Growing Apart from Friends

It's 2:30AM and I'm in final exams mode, but I have to write this to get it off my chest.

It seems that after years of focusing on school and recruiting, I have lost touch with a lot of my friends from back home. As one of the few people from my high school who went through the Wall Street route, it's almost like I have nothing in common with my old friends anymore. Prime example was this past summer when I went home after my internship. A group of friends (who I thought I'm very close with) had a gathering in my hometown that I wasn't invited to. Not to mention, volume of texts and Facebook messages are at an all-time low (virtually non-existent). Come think of it, I haven't seen them in a while either. Most of my close pals are now my college friends who share similar career interests.

With all that being said, I really like where I am today. I worked hard over the summer and received a return offer. However, it still sucks that having different life goals can seemingly split apart friendships, where old buddies just drift away from your close circle.

/end rant. Hope you had a good read. Good night and I look forward to your comments.

 

Sad but true. It's imminent occurence within relationships. If your goals differ you will have different routes. If you are ok about it and have clear goals, try to find new friends in the place where are you now. It's not hard to keep in touch with your old friends, but still it will be difficult to communicate, you already have unsimilar way of thinking (however nothing significant has happened, just different interests). It also depends on your personal attitude to them. But it's essential to have at least one close friend or bf/gf, unless you are introvert or selfish person. Living alone may hurt you. Someone has to support and encourage you. As for today career may be your priority, but later you may change your mind.

 

It happens. Has happened to me in various degrees also, and I'm sure it's happened to a ton of people on WSO. I think you (and me, and others on this site) have changed rather than our friends changing (at least from my experience). But I'm guessing you've changed for the better, and I know I have.

That being said, it's definitely possible to maintain true friendships. I am still regularly in touch with and very close to some of my best friends from high school, even though they're in the same city in the same area and I've moved to two different countries since then.

 

WSO is having some weird things come up in the "New" column on the right side, but this popped up.

I was thinking the other day, is it pretty much impossible to make real, close friends post college? Growing up you could be friends with just the aim of being friends and having someone to hangout with, because you had a good amount of free time you could hang out with them a lot and build trust (or if you played sports you were at practice all the time with them and built even closer trust). In college there's even more free time and you can build legitimate relationships.

Once you graduate, I feel like everything is transactional and related to business. You meet people through work and then there's office politics. The only exception I can think of would be random roommates (someone you connect with on Craigslist or something). Otherwise do you pretty much have to rely on the friends from high school/college?

 
hieverybody:

I was thinking the other day, is it pretty much impossible to make real, close friends post college? Growing up you could be friends with just the aim of being friends and having someone to hangout with, because you had a good amount of free time you could hang out with them a lot and build trust (or if you played sports you were at practice all the time with them and built even closer trust). In college there's even more free time and you can build legitimate relationships.

Not at all. At my wedding a few years ago, which took place ~10 years after college, I had more friends from post college as groomsmen/ushers than from before. I had one childhood/family friend, one high school friend (who also went to a similar college and went into finance), 2 college friends and 5 post college friends.

Some of the best friends I've made we're from my first few years in NYC. It's kind of like your first year of college but with money. You've got a big network of kids with similar interests in your analyst class. You are all new to the city and, in general, really on your own for the first time. You also have an extended network from your analyst class because most people will know other kids that are just moving to NYC for jobs as well.

I never sensed any real competition or politics amongst my friends from my analyst class. You are typically in different groups. You also have plenty of time to hang between grabbing lunches, dinners and all of the hours you are spending in the office. On a given night, figure out who else is leaving around the same time and to grab a drink, even if it's 1am.

 

Growing apart from friends is natural.

I grew apart from a lot of friends after I moved to a different country for college. My personality developed a lot after I moved to the other side of the world, my goals changed, the culture I was in changed... something someone told me is that even if people are no longer our friends, the friendship served a purpose in the past. I found that the friendships I actually kept from my hometown are the friendships that are going to last me for life, because they're the friends I can pick up a conversation with months after the last one finished.

