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5 ways to get dinged before the interview
 

bankerella's picture
IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:00pm
BankerHandshake.jpg

All right, monkeys. Welcome to recruiting season. I am your interviewer.

No, seriously. I really might be your interviewer. This upcoming week your very own Auntie Bankerella will be hitting up several universities in a couple of different cities. I’ll be giving presentations, speaking at a panel, holding dinners, and, inevitably, interviewing a couple dozen of you monkeys.

Why would I do this when I have real work to do? Is it because I want my firm to have first dibs on the new generation of top talent? Is it because I want to fill my firm with alumni of my school to consolidate our power base? Is it because I lost a bet with HR? Is it so I can see how many monkeys post here next week saying, “Help, this [x] at [x firm] gave me her business card at a networking event and said I could call; what should I say and what questions should I ask?”

Hell no. I recruit because I’m fucking tired.

Because it gives me a chance to work a little less and get a full night's sleep. Because I get to disconnect for a few hours on planes (I get my best thinking done that way). Because for once I can sit in a restaurant and enjoy a drink and a meal without worrying about fishbowl issues. Because, alone and anonymous in a different city, I can do things I wouldn’t ordinarily be able to do. Things that definitively have nothing to do with undergraduate or MBA recruiting.

And I’m sorry to tell you folks, but if you want to go to second rounds at my firm from these schools, you have to go through me one way or another. Sucks for you, but it is what it is.

Great. So how do you get past this 30-something raging douchebitch interviewer who needs another two hours to sleep off her champagne hangover and doesn’t want to listen to your carefully crafted spiel on why you are the perfect fit for her firm?

I’ll give you the serious answers to that next time. Today I’ll be discussing what to do if you really just want to get dinged quickly before you ever get a shot at an interview.

Here are the no-fail techniques:

1: The EIS hustle. You got there early to position yourself strategically: front row, end seat next to the aisle. You spend the last five minutes of the talk locked onto me like a missile, your notebook closed, your pen put away, your thighs tensed, ready to spring. When the talk ends, you leap up and elbow past fourteen people to make it to me before anyone else does. Your eyes are soulless, your shoes are polished, your hand’s extended, you’re charging, you’re ten feet from me, eight, seven, six....

I see you. I know you. I was you. You’re a douchebag.

I give you total props for trying this hard, and I may shrug off this behavior if you do everything else exactly right. After all, I have to talk to people after the session; it might as well be you. But don’t monopolize my time. Or I will ask you for your business card, write “ding” on the back of it, and stick it in the receipts pocket of my bag. (In other words, I WILL see the card again and remember to follow up with the entire recruiting team to make sure they know your status.)

2: “My question is, do you know how great I am?” The purpose of a question is to ask a question, or to show that you can open your mouth without embarrassing yourself and me. The purpose of a question is not simply to kiss my ass or show yourself off. Do not fall into the habit of “I have a question. [Insert long, completely self-serving, declarative statement here.] What do you think about that?”

What do I think about that? I think you’re a douchebag. What’s worse and less forgivable, I think you lack even the tiny modicum of social awareness you need to survive in my world.

3: The pre-interview interview. I don’t care how awesome you are, all you can get out of me before round one is a pass to round one. You’re not getting the offer today, no matter how hard you try. So don’t treat my time the way you would if we were in the interview room, with long-winded answers and endless additional questions.

If you get the interview, you get thirty minutes on my calendar to showboat all you want. If you don’t have the interview yet, every second you take from me has to come from somewhere else in my life.

So step right up to me, shake my hand, introduce yourself very briefly (less than five seconds), lob me a fast softball question, listen to my answer, maybe ask a very brief followup, take my card, and go. Don’t expect it to turn into an interview. And don’t send me a followup email asking when the next round is. You haven’t had the first round yet.

4: Awkward Turtle’s school of ass-kissing. You’re only 21. Your only internship so far has been in brokerage operations. The banker in front of you has the power to change your life. You only get one shot, one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted. (Cue the music here.) You gonna let it slip? No. You’re going to get on your knees and kiss this banker’s ass longer and harder and better than any ass has ever been kissed. And until you figure out what kind of ass-kissing this person likes, you’re going with the pray-and-spray approach: you will grovel and hang on every word the person says.

Except this banker just wants to get through the session.

Even if they love ass-kissing, it is slightly embarrassing to be seen enjoying the ass-kissing of an undergrad. More importantly, that sweaty, enthusiastic, wide-eyed ass-kissing is too high-energy. It takes too much work to even receive it.

