress, sharper thinking, and stronger desire to live. 200 times a day is a little excessive and will render you physically inept. Do not say I didn't warn you.

5- Get off your ass.
No gym? No problem. Run. Hate running? That’s okay, I do too. Swim. Not an option? Moving on, dance nikkid in front of a mirror (potential earnings opportunity, tsk tsk). Two left feet? Do some sit ups, push ups, and lunges. Only thing worse than an unemployed person, is a flabby unemployed person.

6- Clean up.
Please shower and brush your teeth. If you have pizza in your couch, roaches in your sink, and laundry that would cost you $100 to wash, clean up your place. Living in a tidy and clean environment will make you think highly of yourself. At least you won’t fit the “unemployed slob loser” criteria anymore.

7- Interact with (gasp)human beings.
Call mommy and daddy, have a little chat with your creepy neighbor, bitch to your phone service provider, or invite someone over for dinner. You’ll find out that you are not alone, or that someone somewhere is looking for a monkey to hire. Humans make things possible. Use them.

8- Pick up a hobby.
Learn Mandarin or play the flute or something. If you don’t use your mind, it will not function properly when/if needed. Feeling challenged is a great tool for setting up realistic and attainable goals.

9- Volunteer.
I mean, what is a better time to build up this Business School resume? Added benefit: not being a selfish asshole.

10- Do something mindless, easy and silly.
My go to is singing really loud, mostly songs I do not know the lyrics to.

Get out of the rut, be persistent and when you lose hope, call me.