I also don't think that it's impossible to make close friends after college. Close friends come from a number of different things. Some of my best friends were friends I made in bathrooms at parties, others were friends I made through organized activities. I think that so long as you involve yourself in something (work, community athletics/music, talking to people who you meet), there's a chance you can make close friends.

 

I went to University in another country (across the pond). I knew from day one I would never see most of them again once I left behind the cobbled streets. Hang on to the few most important relationships and give them the time they deserve. Otherwise, you'll regret it one day when you have no one to share your plunder with.

 

It happens to everyone after high school, nothing unusual. Your experiences are very limited before college and thus your interests closely align with the people around you. You have much more freedom you get your HS degree and people go different routes. Same thing happens (to a much lesser extent) after college.

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 

It happens and I think it's good that it happens because the few that still keeps in touch are your true friends for life. I only keep in touch with less than a handful of friends from HS and it's been more than a decade.

This is just part of life. And it will always be changing unless you have absolutely no aspirations to do anything and live at home.

 

I agree 100%. My two best friends I've known since 6th grade. I had another friend I've known about the same amount of time that I was better friends with in middle/high school. Came to the realization around 20 that that was not the case. Still keep in touch with probably 4 or 5 others, but that's about it.

OP, like I said in the last post: you "find" yourself after you leave high school and get the freedom to figure out who you are (gaaaaaay, I know). Enjoy knowing that you're making your friends now based on shared interests, not by your shared confinement.

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." -IlliniProgrammer "Your grammar made me wish I'd been aborted." -happypantsmcgee
 

same situation over here, i went to a pretty small high school and basically ALL of my high school friends still hang out frequently whenever we are out for winter/spring/summer break. i would only hang out with them if i can find the time...

 

The best way to describe it is "thinning out." The really good friendships are the ones that survive this phase. I'm fortunate enough to still be good friends with a few people from high school. Just be aware it takes effort, and be sure to tell them that if you ever get too good or too important to make time for them, ask them to punch you in the face.

Metal. Music. Life. www.headofmetal.com
 

OP

Friendships are a two way street. From the sound of things, the lack of correspondence is both your fault and theirs. Working on wall street doesn't give you a free pass on keeping the lines of communication open. Yes, you probably work double the hours of these friends, but it only takes 5 seconds to send "How's it going?". Also, if you don't talk to your friends they probably won't know if you're in town or not...so don't feel bad when you're not invited to do something.

TL;DR Talk to your friends

 
kingtut:

OP

Friendships are a two way street. From the sound of things, the lack of correspondence is both your fault and theirs. Working on wall street doesn't give you a free pass on keeping the lines of communication open. Yes, you probably work double the hours of these friends, but it only takes 5 seconds to send "How's it going?". Also, if you don't talk to your friends they probably won't know if you're in town or not...so don't feel bad when you're not invited to do something.

TL;DR Talk to your friends

Yes - don't blame your inability to talk to people on your work. There's always time to drop a line or text.

speed boost blaze
 

Exactly. If you expect your friends to make all the effort to retain the friendship, that's probably a good indication for why you'd be losing friends.

Any friends that I "care about" from my hometown I make sure to stay in contact with. One of them is going to be my best man and another is going to be a groomsman so I'm kind of forced to, but I would regardless.

Everyone else that I don't talk to very often I'm able to get through life just fine without them, and then they can stay as acquaintances.

Also, OP, if you're not invited to things when you're not back in your hometown, that's probably your fault. If you don't make it known, or stay in contact with anyone, who is going to go out of their to see if you're going to be home and invite you. When I'm coming home for a vacation/holiday, I make it known to the people that I actually want to see while I'm there. I might even send a mass text message to all of my "acquaintances" saying "I'm going to be at XXXXXXX bar on Saturday night, you should come up and say hi!"

make it hard to spot the general by working like a soldier
 

As one of my favorite hitmen, Vincent, once said, "Okay, look, here's the deal, man. You were gonna drive me around tonight, never be the wiser, but El Gordo got in front of a window, did his high dive and we're into Plan B. Still breathing? Now we gotta make the best of it, improvise, adapt to the environment, Darwin, shit happens, I Ching, whatever man, we gotta roll with it."