If you're going to do it, be smooth about it. Be calm, be relaxed, meet as equals. Then throw ‘em a little smooch, real slick and subtle and down-low, like a throwaway line. More believable. Feels good. Make it something that doesn’t require a response, because responding to ass-kissing is usually awkward. But don’t worry; they heard it. No one misses a compliment.

5: The good old girl network. As a smart, hardworking girl, you’re not asking for a free pass to the head of the line, just for a little helping hand. A good word in the right ear. Is that so wrong? After all, you’ve worked hard to get where you are, and you deserve it. After all, we girls have to stick together, right?

As if you’re worried I might not notice you’re female, you make veiled allusions to a cause, to “the female experience”. You ask for mentorship five minutes after meeting me. You talk about how inspiring it is to meet a successful female in the business.

Maybe you ask me what my husband does for a living, about my childcare arrangements or maternity leave. You definitely ask about my hours. Maybe you google me and then show up with all sorts of exaggerated reasons (your sorority, your undergrad, your family background) why you’re just like me.

But, as we say where I come from, that and fifty cents will get you a cup of coffee.

If you’re a woman, your goal in handling me should be to behave like everyone else and get the same chance everyone else gets. If you try to get special treatment out of me because we share a gender, I will ding you so hard in undergrad that you’ll still be dinged when you come out of b-school five years later.

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Comments

adapt or die's picture

You're so hard, haha.

(King Kong, 1,231
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 2:54pm

You're so hard, haha.

DonVon's picture

Bankerella, I would be

IB
(King Kong, 1,914
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 2:58pm

Bankerella, I would be mortified if you were my interviewer. Thank God I'm not on a campus.

"An intellectual is a man who takes more words than necessary to tell more than he knows."
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Check out my blog!

shark-monkey's picture

Bankerella, Hit me up when

HF
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:10pm

Bankerella, Hit me up when you're in my City. We can go out, have a nice dinner, and do things that you wouldn't normally be able to do....

Fear is the greatest motivator. Motivation is what it takes to find profit.

BTbanker's picture

ah shit.

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:15pm

ah shit.

"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan

Aaron Burr's picture

Truth right here

PE
(Gorilla, 558
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:16pm

Truth right here

See my other WSO blog posts

monaco1's picture

no offense but i seriously

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:25pm

no offense but i seriously think you belong in a mental institution

happypantsmcgee's picture

monaco1: no offense but i

O
(Almost Human, 9,621
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:31pm
monaco1:

no offense but i seriously think you belong in a mental institution

This sentence killed me, unintentional hilarity at its finest.

If I had asked people what they wanted, they would have said faster horses - Henry Ford

R0bin's picture

Bankerella, I know this guy

(Orangutan, 292
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:37pm

Bankerella, I know this guy named Darnell, works at UPS, you guys would totally hit it off.

Baby you're the perfect shape, baby you're the perfect weight. Treat me like my birthday, I want it this way and I want it that way. It makes a man feel good baby.

Nebular's picture

Can someone save me the read

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 3:41pm

Can someone save me the read and see if number 5 is about some girl on girl action?

Bearearns's picture

I have a question is a habit

(Orangutan, 275
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:04pm

I have a question is a habit I picked up and the worst part is I have no idea how I did.

Somewhere post job offer.... which is even worse.

BeerSaturns's picture

Bankerella, next time you go

(Monkey, 42
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:06pm

Bankerella, next time you go recruiting dont forget that you provide a service on behalf of your firm to kids you recruit and nothing more. You are an employee. You are in charge of that one little moment and I can see it gives you a huge boner. To all the kids that go recruit dont kiss ass, especially to people like op, show respect, act strong and even if you are desperate never show weakness. Value your experiences, education and abilities. Good recruiters will see and appreciate that.

mxc's picture

I've said it before but I'll

O
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:07pm

I've said it before but I'll say it again. Let me know when you come to London. I'll show you my BB credentials.

Financier4Hire's picture

I go from the jailhouse to

PE
(King Kong, 1,082
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:11pm

I go from the jailhouse to the penthouse in one day.

"The future isn't what it used to be "-Yogi Berra

"Perhaps you've failed to take into account my hidden assets"-007


The coolest cat on WSO
My BLOG

Financier4Hire's picture

"Don't look at my car, Don't

PE
(King Kong, 1,082
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:23pm

"Don't look at my car,
Don't look at my clothes,
And label my as a loser,
'Cause I am royalty"

"The future isn't what it used to be "-Yogi Berra

"Perhaps you've failed to take into account my hidden assets"-007


The coolest cat on WSO
My BLOG

tequilazombie's picture

"Im a GIRL and a banker - a

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:24pm

"Im a GIRL and a banker - a grrl banker!! XD don't hit on me you silly boys!!"

