Recently came into a dilemma when my fiance's grandmother passed away. Funeral is scheduled for next Monday and we have a term sheet deadline for this Friday. Meaning, I'm going to be bombarded with emails and calls the rest of this week and will be at the office this weekend putting together a summary of what we received to present to the company.
I asked my boss what he thought and he definitely seemed to suggest that I need to be here for Monday because we are going to present to our client.
Of course, my fiance (despite a rather poor relationship with this grandmother - for a variety of reasons) is ticked off that I won't fly back with her...
This is my first year as an associate at this firm, was previously an associate at another.
What would you do? I'm leaning towards staying since it wasn't a real close relative and this is a big deal for us to get pushed out (another cap raise coming in about a year - assuming I'm still here).
Unfortunately, these are the sacrifices you will make being in a profession that requires long hours.
Relationships are extremely difficult when you are working these hours. I can tell you this much: she's thinking if this is a preview of things to come. You're going to be in the dog-house for quite a while buddy.
Yea, that's what I'm thinking. I still feel like I'm making the right move in the grand scheme of things.
You are. And here's my advice: Never take the "well, it wasn't a close relative approach". That never works out.
You always want to turn the negative into a positive. Try a variation of: "Hey hun. I know this means a lot to you. Nothing pains me more than to be without you on this. I love you a lot and everything I do is for us. I promise I'll make it up to you." And then bang the shit out of her and you're out of the real shit house temporarily.
personally i would stay, but i don't really care that much about how other people feel
I would advise you not to fly back with your fiance and be there since your boss strongly implied that you had to be there for the presentation . You won't receive any kudos to be there but it would definitely will be a bad impression if you aren't.
I am in agreement with you. However, this scenario was never about A or B. Clearly, there's only 1 solution unless the OP is thinking about getting out of the field entirely.
It's simply a negotiation and the OP should look at it in terms of that.
Bottom line up front: This is a test of negotiation more than it is a test of absolutes. There are shades of gray.
Well put. Thanks for the help. I know what I have to do and how to approach it.
It sounds like you're going to catch a ton of flak from your fiancée for this, but realistically, the two of you can't expect each other to be able to make every single moment in each other's lives. I think you need to try to communicate that to her respectfully and in a caring manner, saying how much you value her and want to support her, but need her to acknowledge that you need support as well. You're going through the wringer at work, and unfortunately cannot make the trip at the moment. Be kind and considerate and hopefully she will be as well.
Thanks, great insight. Appreciate it.
But... the follow-through is the MOST important part. He has to bang her for good measure. Of course when he does so, he should use phrases such as "make love".
I love you peinvestor2012.
Sounds like a classic ibanking interview question, I'm sure you'll work things out.
I'm definitely asking it next time I have to interview an analyst.
Whether they love you or the dilemma?
I'd press a bit harder on your boss. It's a fucking funeral, and you're probably not even going to speak at the presentation. They can absolutely spare you for 18 hours, speaking from experience. If "My fiance's grandma died and I need to be out for 1 day to go to a funeral" isn't a legit reason to be out of pocket for a bit, what is?
This guy sounds like a huge d-bag. If he's a VP, I might go over his head.
I'm supporting an MD on this (flatter MM group).
That's rough.
I'm going to take a different route on this one than most others. Your fiance's grandmother passed away? Sorry to hear that, but that's not something I would likely travel for even if I didn't have an important meeting to attend. If it was one of her parents or siblings or someone else she was very close with, then absolutely I would go, without hesitation. But, not for someone she's not close with and is out of town.
I had an out of town uncle die last year and my wife didn't go with me to the funeral....it wasn't a big deal, especially since I wasn't real close with him anyway, which sounds similar to your story.
Time to man up now before you are faced with 40 years of unrealistic expectations from your wife or a divorce. My question is: why is your fiancé ticked off at you? Because you don't want to attend a funeral of someone who she's not even close with? That does not compute.
Good luck.
Thanks for the thoughts STL. What you are saying makes perfect sense to me and I feel like she didn't make as much of an effort as she wished she had, so she is taking it out on me, rather than herself.
But, a more accurate answer to your response would be... she's a woman. Who knows why women do or feel what they do or feel? Certainly not this guy. I'm too much of a realist to ever "understand" women and their feelings.
Make sure you go out to the bar also. You basically have the weekend free.
Will do. I'll also attend Happy Hour from 4-6, then come back to the office and do some more work.
This thread took an oddly misogynistic turn. Don't see why it's the fiance's fault.
My advice: if you can't finagle some time off from the boss (I can't tell if you even want to go in the first place), suck up a LOT. Don't frame this as, "You need to stop getting in the way of my career." Then you're just being an asshole. Like, she just wants you to go to a funeral with her. She's not being a bitch. Your boss is.
Agreed. It's hardly misogynistic to suggest that the OP should be able to put in time that is important to his job performance instead of attending a funeral for someone with whom his wife didn't have a significant relationship. A healthy relationship doesn't involve one party guilt-tripping the other.
Your fiance should know the deal on this kind of stuff already. Unless you're going to switch careers soon, you're likely going to miss more (important) shit in the future. Setting expectations now will make the rest of your relationship go much easier.
I'd rather be at work than a funeral anyway...
Your boss sucks; no offense, but no single junior person is so fucking important they need to be at a meeting.
Close family member or not, your boss is being retarded.
Dude is working directly with the MD so I would say he is pretty instrumental. Retarded or not this is life and this is finance, accept it.
