Cold Email Template

kmess024's picture
Rank: Orangutan | banana points 313

I am starting network for the first time and would like to get some critic for my template. I am a just starting college and hope to find an internship for next summer.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ___________, a student at Berkeley City College majoring in Business Administration. I found your contact information on _____ as well as the alumni database. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry and specifically the mergers and acquistions field. I know you are busy and understand if they can't make the time - but I would really appreciate it if you could be open to a brief informational interview over the phone or in person next week? I am eager to learn more about your undergraduate experiences at ________ university and about your role at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best,

  1. a. Can anyone help me find people's email from GS, JPM, or any other BB in the S.F. area, and also how do you find emails the proper way?
    b. Does it have be someone in N.Y or is S.F good enough?
  2. Do these people have to be Associates, VPs, or MDs, or can it be an analyst?

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Comments (74)

Best Response
Aug 14, 2012

Comma after "College."

I would only say "I found your contact information through the alumni database," unless the other reason was something relevant like the person's finance blog or whatever.

"I understand you are busy and may not have the time" - simpler/clearer. Don't use a dash; replace it with a comma.

You can do the rest, and break it up. One solid block would get "tl;dr" as a reaction.

PS - Best what? Best regards? Best wishes? Best pal?

    • 3
Aug 14, 2012
Cola Coca:

Comma after "College."

I would only say "I found your contact information through the alumni database," unless the other reason was something relevant like the person's finance blog or whatever.

"I understand you are busy and may not have the time" - simpler/clearer. Don't use a dash; replace it with a comma.

You can do the rest, and break it up. One solid block would get "tl;dr" as a reaction.

PS - Best what? Best regards? Best wishes? Best pal?

It was best regards, but it got cut off.

The Four E's of investment
"The greatest Enemies of the Equity investor are Expenses and Emotions."- Warren Buffet

Aug 14, 2012

if they can't make the time = if you can't make the time.
replace informational interview with something else, it sounds awkward

Aug 14, 2012

Your 'template' is full of grammatical errors, man!

Aug 14, 2012
kmess024:

1. a. Can anyone help me find people's email from GS, JPM, or any other BB in the S.F. area, and also how do you find emails the proper way?

Companies use a specific format for all emails

[email protected]

Just find out the company's email format and fill in the names accordingly.

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Aug 14, 2012

Consider a re-write. You'll want it shorter, and tighter. For example, only use question marks for questions.

Aug 14, 2012

How about you spending sometime finding out more about each person you want to email, e.g. what do they do and how can they benefit from having you around as an analyst. If you don't want to spend the time to research each person and write a personalized letter to them then they are not going to waste their time responding to your cold email template/spam.

    • 1
Aug 14, 2012
kmess024:

I am starting network for the first time and would like to get some critic for my template. I am a just starting college and hope to find an internship for next summer.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ___________, a student at Berkeley City College majoring in Business Administration. I found your contact information on _____ as well as the alumni database. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry and specifically the mergers and acquistions field. I know you are busy and understand if they can't make the time - but I would really appreciate it if you could be open to a brief informational interview over the phone or in person next week? I am eager to learn more about your undergraduate experiences at ________ university and about your role at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best,

  1. a. Can anyone help me find people's email from GS, JPM, or any other BB in the S.F. area, and also how do you find emails the proper way?
    b. Does it have be someone in N.Y or is S.F good enough?
  2. Do these people have to be Associates, VPs, or MDs, or can it be an analyst?

Please consider rewriting this template. It's pretty standard in terms of content which is fine, but whats not fine is that this email just has so many grammatical errors and awkward sentences that if I were to get it I would not bother giving you a single second of my time.

1b depends on where you want to work. If you're set on NY and only want NY then why bother with other cities. If you want IB and are not picky in terms of cities than choose 3-4.
2 just write to all levels that you can find. Its never certain who is willing to reply but again, with that template you will not hear from anyone.

Aug 14, 2012

My new template.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ________, a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your contact information on _____. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry. I understand you are busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief interview over the phone or in person next week. I am eager to learn more about your role and experiences at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best Regards,

*****Not sure if I need the best regards if I introduced my name already.

The Four E's of investment
"The greatest Enemies of the Equity investor are Expenses and Emotions."- Warren Buffet

Aug 14, 2012
kmess024:

My new template.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ________, a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your contact information on _____. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry. I understand you are busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief interview over the phone or in person next week. I am eager to learn more about your role and experiences at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best Regards,

*****Not sure if I need the best regards if I introduced my name already.

Much better but sounds a bit choppy between your first three sentences. So just do a little editing there and shud be much better

Aug 14, 2012
kmess024:

My new template.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ________, a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your contact information on _____. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry. I understand you are busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief interview over the phone or in person next week. I am eager to learn more about your role and experiences at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best Regards,

*****Not sure if I need the best regards if I introduced my name already.

Mr. _______
|
Hey,
|
My name is Devontae, I'm a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your email through a mutual friend. I know you're a busy motherfucker, so I'll make this short.
|
I'm a rising sophomore with a passion for investment banking. I'd appreciate it if you could take time out of your schedule to...
|
Best Regards,
|
|
|
Devontae Jemarcus

I have no idea what the fuck you're going after with your 'template'. Fill out the last part accordingly.

