Investment Bankers on Craigslist?

lack of free time

by iambateman (Senior Gorilla, 995 Points) on 4/2/08 at 5:48pm

lack of free time

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I put a post on

by b2 (Gorilla, 530 Points) on 4/15/08 at 2:10am

I put a post on craiglist, but I wasn't really looking for a date... I just like to write for fun:

http://newyork.craigslist.org/mnh/m4w/635733705.html

...you wouldn't believe the number of idiotic responses I've gotten from different girls.

I think the post expires tomorrow.

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Here's what b2

by aachimp (Gorilla, 696 Points) on 4/15/08 at 10:29am

Here's what b2 posted:

Hello,

ABOUT YOU:
You are a young and good-looking girl. The parental abuse that you incurred as a child has left you emotionally distant and sexually repressed. You are able to sustain months (years?) of loneliness because you shudder at the thought of human interaction. You have a constant feeling of inadequacy leading to excessive hours on the elliptical machine (and, accordingly, a nicely toned bum). I might do stuff to you while you are sleeping at 4AM (when I finally get home from the office), but, other than that, our sex-life will be nonexistent. Naive girls who have been in long-distance relationships and have had their hearts broken by guys who perpetually cheated are more than welcome to email me; I promise that I'm different.

ABOUT ME:
I am a first year analyst at a bulge-bracket investment bank; this means that I'm either Jewish, Asian, or from old-money (and, therefore, connected up the wazoo). Given that this post is (hopefully) grammatically correct, coherently legible, and satirically palatable, I'd like to think that I got into banking based on merits associated with my intelligence; therefore, I'm probably not from old money and am not connected up the wazoo (sorry).

I got into banking as a result of an overwhelming abundance of insecurities. I went to a top-tiered and prestigious undergraduate university, yet, have always felt inferior to the Harvardites and Princetonians that surround me. I'm likely either short and socially outcasted (with excellent kung-fu skills) or schnoz-nosed and unable to date, as every girl I meet in Manhattan is a UES slut that reminds me of my mother.

I go to the gym every morning, as my unnecessarily ambitious and secretively compensating type-A personality forces me to always strive for the best. That, and also the endorphins released from the exercise keep me elated enough to prevent attempting suicide for at least 24 hours.

I approach dating as I do anything else; as a strict meritocracy where I compete to win. At bars, I won't tell girls that I'm a banker; I feel that it would be unfair to take a girl home by playing the pity card ("Oh, you work in banking? I feel so bad for you. Fine, I guess I'll sleep with you."). I'll likely say that I'm a math teacher at the Dalton School (my Jewish/Asian heritage helps me here) so that girls realize that I'm piss-poor (as are all my other analyst buddies, despite what we tell our family and friends back home) but have Epstein potential.

My interests include playing brickbreaker on my blackberry, romantic dinners expensed to my firm, and finding novel ways to entertain myself during late-night hours (posting personal ads on Craigslist at 3AM - FUN; getting head from you while you hide under my desk - PROBABLY FUNNER).

If you fit my description (and God help you if you do...) feel free to email me. Pictures of boobs (yours or random ones you find on the internet) would be helpful to include in the email. As I'm posting this with my work email address, I'm hoping to get lucky enough that some back-office rat finds the inappropriate content during a routine inbox sweep, so that I can finally be liberated from this relentless world of superficial elitism. I'm talking about the old-money guys.

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I've found that the public

by b2 (Gorilla, 530 Points) on 4/15/08 at 11:33am

I've found that the public really just doesn't share my sense of humor... I write satire for The Onion and it's always been well received, but whenever I try to extrapolate that same writing style to target the general public, the humor often goes undetected. This craigslist post is the third time I've tested the waters outside of The Onion, using an Onionish writing style, and, judging from the responses I've gotten, maybe 2 or 3 out of the dozen or so girls actually understood the post.

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b2, you have a gift. Keep on

by triadelection (Senior Chimp, 24 Points) on 4/16/08 at 11:28pm

b2, you have a gift. Keep on writing.

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b2

by McMo (Orangutan, 301 Points) on 4/17/08 at 12:56pm

That is amazing please post responses.

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Classic

by slickmac (Orangutan, 252 Points) on 4/17/08 at 4:23pm

Classic

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actually working on this :)

by WallStreetOasis.com (Neanderthal, 2407 Points) on 4/17/08 at 5:29pm

already on it....

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Interesting... that's not my

by b2 (Gorilla, 530 Points) on 4/18/08 at 5:53pm

Interesting... that's not my post. Someone copied and pasted what I wrote verbatim. F'ing plagiarism...

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1

by broadandwall (Chimp, 10 Points) on 4/20/08 at 7:04pm

hk

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also, btw, you will only

by broadandwall (Chimp, 10 Points) on 4/20/08 at 4:43am

also, btw, you will only meet psychos on CL, so fuck-buddy material only, and use a rubber for god-sake!@!!

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Oh how I love CL

by LizzieJane (Monkey, 57 Points) on 4/24/08 at 3:44pm

Hahaha...a few years ago my boss introduced me to CL around the time I was looking for a roommate. I was so very naive and completely unaware of what I was getting myself into. I moved in with a girl I met from the roommate listings and about 2 weeks later I realized that she was f-ing NUTS. Like totally and completely, certifiably insane.

I moved out 8 months early.

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...

by smuguy97 (Senior Gorilla, 992 Points) on 4/24/08 at 5:20pm

I hope this is a joke.

The grammatical error was clearly intentional.

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The power

by Alphaholic (Senior Orangutan, 474 Points) on 5/13/08 at 12:05pm

Craigslist is quite possibly the only place you can post a listing for a used couch, and get back requests to meet up for random sex.

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b2, I wanna see those

by newbie2banking (Senior Orangutan, 422 Points) on 5/13/08 at 3:25pm

b2, I wanna see those responses... It's been a long day, and I could really do with some humor right about now...

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