In a ballsy move by the front office, it seems that Warren Buffett's "stuff" just ain't what it used to be. Buffett, who has been a journeyman player for years, has fallen out of favor with the S&P, receiving news today that Berkshire Hathaway is no longer AAA caliber.
As Buffett packed up his locker and prepared for his descent to the minor-minor leagues, he was heard mumbling something about how he would buy the franchise and turn it into a Panty Hose Factory. The coaching staff reported that the billionaire knuckleballer seemed "depressed" upon hearing the news and admitted that his liquidity had clearly suffered in the off season. "He can't believe he was only paying himself $100K."
Manager Wade Boggs, who was shocked by the news and appeared sauced, maintained that "[Warren] has been hydrating constantly." He paused, before continuing, "but the guy's old, and he's got a going problem. Can't seem to stay liquid. If this hadn't happened, I would have put him on the DL anyway, maybe some Avodart or Miller Lite. Enlarged prostates can really affect your risk tolerances, man. No joke. Shoulda seen Bonds in '98...prostate the size of a cannonball and totally risk intolerant...freaky shit man..."
Though there have been passing allegations that Buffett's amassed fortune was a result of some back-of-the-stall juicing, those claims remain unsubstantiated. In truth, it seems Buffett's move was the result of diminishing "capital adequacy" and his struggling insurance operations.
Buffett's demotion also came at the hands of his attempt to buy railroad operator Burlington Northern Santa Fe. Reports indicate that the mogul filed with the SEC to sell $8 billion in senior notes. While some see this move as a smart one, as railroads are an "economically safe" bet, others say that it cannot be denied that the railroad takeover is a risky, bet-the-farm-team type move. For the S&P, it was enough to send Buffett packing.
His ex-teammate and fellow journeyman flamethrower, T. Boone Pickens, said he thought Buffett's railroad move was a "stroke of freakin' genius." He then got a faraway look in his eye and said that he remembered when hobos used to "infest" the nation's railways. "Had to beat them off with a goddamn billy club to get a seat in the hay," Pickens said. "It was a joy."
The former oil tycoon told reporters that he'd suggested that Buffett come join his team, the Bay City Windmills, which would guarantee Buffett a "fat, corn-fed Texas ass load of cash" in the long-run. "I ain't whistlin' Dixie. But Warren knows that there's no crying in baseball. Or PE. Or VC. Or investing. Or, really, in anything. He'll be fine."
But Buffett, who seemed withdrawn in recent days and saw his credit ratings decline last year, thinks that this might just be the time for him to retire his number and open a nice little bed and breakfast with Alan Greenspan in Vermont. And get back his true passion, the Bull Moose of instruments: the ukulele. He admitted that he loves covering Wyclef on his uke.
As his shares continue to plummet, it will be interesting to see how the CEO's post-demotion dealings will fare in the long term. Regardless, he is probably headed to the Hall of Fame, for years of outstanding numbers and a tireless dedication to the game. "If they don't put me in the Hall, I'll lay some rail right through their f***ing front yard," Buffett concluded, before hopping a freight to Omaha with a bindle full of memories.