In other words - it was high school, you are moving on in life. You have a much larger future ahead of you with many more new friends. It happens to everyone. In 5 years, you won't even think about people from your hometown - and when you go back home, it'll be to spend time with your family not your old drinking buddies. Welcome to life and growing up.

 

I am going through exactly the same thing! I'm currently in my senior and I have the same problem - very few friends, more acquaintances. Freshman/Sophomore year I was the average non-target part student, until I started focusing on IBD. Now that I'm done with FT recruiting, I want to party/hangout/have fun, but when I go through my phone, I don't have a 'go to' gang of friends. The ones I do, like you mentioned are going down the same path as I am and don't have much fun / are socially awkward. Especially since I go to a non-target, the kids who are wall-street focused are extremely nerdy and didn't really have an 'average' social circle (lol).

 

I guess this makes sense if your career defines who you are as a person. Honestly, while most of my friends from elementary school have different goals than I do, they still have goals, and I respect them for that. It sounds to me like you let your job define you, which is basically the most boring thing a person can do, and now your "friends" are bored with you.

While living in a different state isn't easy on any friendship (or relationship for that matter), with text messaging and email, as well as video conferencing options like skype and facetime, the only reason to lose touch with people is because you don't value their friendships anymore. I would make the argument that you guys weren't really that good of friends in the first place.

 
Best Response

Realize that you were never actually very close to most of these people in the first place. Maybe one or two, here or there. But in reality, you merely had a few similar interests, spent a lot of time in the same space, and likely hadn't socialized with too many other people at that point in life.....hardly a qualifier for "close" or "trusted friend".

Your real friends will be apparent only in retrospect. Don't confuse real friendship with mere company. I've had 'friends' screw me over on a massive level, and I frankly don't place much value in friendship at all outside of a few people. In my world the priority is family, then work, and everyone else is usually a distant third priority. If someone actually turns out to be a real friend over time, there's almost no limit to what I will do for them, but most people are just passing through your life and trying to take what they can from you. When you're young you confuse a few good interactions with a real relationship. If there's a real connection, a friend understands when you're not a bright and shiny penny all the time, can accept that you may not talk for a while, and expects that you will definitely change and grow differently than them. Friends make you a better person, they make your life better, and you do the same for them.

Just my take.

Get busy living
 

Get used to it; it only gets worse as you get older.

On the plus side, if you're going to an ivy league school that means that a much larger proportion of your friends will end up in NYC and have a fairly demanding career so you will live on the same figurative planet and as a result will be more likely to remain close. If you went to a state school, be prepared for a continent to shift between you and your college friends since your lives, priorities etc will be completely different.

In this field it requires a substantial effort to remain in contact with close friends.

 

If you think its tough holding on to friendships when you are in college... wait until you have kids.

Although, I have more fun playing with my son solving hostage situations where GI Joe has to do a breach and entry on the play house to pacify Ken into letting Barbie go, than I did playing sports and drinking in college.

On a serious note, goals change and people change. Try to have no regrets by living and enjoying the now. If you and your "close" friends want to stay in touch you will and those friends that weather the sands of time change from friends to "family".

 

I was okay growing apart from my HS friends as we never had much in common other than growing up in the same small town together. The college friends are a whole other story, I'll do pretty much anything to hang on to those relationships.

 

I have to echo some of the other comments. just make the effort to keep in touch with the people that you want to stay connected with. a lot of my really good friends are scattered all over the world (including those from high school). it is what you make of it

that said, I think the culling process never ends. You continue to meet new people - some of whom you want to keep in your life and others that you want to say no thanks to

 

I have the opposite problem. I still stay in touch and am close to a lot of people I went to high school with, even the fuck ups. I guess I'm a bit on an exception though because I went to high school on Long Island and am going to college in NYC, so there's really not much distance between us.

Competition is a sin. -John D. Rockefeller
 

Facebook is a good feature when it comes to going to college. It connects you with your friends a lot easier and lets you see what they are up to (e.g. when they upload pictures of their oh-so-wonderful freshman year experience). I went to a rather small high school, so I literally knew everyone from my grade. To this day, there is a small group of HS friends who remain my best friends. College friends are pals but high school friends are family.