Funerals are such a waste. No one in my family has them. You die and show up Fedex'd in a plastic crematory box. Real simple. If my dad died tomorrow he would go from the hospital to the furnace to my parents fireplace shelf. Bing, bang, boom.
Absolutely agree! I have worked for a few years and this sounds ridiculous. It's your call, but I would start to look quietly for a new job with such an insensitive manager. No one is ever that important that you have to be there for a single meeting.
I mean don't get me wrong, I would be bummed if my dad died, but no way he gets a service. He doesn't even want one. I think my grandfather is still in that grey plastic box in my dads closet haha.
I don't know. I grew up in a family where people had to do shit regardless of how things were. My grandfather died in his sleep at the bottom floor of my house. Dad found him, called the ambulance and then went to work. He came back in the Fedex box like a week later. Food doesn't get put on the table by magic.
I'm in a much better spot than he was and speaking at his funeral was highly cathartic. He was the man. Seeing someone you love deteriorate from virtually perfectly healthy one day, to slightly weaker three months later, to incoherent with cancer in the brain three weeks later, and then dead one week later is more mind boggling than I could have imagined.
You're not going to wake up from a death like that and want to get back to work the next morning. If you absolutely have to, you will. If you are on a salary or have any economic freedom, you won't be thinking about work at all. I know I wasn't giving the slighttest fuck about work when this was going down. I hope you don't have to go through anything like this anytime soon.
Wow...we have portraits of my family going all the way back to the late 1700's when they came to this country. A very strong family tie is pretty prevalent throughout my family. If my granddad died I would be taking off a week, no questions asked. If I was going to get fired, I'd still take at least 4 days. I remember when my great-granddad died when I was a teenager, I took like almost 2 weeks off from high school.
Pretty ironic a conservative guy like yourself has such a bizzare view on death of family (the real important unit in society, aka not your 'neighbor' or community or whatever), no offense.
I told her that I cannot go. She's pissed b/c "I'm not supporting her" and thinks it looks bad in front of her family, which I agree with. But, work is work and this deal is one has to get done.
Hopefully she doesn't hold a grudge for too long.
What's kind of funny is that when you have kids in ~5 years, you will likely be supporting her with this job (or another job that this one leads to). Also, you know what looks really bad to your in-laws: being unemployed.
Did you bang her as instructed?
Got shot down last night. Will keep you posted haha.
She's mad because you're not making the effort to get the time off. If you made the gesture and she was aware of your presentation she would probably let you stay AND not be mad at you. This is also probably a symptom of the larger issue that you're never home and work every weekend and every night etc. etc. She's thinking if you won't take time off to go to a funeral, what will it take to get you to show up?
Also make sure you send flowers.
Good luck sir.
I like the first two sentences - from what I gather about marriage from my recently married friends, it's less about winning and more about appeasing.
When I was born, my father dropped my mother at the hospital and left for work.
He had to make a choice, witness the birth of his son or work. He chose work. When I asked him why he made that choice, he gave me TNA's answer: ''Someone has to put food on the table''.
I agree with your decision not to attend the funeral, but in the future, I wouldn't "ask what the MD thinks", because at the end, if you decide to do the opposite of what he thinks, you'll look like a jackass. For example, imagine the followup conversation you would've had if you had decided to go anyway.
I would take the time to think through your decision (or ask WSO...) and then be assertive in telling your MD "I know this meeting is important, but I'm going to have to take Monday off because I need to attend a funeral."
Some people may disagree with this, but that will set the tone for the rest of your time at the firm. As long as you're not always finding reasons to skip out on work.
Just my two cents. Doesn't work for everyone.
To be honest I find girls struggle to be objective and conceptualising short term loss / long term gain.
Maybe it's just the girls I have been dating...
I would stay and go to work. If it was her parents or siblings then I would consider going with her (if she's THE ONE) but its not so do what you've got to do.
Good stuff guys. Keep it coming. I enjoy the perspective differences.
Girl's perspective - I doubt she wants you to go for moral support. It's more likely she is obliged to go and it's an obviously uncomfortable situation, which as a girl we don't like to go through alone (meaning we like to drag along our friends/significant others/etc). It's just hard to see it as that because it's a funeral and not like a family reunion or some other uncomfortable and boring obligatory event. So it's easier for her to play the moral card on you. I mean, I would do it too. In reality she's being selfish, so don't feel bad. Tell her how important this meeting is, and explain the sacrifices of the job to her, then ask her if it reeeeeallyyy means that much to her. She will likely say no.
Am I the only one who sees this things a little differently? I just think some things in life transcend a career, and going to a relative's funeral is one of them. I don't care what opportunity is present, i don;t care what my boss says, if a close relative that I love dies, I would go to the funeral and pay my respects in a heartbeat. These are just my priorities - it is not about what the fiance thinks although that is also important, but what I think, what I believe is worth the sacrifice. I just cannot justify missing a funeral of a loved one to sit and make pitch books. Fuck this shit - you only get one life, live it the right way. I understand that sometimes you have to sacrifice things for a great career, but when it destroys familial relationships it is too far. I'm saying this with the extremely close bonds I share with my family; these are my priorities, and this is just my opinion.
It isn't the OPs grandmother, it's his fiance's grandmother. I wouldn't go to the funeral, especially since your fiance (and I assume you by extension) were not close. I would go to my grandmother's funeral.
That was my thought as well.
I strongly advice you to go to the funeral. I once was in the same situation, and chose work. One of the few regrets I have.
In 3 months, this won't even bother you or her.
Because they broke off their engagement?
Bury present issues and hope they go away. Looks like the telltale sign of a good marriage.
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