Staffer to Analyst Translation Handbook

I put this together for all you Class of '07 monkeys to help you with your transition. Enjoy.

Recruitment

Work-life balance
Work-drinking balance

Work hard, play hard
Work hard, drink a lot

We have a collegial environment.
We go out drinking every night together.

We like to have our own social lives.
We go out drinking every night alone.

We have a more mature environment.
We drink at work instead.

This is a lifestyle group.
We are desperate for analysts.

This is a laid-back group.
We are desperate for analysts.

We don't believe in face time.
We are desperate for analysts.

Our associates and analysts go out together frequently.
Our associates are very lonely people.

Our MD goes out with us frequently.
Our MD is having a mid-life crisis.

Our MD is very hip.
Our MD should be in rehab.

Our MD is taking a sabbatical.
Our MD is in rehab.

Our MD is a real trip to work with.
Our MD alternates between being very hip and taking a sabbatical.

We're at the top of the league tables…
… because we have analysts like you to massage them.

We do all our own M&A…
… and would you also believe that we don't work weekends?

Staffing

Please let me have an idea of your bandwidth over the next few days.
Bend over… here it comes.

Ted is a little slammed right now on something else. Can you take over his project just for the afternoon?
Ted is a little slammed right now on something else. Can you work on Ted's project just for the next two weeks?

I know it's Friday night and you've been pulling a lot of all-nighters this week, but an emergency just came up and…
God, I love this job.

Special Requests

You'll have to talk about taking that day off with your teams.
I'm not going to bat for you on this.

You'll have to negotiate these deadlines with your teams.
I'm not going to bat for you on this.

If you're sick you'll have to work it out with your teams.
Suck it up, kid. I'm not going to bat for you on this.

Oh god, I'm very sorry your mom died. Why don't you talk to your teams?
Wow, tough shit. I'm not going to bat for you on this.

Review time!

We need to see some more commitment.
You actually BELIEVED what I said in the beginning about this group not putting in face time?

We need to see you paying a lot more attention to detail.
I couldn't figure out anything serious to ding you on, but I can't let you think you're actually doing well or else we'll have to pay you top bucket.

We don't want you to see any unpleasant surprises when bonus season rolls around.
I want you to be very afraid of unpleasant surprises when bonus season rolls around.

August

Sure, I'll look into that for you.
Do not bother me when I'm in the Hamptons.

You're actually not the only analyst in the group that's triple-staffed right now.
Do not bother me when I'm in the Hamptons.

I know you're feeling a little overstaffed. Let's meet up and chat next week.
Do not bother me when I'm in the Hamptons.

Hello, you've reached the voice mailbox of…
I don't even want to think about it until I'm back from the Hamptons.

Negotiations

Yes.
Maybe.

No.
Maybe.

It is what it is.
This topic is closed.

We'll see.
This is your one and only warning to stop asking questions.

I don't remember saying that.
Attention to detail is critical for analysts, not staffers.

Hello, you've reached the voice mailbox of…
Responsiveness is critical for analysts, not staffers.