Also, if your friends go to "Harvard, Brown, Cornell and Princeton", you can probably coordinate a weekend meet-up in New York or Boston.

 

If you keep reaching out and initiating conversations, it's pretty easy to stay in touch with friends (especially via facebook or email groups). Sure, it won't be the same as when guys were all in high school, but I'm sure you will still hang out during holidays and such. If you wait for others to reach out before you talk with them, then you will have a harder time stay close to old friends. You get what you put in.

 

Um, if these people are your friends then you just keep in touch with them the same way anyone else does. You call and text them and you guys hang out and get drunk when you are at home. If these people are just people that you hung out with in class and not outside school and now you want to use them for future networking opportunities then that is weird and they probably won't want to help you.

This to all my hatin' folks seeing me getting guac right now..
 

You're young and just going off to college so a couple points of insight I think fellow WSO members will agree with me on:

1) Congrats and good luck first off. It's cliche but life is short and before u know it u will be out of college and working- so have fun. 2) As far as high school friends/college friends go, here's how life generally works. You'll go off to college, and for a while you may keep in heavy contact via Facebook, email, etc with kids from high school but after a while you'll develop new friends and relationships, and while there may be a few who u still keep in contact with long term theres really not too much u will have in common any more or be able to say to each other except, "all the best, good luck, etc." times change, people change, blah blah blah- its cliche but true 3) w/ number two, same thing will happen after graduating from college, moving around different jobs, etc

"Did you know that Whitney Houston's debut LP, titled simply Whitney Houston, had four number one singles on it?"
 
bbillgold:
You're young and just going off to college so a couple points of insight I think fellow WSO members will agree with me on:

1) Congrats and good luck first off. It's cliche but life is short and before u know it u will be out of college and working- so have fun. 2) As far as high school friends/college friends go, here's how life generally works. You'll go off to college, and for a while you may keep in heavy contact via Facebook, email, etc with kids from high school but after a while you'll develop new friends and relationships, and while there may be a few who u still keep in contact with long term theres really not too much u will have in common any more or be able to say to each other except, "all the best, good luck, etc." times change, people change, blah blah blah- its cliche but true 3) w/ number two, same thing will happen after graduating from college, moving around different jobs, etc

I guess my real question is when you finally make it into that job whether it's investment banking or any other high end finance job, you don't have that much time. I'm sure you spend whatever free time you have with family or a significant other but when you actually have time for friends who do you hangout with? Is it college friends, HS friends, both or coworkers? Yeah its kind of a weird/stupid question but i was just wondering haha

 

I only keep in touch with a few friends from HS. You really only talk to the ones you really care about, as it gets harder and harder to keep in touch and find similar things (you take on more responsibilities, other people come into your life, etc.)

If you have close friends, definitely keep in touch and try to see each other now and then; with friends that are more acquaintances than anything else, say hi when you see them, but chances are you'll fall out of touch, which isn't a bad thing; it's just a natural part of life.

 

I had a group of 6-7 best friends in high school and were freshmen year roommates with 3

  • One of them I hang out with once every few months when his girl lets him off the leash

  • One I probably see once a year but somewhat chat every month

  • One I talk to a couple times a week because I still wanna bang her

The other bros/old roommates in the group I really don't talk too but they know what it is, the few times I do go home and kick it it's like old times

 

I stay in contact with them, but only very sporadically. It's difficult for people not in finance or law to understand why 100 hours are needed, or what that even means.

--Death, lighter than a feather; duty, heavier than a mountain
 

had a few friends doing their 2 year analyst stint on the street several years back, I would find out when they would have a break in their day (usually between 6-10pm when they're waiting on edits) and give them a quick call/email. when he'd come down to visit we'd play golf, goof off, etc., but just realize that as you get older (past 22), your friendships will decrease in number but increase in depth.

 

Assumenda iusto alias doloremque accusamus qui. Sunt ut non fugit. Dolore aut animi reprehenderit minus voluptatem non.

