Rate my cold email template (old vs new)

John-Jacobs1's picture
Rank: Gorilla | banana points 655

Email 1 (current):

My name is XYZ and I am a senior majoring in XYZ at XYZ University who found your information via Linkedin. I am interested to learn more about investment banking and XYZ bank in particular. Would you have some time this week to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference.

Email 2 (updated):

My name is XYZ and I am a senior majoring in XYZ at XYZ University. I saw that you are also a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking.

I have had leadership roles outside school, relevant coursework, (3.5 GPA should I mention it?) and am currently interning at an investment bank. I am passionate about finding a full time role in investment banking and would love to get your insights as well as learn about your experiences at XYZ bank. Would you have some time this week to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference.

I feel that the 2nd one is longer and I've been having decent success with the first. Not sure if I should change it up

Comments (13)

Jan 10, 2019

So the second one you are just sending to people that went to your school, correct? If so, I think there might be ways to revise it based on that angle.

Jan 10, 2019

Correct. Also, I was thinking of changing this line "I saw that you are also a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking." to be swapped to something useful for non-alums or delete it. Curious on your thoughts if I can make the 2nd email work for non-alums.

Jan 10, 2019

bump

Jan 10, 2019

You want your email to be as concise as possible. With that being said, all you need is: "My name is XYZ and I am a senior at XYZ University majoring in XYZ. I saw that you are a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking. Would you have some time this week or in the near future to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference."

Jan 11, 2019

I like the part where you include that you are interning and your club experiences, I would say this shorter version with mentions of that is a strong initial email. I did a similar format when recruiting to also highlight one or two relevant accomplishments in the email itself

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Jan 10, 2019

Personally I don't think an intro email needs to include information about internships/extracurriculars. This info can be found in your resume and, imo, makes the email unnecessarily long.

Jan 10, 2019

I have been using the first email template ~200 times but was recommended by an MD level alum to change it to #2 and show more of my accomplishments to make people more interested. I feel #2 is longer but more descriptive which I'm not sure people would take the time to read. I've had decent ~30% success with followups with #1.

Jan 12, 2019

That is a bit too long. You don't need to tell him/her what your school situation is like, because they can ask you that when you talk.

Hello,
My name is [your name] and I'm a business student at UConn Stamford. I wanted to touch base and introduce myself. I'm highly motivated to work in investment banking and I believe I could be a strong addition to the team. I would love to chat about opportunities at [insert the name of the firm] at a time that fits your schedule. Hope to hear soon.
Best,
your name

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