Rate my cold email template (old vs new)

Email 1 (current):

My name is XYZ and I am a senior majoring in XYZ at XYZ University who found your information via Linkedin. I am interested to learn more about investment banking and XYZ bank in particular. Would you have some time this week to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference.

Email 2 (updated):

My name is XYZ and I am a senior majoring in XYZ at XYZ University. I saw that you are also a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking.

I have had leadership roles outside school, relevant coursework, (3.5 GPA should I mention it?) and am currently interning at an investment bank. I am passionate about finding a full time role in investment banking and would love to get your insights as well as learn about your experiences at XYZ bank. Would you have some time this week to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference.

I feel that the 2nd one is longer and I've been having decent success with the first. Not sure if I should change it up

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Comments (13)

Jan 10, 2019

So the second one you are just sending to people that went to your school, correct? If so, I think there might be ways to revise it based on that angle.

Jan 10, 2019

Correct. Also, I was thinking of changing this line "I saw that you are also a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking." to be swapped to something useful for non-alums or delete it. Curious on your thoughts if I can make the 2nd email work for non-alums.

Jan 10, 2019

bump

Jan 10, 2019

You want your email to be as concise as possible. With that being said, all you need is: "My name is XYZ and I am a senior at XYZ University majoring in XYZ. I saw that you are a XYZ university alum and wanted to get your perspectives on breaking into investment banking. Would you have some time this week or in the near future to speak? I would appreciate the chance to learn about your experiences and any advice you could give me. I have attached my resume for reference."

Jan 11, 2019

I like the part where you include that you are interning and your club experiences, I would say this shorter version with mentions of that is a strong initial email. I did a similar format when recruiting to also highlight one or two relevant accomplishments in the email itself

"If you ain't first, you're last!" - GOAT

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Jan 11, 2019

Personally I don't think an intro email needs to include information about internships/extracurriculars. This info can be found in your resume and, imo, makes the email unnecessarily long.

Jan 11, 2019

I feel like one or two impressive unique things in a sentence might be an eye catcher but agree it shouldn't be too long

"If you ain't first, you're last!" - GOAT

Jan 12, 2019

Makes sense. So would you recommend a combination of the two which is maybe 1-2 lines longer than the first email?

Jan 12, 2019

In my opinion, yes but limit the email to 4-5 lines

"If you ain't first, you're last!" - GOAT

Jan 12, 2019

Since my first email is already 4 lines, is there any way to trim it down or is 6 lines OK?

Jan 12, 2019

Sorry meant sentences not lines

  1. Name and school
  2. Interested in IB, and found info on LinkedIn, via connection, etc
  3. Currently have an offer at x, president of x club, interning at x
  4. It would be great to connect and learn more from your experience, is there a time that works well in the near future for a brief phone call?
  5. Looking forward to hearing from you, I have attached my resume for reference.

(3 can be combined with 1)

"If you ain't first, you're last!" - GOAT

Jan 11, 2019

I have been using the first email template ~200 times but was recommended by an MD level alum to change it to #2 and show more of my accomplishments to make people more interested. I feel #2 is longer but more descriptive which I'm not sure people would take the time to read. I've had decent ~30% success with followups with #1.

Jan 12, 2019

GunningForPortfolioManager