- Bankerella

Financier4Hire's picture

mxc: I've said it before but

PE
(King Kong, 1,082
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:28pm

"The future isn't what it used to be "-Yogi Berra

"Perhaps you've failed to take into account my hidden assets"-007


The coolest cat on WSO
My BLOG

George87's picture

bankerella: And I’m sorry to

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:34pm
trailmix8's picture

Bearearns: I have a question

AM
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 4:57pm
Bearearns's picture

I normally do. Quick

(Orangutan, 275
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 5:32pm
Bearearns's picture

Anytime I hear quick

(Orangutan, 275
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 5:33pm
KKS's picture

You would think these things

IB
(Gorilla, 640
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 5:56pm
toothbrush234's picture

bankerella: I think you lack

(Chimp, 2
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:05pm
Ches's picture

30s mean you are a sexual

HF
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:23pm
wolverine19x89's picture

You would think it would be

O
(King Kong, 1,845
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:25pm

If your dreams don't scare you, then they are not big enough.

"There are two types of people in this world: People who say they pee in the shower, and dirty fucking liars."-Louis C.K.

toothbrush234's picture

R0bin: Bankerella, I know

(Chimp, 2
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:32pm
bankerella's picture

Ches: 30s mean you are a

IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:39pm

See my other WSO blog posts

Senvik's picture

Thanks for the good post but

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 7:54pm

"You stop being an asshole when it sucks to be you." - IlliniProgrammer

above_and_beyond's picture

monaco1: no offense but i

IB
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 8:24pm
GS's picture

bankerella: Ches: 30s mean

ST
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 8:32pm
Billy Ray Valentine's picture

BeerSaturns, A) She's a chick

O
(King Kong, 1,122
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 8:41pm

INTERVIEW GUIDES -- Technical, Fit and Networking... The Biz School Bible and More...

Interest.ed's picture

I am in love. Ding me, I

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 9:02pm
Nebular's picture

bankerella: Ches: 30s mean

 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 10:30pm
UFOinsider's picture

happypantsmcgee: monaco1: n

O
(Human, 10,328
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 10:40pm

YOU JUST GOT TROLLED
http://www.troll.me/images/red-foreman322/dont-you...

Kenny Powers's picture

bankerella, if i see you at a

O
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 10:54pm

pick em, lick em, stick em

bankerella's picture

Kenny Powers: bankerella, if

IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 10:56pm

See my other WSO blog posts

Kenny Powers's picture

bankerella: Kenny

O
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:04pm

pick em, lick em, stick em

bankerella's picture

Kenny

IB
(King Kong, 1,863
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:07pm

See my other WSO blog posts

ChrisHansen's picture

Billy Ray Valentine: A)

(Gorilla, 530
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:08pm

"I'm the luckiest guy in the world, and when I die I want to come back as me."
-Mark Cuban

wannabeaballer's picture

I don't want a job at

O
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:09pm

Gun Control Discussion

Onetwobit's picture

you sure have a lot of time

CF
(Orangutan, 252
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:20pm
R0bin's picture

Being a bit of a conspiracy

(Orangutan, 292
 
Points)
 on 9/10/12 at 11:59pm

Baby you're the perfect shape, baby you're the perfect weight. Treat me like my birthday, I want it this way and I want it that way. It makes a man feel good baby.

Financier4Hire's picture

R0bin: Being a bit of a

PE
(King Kong, 1,082
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 1:03am

"The future isn't what it used to be "-Yogi Berra

"Perhaps you've failed to take into account my hidden assets"-007


The coolest cat on WSO
My BLOG

UFOinsider's picture

bankerella: the culture that

O
(Human, 10,328
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 1:19am

YOU JUST GOT TROLLED
http://www.troll.me/images/red-foreman322/dont-you...

blastoise's picture

bankerella are you

O
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 3:19am
GS's picture

wannabeaballer: I don't want

ST
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 7:29am
ladubs111's picture

are you attractive enough to

IA
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 10:39am
Aldushy's picture

bankerella : Interesting post

O
(Monkey, 44
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 10:43am

Death is certain; Life aint.

UFOinsider's picture

Aldushy: I say we give

O
(Human, 10,328
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 10:54am

YOU JUST GOT TROLLED
http://www.troll.me/images/red-foreman322/dont-you...

Aldushy's picture

UFOinsider: Aldushy: I say

O
(Monkey, 44
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 11:02am

Death is certain; Life aint.

Ches's picture

A woman gets comfortable with

HF
 
Points)
 on 9/11/12 at 3:29pm

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