Aug 14, 2012
Extensity:
kmess024:

My new template.

Dear Mr/Mrs X,
Hi, my name is ________, a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your contact information on _____. I am highly interested in the investment banking industry. I understand you are busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief interview over the phone or in person next week. I am eager to learn more about your role and experiences at ______ bank. Thank you for your time and help.

Best Regards,

*****Not sure if I need the best regards if I introduced my name already.

Mr. _______
|
Hey,
|
My name is Devontae, I'm a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your email through a mutual friend. I know you're a busy motherfucker, so I'll make this short.
|
I'm a rising sophomore with a passion for investment banking. I'd appreciate it if you could take time out of your schedule to...
|
Best Regards,
|
|
|
Devontae Jemarcus

I have no idea what the fuck you're going after with your 'template'. Fill out the last part accordingly.

Swearing in a cold email seems unprofessional, but I see what your getting at.

The Four E's of investment
"The greatest Enemies of the Equity investor are Expenses and Emotions."- Warren Buffet

Aug 14, 2012

It's gotta be more concise and to the point. Shoot for 3-4 sentences.

My name is Nicky, but you can call me Dre.

Aug 15, 2012

Saying "interview" sounds retarded. Just put conversation.

Aug 14, 2012

I have a list of 21 people and I have one last draft. Tell me if this good enough.

Mr/Mrs X,
Hi,
My name is Kennedy, I'm a Business Administration major at Berkeley City College. I found your contact information through a connection on _________. I am a freshmen with an interest in investment bank. I understand you are very busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief conversation over the phone or in person possibly next week to talk about your role at ____ bank and undergraduate experiences at _______. Thank you for your time and help.

Best Regards,

The Four E's of investment
"The greatest Enemies of the Equity investor are Expenses and Emotions."- Warren Buffet

Aug 24, 2012

Grammar! I would ignore your email just for all the mistakes you've made.

My name is Kennedy, I'm a Business Administration major

a freshmen

an interest in investment bank

Mr/Mrs X,
Hi,

Are you an ESL student? I don't mean any offense, but maybe you should take a few more classes. I can't stress enough the importance of writing skills in any professional context.

Aug 24, 2012

everyone has said it already..just wanted to focus a bit more on:

// I understand you are very busy and may not have the time, but I would really appreciate it if you could be open for a brief conversation over the phone or in person possibly next week to talk about your role at ____ bank and undergraduate experiences at _______. Thank you for your time and help.//

That's very meak. Why remind them they are busy? So they can ignore you faster? Also, why do you want to know about their undergrad exp? really, who has time to talk about that. They know what you are after so don't beat around the bush.

something along the lines of the following would be better, and more honest.

I am trying to break into the industry and I would greatly appreciate a quick chat over the phone, or in person, about your experience in XXXXX and any advice you can give me on ......

    • 1
Feb 21, 2013

man...this was a brutal post...never thought it'd be this tricky to send an email!

    • 1
Apr 9, 2013

Why not just end it like this...

"Thank you,

Name
Email
Phone Number"

Apr 9, 2013

Too long man!!! Additionally, networking is about building a relationship. You want to bolster your own credibility and ask for what you want (an internship) eventually, but not right off the bat.

Try this:

Dear Mr/Mrs X,

Hi, my name is ___________. I am currently a student at Berkeley City College. I have a passion for the investment banking industry; more specifically the mergers and acquisitions field, which I find absolutely fascinating. I am currently writing a (paper and/or article and/or whatever fucking bullshit) and I was hoping I could get your opinion on the (insert question regarding recent, hot M&A deal). I am certain that you have a demanding schedule, but I would truly appreciate it if you could weigh in.

Looking forward to hearing from you soon.

Best,

    • 1
Apr 9, 2013

.

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7,548 questions across 469 investment banks. The WSO Investment Banking Interview Prep Course has everything you'll ever need to start your career on Wall Street. Technical, Behavioral and Networking Courses + 2 Bonus Modules. Learn more.

Apr 9, 2013

why are we still using Mr/Mrs? I would address by first name...

Jul 30, 2016

Do not try to please them too much.

Jul 30, 2016

Start with how you found their details and what drew you to their profile. Otherwise it just reads like you're asking for a job (which is implicit, but not want you want to start with).

Jul 30, 2016

I think this is fine. You are going to need to learn to think for yourself when communicating and networking and calm down or else the entire process will be hell if you second guess every networking email you send. Just keep them straight and to the point which I think you accomplished.

Jul 30, 2016
john2:

Do you guys think you can critique my cold email. I tried to keep it as short as possible. Where does it need improvement?

Mr./Ms. Smith,

My name is John Doe. I am a junior at ______ majoring in economics. I am interested in ________ and saw that you were a partner in the _______
department at ___company____. Whenever you have time, I would love to talk to
you about your career and how you got started there. My phone number
is 1-XXX-XXX-XXXX and my email is ______________. I am looking forward to hearing from you.

John Doe
contact info
contact info

Dear so and so, (not just their name)

And dont say how you got started there... say something like, "I would love to talk to you about your career and get advice on securing opportunities in investment banking(or whatever industry)." They know why you want to connect, be straightforward. As long as you aren't directly asking them for a position you should come right out and say it.

This is all merely my opinion, do whatever you want.

Jul 30, 2016

agreed. good start though.