Early Career Disillusionment - Where has my drive gone?
I'm an IB analyst and have been since 2020 began, but my first full-time job was at an RE brokerage. I wanted to be in IB as an undergrad but, coming from a non-target and having experienced some bad luck in the recruiting process, I wasn't able to land a position. So, I took what I could get and, by all means, a brokerage analyst position was not a bad place to start. After working hard in that job for 6 or so months and finally feeling a sense of security and camaraderie with my coworkers, I was abruptly let go without a warning or any other indication that I wasn't performing well. This was a big blow to my perception of myself, as I have always considered myself a hard worker and a smart worker, and never thought I would be out of a job unless it was by choice. It also completely changed how I view the corporate world. I felt truly betrayed after committing myself to that role and working more hours than I had to work. I had even begun to think of staying in RE for the longer term as I began to gain a greater interest in the industry and the opportunities available in that sector. The bitterness of that experience has waned, but still stays with me in some sense.
I immediately reached out to my network and began to aim for IB again and, lo and behold, I was able to get an offer this time. I started my new IB job as 2020 began and we all know how this year is going. As COVID spread, I witnessed many of my friends working both in IB and in other financial services get put on furlough for months; one was even laid off. My own professional development stagnated for a few months as deal flow screeched to a near-halt.
With my newfound downtime I began to reflect on my experiences so far and found that I am increasingly distrusting of employers and not as eager to impress my superiors as I used to be. I always have the fear of being fired in the back of my mind now, and this was true even before quarantine began. I distinctly remember hearing my name mentioned in a conversation between two MDs just after my first month in my new IB role, and thinking that I was probably going to be fired soon...
Anyway, I also used my free time to explore a few personal pursuits and potential entrepreneurial opportunities, and realized that I was happiest when thinking critically about how I can make money for myself and thinking about ways to grow my own business. Since then, deal flow has returned and I now find myself in a weird "lazy workaholic" state. When I have no work to do, I'm frustrated that my career development is slowing. As soon as I receive a task to do, I find myself wanting to procrastinate because it's boring to me.
My question to all of you is: are you familiar with these feelings? Do they pass? How can I get my drive back? Have I been permanently disillusioned? I don't have the capital, network, or risk appetite to jump onto my entrepreneurial ideas just yet. I want to stick with this path for a while and I don't think that switching to a non-IB finance role is the solution to this problem.
Thanks!