Dumped /rant/help
Well, rounding out at about two weeks ago, I was unexpectedly dumped by my girlfriend of four years... What in the fuck? I am only a junior in college, so I'm sure I'll hear "there's more fish in the sea", "man the hell up", blah blah, but no lie this fucking hurts, bad.
SO, she dumps me, she wont talk to me, does not want me to come see her (ten minutes away) so we can talk, because she says she knows I'll change her mind and she does not want to. At this point I had been in school for a week, she was away on vacation with her family, which unfortunately is not too fond of me. So instead of going back to school Sunday night, she goes back Friday morning, so I couldn't see her. Well, I'm at my internship on Sunday, and my boss (MD) can tell there is something physically wrong with me, I explain, and he says "Do you love this girl?" I reluctantly utter, do to fear of his comments "Yes, I honestly do, so much." At this point, its 5:00 and we're in the middle of some shit on a Sunday at that... and he says "Stand up." *Grabs my jacket off my chair and shoves it into my chest* "Go fucking see her, right now." He gives me a $100 bill and says, this should cover your gas.
She goes to school four hours away from where I do. so its 5:00, I get home 5:30, hit the road at 6:00, it just so happens my sibling goes to the same school, I have them say they're going to pick my stuff up when they arrive. I end up doing 100+ all the way there, I was fucking determined. I get there, my sibling takes me to the store and I buy flowers, and beer, beer not for her. I'm about to shit my pants I'm so nervous, we walk up to her apartment and my sibling knocks on the door, and I slip in and say "I'm so sorry 'name'." "OH MY GOD," is all she can muster, and no fucking lie, at this point I'm tearing up, I try to talk, words don't come out, we go into her room, we talk for like four hours. She just keeps saying she does not know what she wants, granted I have NOT by any means been a good boyfriend, but I told her, I'm doing saying I'm changing, I'm doing it, and that's that. She pleads to call her sister, who again is not fond of me, I go out of her room as she talks to her, and she comes out, the answer is no, still after driving four hours, pleading my case, still a no, how???
Now two weeks from that day I am trying to put things together, I'm still trying to get back together with her, doing small things that she wanted that I never did while we were together. What sucks the most, is I feel like I can not talk to her, and I feel like I should be able to. Everyone keeps telling me to give her time, and she'll come around. How can someone not respect the fact that I am putting in all of this effort, and still be like "no." Also, she is VERY VERY VERY prideful, as in, if I were to never initiate contact with her ever again, we would never speak for the rest of our lives.
My next step: Well I'll be up there this weekend for my siblings birthday, and I think I am going to invite her to coffee, and just catch up, and not be all like "Let's get back together." And if I feel the situation is going well, maybe inviting her to a movie, what do you guys/gals think?
I know this is a bit long, sorry. I am open to suggestions, I know I need to give her space, but not talking to her fucking kills me, yeah I'm a pussy, so what. I know "You have been with her for four years, you should know her the best, you should know what to do." You're right, but she has never acted like this before. Go ahead and hit me with all the advice/tough love/hate whatever, I am honestly trying to look at this from all angles, because I try to put logic with everything, however I know there is no logic with emotions.
Man that sucks, everyone has been through that at one point or another. Regardless of what you are going emotionally you need to make sure that you do not do anything stupid to effect your work/school. There's probably a 50%-50% chance of getting back together, and another 50%-50% chance if you do that things will just happen again and you will need to "convince" her to stay with you. Sometimes an amputation is necessary to get rid of a festering wound which is the relationship.
for god's sake, please be a man. never want her back. go find someone better. before that, womanize for a period.
Can't force someone to love you bro. Accept it, learn from the mistake, move on.
Dude, you admitted that you weren't a great BF, and now you're doing things that you never did for her before (I assume it's minor things like flowers, telling her she's beautiful, etc). Most likely, she finally had enough of it, and wanted you to do everything you're doing now way back when it mattered. It sounds like she's made up her mind, and if she decides she's not fond of you, it's near impossible to change a girl's mind at that point.
Look on the bright side -- it's a learning experience. Yes, it feels terrible, but channel your energy into something else; it'll pay off. Good luck, and feel better.
OP -- Take this as a learning lesson and go out with other women ASAP. Unless you actually were hitting her, in that case, go ahead and remove yourself from society.
Interesting; I never considered violence or anything of the sort when reading through it, but I can see your point. Honestly, it could be a ton of other things, but you're right. If it was only the sister or father or something of the sort, it could be brushed off more easily, but when the whole family isn't too enamored with someone, it's a cause for concern.
The reason that you'll hear this is because we've been there and discovered that the true solution is - without any shadow of a doubt - to man the hell up because there are more fish in the sea.
It's going to take a while for this to sink in in your head and for it to make sense, but you'll come around eventually.
One last thing - don't spend the next year comparing every girl you meet to her.
This is a bunch of beta and cringe
I read the first sentence. Man up.
Situations like this are fairly common. Only way to get over someone is to find someone else. The longer you wait, the longer you're going to feel like crap. Take this opportunity to become a man. Start going to the gym, explore passions, do things you couldn't do while you were in a relationship. Go hit up a few parties, show her that you don't need her and that she's replaceable. Hook up with her friends. This girl seems like a bitch from what you described. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a girl who has so much pride? Thank your luck that this happened now than later. Move on, you have a bright future. You don't need girls like this in your life
This.
Speaking from experience, you have to leave this situation behind man. Don't reach out to her again.
Is your boss Good Guy Greg?
Himself, maybe ?
