Day 2: Healthy Competition Among Mature Men

Just to take a quick break from the job search related posts, I want to mix things up a bit today. Most men are depressed from two things: 1) Money/Job, 2) Relationship. So I am going to talk a bit on #2, since we already focused enough attention on #1 on WSO. The truth of the matter is there is no much difference between charming a girl and winning an offer. In the end of the day, you have to make the other person on the other side of the table, says "Yes, and Yes." I think success in dating and success in career often overlaps because at the end of the day, you want to be able to present yourself well in front of others.

It hit me one day that most guys are competing with each other in New York City dating scene. I think it’s a fair game. However, it must be fair and it must be just. It must be a healthy competition that is carried out like grownups. Today, I want to talk about how to create the right mindset.

Top 10 Ideas for Happy Dating

[ √ ] The world is bountiful.
[ √ ] Be positive.
[ √ ] It’s all about finding the “right fit”.
[ √ ] Always be willing to walk away.
[ √ ] Never oversell yourself.
[ √ ] You can be happy “single”.
[ √ ] I believe everyone is looking for “true love”.
[ √ ] Enjoy yourself.
[ √ ] Other men are not your competition.
[ √ ] Turn other men to become your friends and advocates.

[ √ ] The world is bountiful.
The reason that I see guys competing with each other, stems from the “scarcity” mentality. It’s an ideology that was reinforced earlier in our childhood that “we cannot have everything we want” and that we must “trade for one thing for the other”. This single idea greatly affects our mentality as we grown into adulthood. This is also the single most important reason that I see guys fighting over “highly attractive” girls. They are assuming that there won’t be any great girls left if they were to miss their shot. And that’s absolutely not true. You need to know that there are plenty of great women in this world. Take your time and you will find the right one.

[ √ ] Be positive.
Your view in life changes everything. In life coaching community, this is an overused word, “be positive” and yet this is the core of self development. I always coach my friends that if you assume and tell yourself that you are going to get the girl’s number, you will always get it. Your confidence shines through. The way you talk changes. Your body posture will appear more confident. And the message gets across in a positive way. Most importantly, positivity allows you to deal with “rejection” better. The guys who succeed in club scenes are the guys who don’t take rejection personally. That’s get to my next point.

[ √ ] It’s all about finding the “right fit”.
When she rejects you, it’s a feedback. It doesn’t reflect badly on you as a person. There is nothing wrong with you. People take things a lot more personally than I originally imagined. When something failed, it’s just the way of the world telling you to try new things, to knock on new doors and to reinvent yourself. That means when things are not going well while approaching a girl, you must always do the next step:

[ √ ] Always be willing to walk away.
I see guys keep pitching the same girl, as if they were the only one at the club. The last time I checked, there are 149,000 MORE single women (according to Village Voice article: Dear Single Women of NYC: It's Not Them, It's You.) than single men in the New York City. So why the rush. And if you had to walk away constantly, you must be doing the following thing on the list:

[ √ ] Never oversell yourself.
Present yourself confidently. Build your equity. Contrary to common belief, I think most guys try harder than they need to be. They keep thinking about the lines to say. They keep “replaying” various scenarios that can go on a set and keep thinking “what is the next step”. It’s like trying to get as much things done without taking the time to enjoy the process. Relax. Enjoy. Anticipating is a good thing. You believe that you need to be in a relationship because you believe that you have to be with someone, which bring up my next point.

[ √ ] You can be happy “single”.
There is nothing wrong with “being single”. Being single is a choice. I think that a healthy relationship can only be established between two emotionally healthy individuals. This means these two individuals are happy with themselves. They don’t need someone to complete them. Having the other person makes their lives “happier” but they don’t really need each other. My favorite line is “I don’t need you. I want you.” You have control over what you “want”, but your “need” is more of a fundamental deficiency. You cannot fall in love and have a great relationship without being a complete person first.

[ √ ] I believe everyone is looking for “true love”.
The reason that people are afraid of talking about “sex” is it feels like something out of their control. Everyone is doing it but no one really knows about it. Everyone think that they need it. But I really believe that what everyone seeking is “companionship” and “acceptance”. We all want someone to share our feelings with. We want someone to accept us completely. Sex is merely an expression of love, or perhaps an act of love but definitely not the definition of love. It’s a very important point that I get this point across.

[ √ ] Enjoy yourself.
It would be great to meet that special someone. But you are out here to make new friends. You want to learn about how other people live their lives. Meeting new people and learning new things make you an interesting person and an emotionally healthy person overall. When you are happy with yourself, you will naturally attract the right kind of person who fit you.

[ √ ] Other men are not your competition.
I look at dating as a golf game. A true golfer knows that he is playing against the course and not other players. He wants to get better than who he was yesterday. Similarly to any self-development journey, it’s all about improving yourself. That’s why other guys at the club are not your competition. They are merely participants in the game. To make things clearer, it’s like applying for jobs. Would you have the power to prevent everyone in the world from applying for IBD Analyst position at Goldman Sachs? No, you really can’t. But you can work on your resume. You can improve your interviewing skills. You can learn more skill sets that will be more valuable to your employer. You can learn more about your employer so that you will know better how to become a better employee. The same concept applies in dating. Just replace the employer with your dream girl. And by the way, Goldman is not the only who is hiring. There are Barclays, Morgan Stanley, Credit Suisse, JP Morgan, Citigroup and etc. You get my point…

[ √ ] Turn other men to become your friends and advocates.
It’s better to hear good things about you from an unbiased third party than through your own mouth. It’s because it’s unbiased. The same thing can be said about in dating. If you can establish yourself an impeccable young man who is full of ambition, character and charm, And there is nothing better to say about who you really are than having a group of great guy friends. It says that you are a mature guy who can establish strong relationship with other men.

My Story:
Part 1: My Pursuit of Happyness
Part 2: My Pursuit of Happyness

See my previous posts in this series:
Day 1: To Be A Better Man
Day 2: Healthy Competition Among Mature Men
Day 3: I HATE YOU
Day 4: SWAG, Do You Have It?
Day 5: Word of Advice
Day 6: 10 Important Life Lessons
Day 7: Unofficial Guide to Banking & Dating
Bonus: Previous Useful Posts