Laborum accusantium ut unde qui voluptatem eum qui. Veniam veritatis omnis quos numquam. Vel accusamus enim reiciendis numquam maiores. Id quia laborum tempore itaque sint quidem sit. Nihil quibusdam ratione beatae quis.

 

Sunt consequatur nemo est consequatur quia labore sunt animi. Temporibus eius placeat sed ex. Qui magni non voluptas voluptatem. Excepturi occaecati sit omnis dolorum sunt aut omnis consequuntur. Qui voluptatem ipsum ipsam. Ducimus doloribus quasi minima enim voluptatum omnis quisquam.

Quo iusto aut suscipit atque. Iusto aut nisi impedit dolorem. Quia deleniti et cupiditate et omnis.

Reiciendis libero rerum rerum nulla. Dicta vero quo voluptas aliquid. Eveniet est doloribus quibusdam eos sit. Perferendis eveniet repellat labore eaque sed aut. Et dolorem et provident ut dolorum.

Repellat amet quas repudiandae perferendis. Exercitationem aut facilis quia fuga assumenda qui facere. Ut ipsa repellat est magnam. Numquam quis ipsam quas nihil.

 

Aut ullam voluptas aut deserunt. Qui magnam esse id voluptates deserunt tenetur. Doloremque quia molestiae provident voluptatibus incidunt sit. Soluta eaque molestiae exercitationem reiciendis quo. Dolores magnam dolorem numquam maiores commodi.

Tempora numquam porro nesciunt enim autem asperiores quae. Quod unde deleniti omnis consequatur esse. Optio laudantium adipisci maiores ipsum officiis consequuntur. Sunt qui possimus qui sunt id dolorem. Porro aut qui vel eos.

Minima quia ut nam ratione. Sapiente eaque distinctio impedit id aut impedit quo. Aliquid quo et qui voluptatem necessitatibus cumque. Sed reiciendis expedita laudantium vel quidem cum. Est reiciendis dolore corporis id iusto suscipit dignissimos. Dolor labore omnis omnis esse veniam ab enim dolorem. Aliquam et et aut beatae.

Iure ducimus in quo soluta perferendis amet explicabo perferendis. Sint quia nostrum ipsa reiciendis minima ut. Veniam deserunt ad a voluptatibus vel ipsa fugiat.

Career Advancement Opportunities

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Jefferies & Company 02 99.4%
  • Goldman Sachs 19 98.8%
  • Harris Williams & Co. (++) 98.3%
  • Lazard Freres 02 97.7%
  • JPMorgan Chase 03 97.1%

Overall Employee Satisfaction

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Harris Williams & Co. 18 99.4%
  • JPMorgan Chase 10 98.8%
  • Lazard Freres 05 98.3%
  • Morgan Stanley 07 97.7%
  • William Blair 03 97.1%

Professional Growth Opportunities

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Lazard Freres 01 99.4%
  • Jefferies & Company 02 98.8%
  • Goldman Sachs 17 98.3%
  • Moelis & Company 07 97.7%
  • JPMorgan Chase 05 97.1%

Total Avg Compensation

March 2024 Investment Banking

  • Director/MD (5) $648
  • Vice President (19) $385
  • Associates (86) $261
  • 3rd+ Year Analyst (13) $181
  • Intern/Summer Associate (33) $170
  • 2nd Year Analyst (66) $168
  • 1st Year Analyst (202) $159
  • Intern/Summer Analyst (144) $101
notes
16 IB Interviews Notes

“... there’s no excuse to not take advantage of the resources out there available to you. Best value for your $ are the...”

Leaderboard

1
redever's picture
redever
99.2
2
Secyh62's picture
Secyh62
99.0
3
BankonBanking's picture
BankonBanking
99.0
4
Betsy Massar's picture
Betsy Massar
99.0
5
CompBanker's picture
CompBanker
98.9
6
dosk17's picture
dosk17
98.9
7
GameTheory's picture
GameTheory
98.9
8
DrApeman's picture
DrApeman
98.9
9
kanon's picture
kanon
98.9
10
bolo up's picture
bolo up
98.8
success
From 10 rejections to 1 dream investment banking internship

“... I believe it was the single biggest reason why I ended up with an offer...”