To elaborate a bit, because somehow I have become a woman abuser... I didn't do the little things, and when I say little, I mean very little, I know.. I should have, but I am a hard headed college male, hard to accept that I actually do things wrong. However one thing she has a problem with, is my sarcasm, towards everything, just comes natural, I don't know. Also, her mom is a single woman, very self-empowered, and is all about the, 'you don't need anyone' stuff along those lines, and her sister, she is probably one of the most unpleasing people I have ever met, just very bitter/jealous towards her younger sister (ex),and has, since we have been together, been bitter towards me, which is hard to compete with, because I know they were away for a week, and were able to kind of put some of it in her head.
-Her answer to everything "I dont know." What do you want?-- I dont know. What can I do?-- I dont know. Etc...
Sorry, I was wrong. You're not an abuser, you're just a little bitch. Stop that.
OK, I'll try to hit each of your main points.
-- You said she has a problem with your sarcasm. Did you try to tone it down when you're around her, or did you just tell her to "accept it" because you're "a hard headed college male?" Second, it looks like neither you nor the family like each other. That's huge tension already; it's difficult to fully integrate yourself into someone's life when you don't like the people they care about, and when that feeling is mutual.
-- Yes, it's easier said than done; the majority of things are. You say that you want to be a good boyfriend, but clearly this desire hasn't stemmed into action for the past four years. Think of it this way: your time with her is like goofing off in class all semester, failing miserably, and then going to the professor the day of the final and begging for extra credit because you need to pass.
-- It sounds like she doesn't want to quarrel or really go into further discussion, and is trying nicest defense possible.
In my opinion this only leads to one thing: she LOVES YOU, but she's kindda sick of the future perspective with you. I mean, people hardly change their natural state, let's be sincere. If you are not the kind of little-things-type-of-guy, you're never going to be by your own and willingness, unless you get an ultimatum situation (aka your situation).
Now you'd do whatever just to get her back and you feel betrayed, torn, broken, etc. Her fam and friends (girls) will take her side. Forget of even getting your name out of their mouths in good terms. They are going to agree on: Leave him, find someone else. It's as easy as that. So she doesn't want to see you, simply because she loves you and so you might brainwash her plans to leave you, if you both meet up several times.
For her IDK answers. This is pretty easy. She doesn't know what she wants because:
1) She definitely loves you (still; no doubt) 2) She compares the benefit of keeping up with her life without you versus with you 3) Related to 2): she has no idea of which of both is better since yes she loves you and that's awesome, but hey how many times he hasn't been there simply hugging me but rather with his friends ( insert here whatever negative thing you've done) 4) Loop of 1) 2) 3)
There are few things of you that makes her explode. All those shitty things have piled up over 4 years. And she doesn't see you as a great hubby material. You've also admitted you haven't been the best of the best bf of the world. ( but I guess she hasn't either; I don't have enough info for this since you haven't explained it all).
Summing up: IF you want her back, then work you ass off in changing. REALLY. I'm not talking about a bunch of flowers, even though she would love it. I'm talking about not being a dick, and seeking only your purposes. Girls like being taken care of. Even if you hang out with your friends, let her know she's always first, but you have to socialiaze with the rest too. However, if you observe that you can't make it, maybe it's not your soulmate. You both seek different things.
Oh, and of course, be committed to your career. Showing you're constant is a GOOD THING, for your ex-gf and your employer.
Quit being beta OP. Go out and smash some sloots, leave your feels at the door.
The first is always the worst. Move on buddy. Like you said, only a junior in college.
I appreciate the comments monkeys. Like I said before I'll be up there this weekend, and I'll shoot the invite to coffee, and if it fails, I guess I'll do what the majority say, move on, what else is there to do? As I go on, I am trying to look at the big picture, especially as I pass by a funeral today, and think, this person next to me has a whole world going on, as does the person next to them, and what I am currently going through is small in the grand scheme of things. That was my logical answer, now my 'emotional' answer: I don't fucking know, this is weird.
whether you believe it or not, you WILL get over her.
It's all downhill when sisters get involved, situation becomes much more messy then needed. I've been there - I actually one time had a sister email me continuously to break up with her sister because as she put it "I was misleading her and hurting her". Sisters are a force unfortunately.
I would say let her go but I've been trying to get back my own girlfriend because of some mistakes I made. But you're young dude, I would suggest move on because that sister is always going to be a voice in your girl's head. You can't compete with that.
Definitely agree - don't compare every girl you meet to her. Worst thing you can do.
Take some time in college to be single. You've already missed out on 2.5 years of it. Do NOT jump back into another relationship with someone else.
Sounds like the girlfriend comes with a lot of burden from her family. Do you really want to put up with that?
As Bonnie Raitt once sang, "I can't make you love me, if you don't." She broke up with you for a reason. There's no point in stressing yourself in trying to win her back. If you were truly meant to be together, you would be.
Try to keep your mind off of her and move on, as others have echoed. Life will go on buddy.
Delete her from FB, twitter, instagram & all that other shit you guys use these days. Block/delete her number from you phone. Relationships in this stage of your life are meant to end. Focus on work & school, date other people (don't get in serious relationships) and have fun while you still can.
I hate to break it to you OP, but there's no such thing as the perfect girl, only the perfect relationship (which involves the interaction of two people, one of which is you)...which you apparently did not have with this girl, and that you can potentially cultivate with a wide range of other girls out there. The sooner you realize this the better. Move on.
Can't wait for @"Edmundo Braverman" to chime in on this one.
As someone who has been through shit like this before... you're actually getting very good advice in this thread so listen to it.
Especially 3176401, jbone24, and Cruncharoo. DEFINITELY take some time to be single and figure out who you are and what you want. Sounds a bit like existential crap but it's good for you.
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