Any comments are more than welcomed. I'm in Southern California, so LA and OC are my main targets.
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| WSO Resume.doc 34.5 KB | 34.5 KB |
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I'd be happy to, but you forgot to attach your resume.
@m56 updated. Thank you for the correction. haha
Don't mean to sound like a dick, but this is a terrible resume format-wise; use the WSO resume template- that'll make a HUGE difference immediately.
What kind of positions are you looking for?
I agree with the fact you need a better resume template. I will also be candid for your benefit.
Some other notes for you:
-First and foremost, the resume should be one page. I have much more work experience than you and go to business school; that being said, my resume is still one page. People appreciate short and concise. -Since you are a student, I personally would put the education at the top. I know since you are young that your professional accomplishments are not going to be off the charts. Therefore, I first want to see what you went to school and what you accomplished there. -Your dates are very confusing. If you are still working at the Unified School District it should say "-present" I would also recommend something like Aug 2013 as opposed to 08/2013. I am further confused at how you go to two schools at the same time? -I would recommend you completely removing the objective section. It is riddled with grammar errors, and is very difficult to follow.
-In the same light, try to keep your personal information to one line. The resume is about focusing on you and your accomplishments, not your e-mail address. - Since you are young, your professional accomplishments should not only describe what you did. Instead of simply saying "cashier", it should say something like "worked with a team of cashiers, and worked extra hours to help reconcile expenses".
-If your work experience is fully completed, it should say "Greeted..." as opposed to "Greet". Make sure your tenses are right throughout, even if that means having an english teacher look over it at your school. Another grammar rule you break consistently is parallelism. Google it if you need to, as it will be important in making you a better writer.
-You need to have grammar consistency throughout. In one part you have something such as "Greet all customers" and in another section you have "I will be finishing". You'll notice that the first sentence does not directly list a subject, whereas the second one does. -Under skills get rid of critical thinking, and analytical/problem solving. May be true, but its not a hard skill that you learned such as office.
-Your interests are all over the place. I would be looking for someone who has a small set of passions in which they can show tangible accomplishments. You need to narrow this down significantly.
Thanks. I just used some free template. I just wanted to get the information right. I'm looking for IBD or ER. Really whatever I can get in to. I'm probably going to send it out to just about everything; ER, IBD, HF, RE, PE. I'm just trying to not get laughed at.
Being candid, don't bother sending it out to HF/PE- won't happen given your lack of relevant experience. Being candid again, do you have a network to lean on? It will be extremely tough (to put it somewhat lightly) to get any interviews unless you have professionals pushing your resume/vouching for you. Not saying this to discourage you, but rather to show you that you shouldn't just throw a resume in and expect results- much more to it than that.
What is the basis of your interest in IB/ER etc? Try and show it through your resume- I didn't see anything that linked your interest to your resume when I read it.
Follow the M&I/WSO template strictly. Remove alcohol from your interests, but you could probably get away with 'whiskey' or something if you really wanted. Perhaps remove fashion too- I'm also a guy who likes fashion, and I was told to remove it. Don't think that's why I got my offers, but it might be safer. Remove MS Office as a skill- everyone is expected to know that. Clarify your university situation- it's confusing.
The others hit the mark on format, dates, etc. Right now, the biggest bit of advice I can give you is TAKE YOUR PERSONAL INFO OFF!!!!
Now, to the meatier stuff...
Thank you guys for the feedback. I knew it was going to be ugly, and I'll try to update the best I can with all of the advice-related changes
You misspelled 'gmail' in your email address. That's really one of a million things wrong with it, but really go back to the drawing board and restart with a template. Do you have any non-retail experience?
WSO Resume Review Score*: 4 (out of 15 possible)
Some explanation of the grading:
1, Wording/Bullets: This score represents the overall wording of the bullets and content throughout the resume. Are there action words? are the experiences explained clearly? Does the candidate quantify their impact where possible?
Layout/Format: This score represents to overall layout and format. Finance professionals are notorious for being anal. Although this score is somewhat subjective, there are certain things we look for including consistency, spacing, clean look, clear sections, proper order, good margins, etc.
Overall: This score represents the experiences and school of the candidate and is the hardest to change in the short term. Improving the Wording/Bullets and Layout/Format scores can bump this grade up (usually by 1 grade at most), however, this grade depends largely on the School, GPA, Internships, Leadership, Extracurriculars of the applicant, etc.
We are going to try to provide a candid / direct grading system for as many resumes as we can in this Public Resume Review forum, with the hopes that it will lead candidates that need help on #1. and #2 criteria to consider the WSO Resume Review service that has experienced professionals ready to help bring the #1 and #2 score as close to a 4 or 5 as possible. Due to time contraints, I can't provide more detail and I can only provide this grade to each candidate once (if you try to repost and updated version under a different username, i will recognize it and ignore). What I will say is that if you aren't at a 4 or 5 in Wording and Layout, we can probably help you make significant improvments.
Some more guidelines for total overall score:
3 - 6: Needs MAJOR help / improvements in several areas 7 - 8: Has some major flaws but also has some good areas 9 - 11: An average to slightly above average resume that could still use some help but it is on "ok" shape 12 - 13: A competitive resume that should be able to land some competitive interviews 14 - 15: An impressive resume on all or almost all levels. Wording/Bullets/Layout/format and overall experience, grades, school, etc are all excellent or very good.
We suggest if you score in the bottom 3 categories listed above that you strongly consider the WSO Resume Review service. Whatever you decide, best of luck!
Thanks, Patrick
Patrick, I would love to see a before and after of this resume if the OP uses WSO's review service. It would be one hell of a commercial.
well he's not the perfect candidate, but close...The perfect candidate is a
...which is pretty much impossible since there is strong correlation across those categories. We could improve the bullets and formatting dramatically, but we can't increase his GPA or give him better internship / leadership experiences, etc.
Remove your name and the school you go to!
Seriously, I have your entire personal info!
Hmm I like your interest in alcohol. You're hired.
Honestly man, this is a train wreck, and I don't mean to be an ass. Cmon dude, interest in alcohol?
To specify, I really don't drink much, but I enjoy nice scotch and different wines. Alcohol fascinates me with how it's different bottle-to-bottle and maker-to-maker. All the different processes and results, it's kind of amazing. So to clarify, not an alcoholic interest, more of the science and legitimate tasting interest. haha
oh man I fucked up >.
Alright, here's an updated version. Hopefully this looks better than the first. Thanks for the criticism, SB's were awarded.
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