Ten and a Half Tips for Visiting Dublin

Many of us might have an opportunity to pop over to Dublin someday. So I have complied a list for the you can do and can hack it types. Be warned: this list is graphic and may dispel any myths about Ireland you would have learned had you gone to Notre Dame.

Tip One:

When the first time you see a set of girls who are getting out of a cab and forget everything in it except for a half-drunk vodka bottle, then perhaps that tells you something about their national character at night in one image you can keep for the whole night.

Tip Two:

There are two or three night clubs but the best one by far is ‘Coppers’.

Tip Three:

When at a pub before going to the club, which is normal practice there, please refrain from speaking in the first-person when talking about a specific alcohol, i.e. refer to all Jameson whiskey in the plural and in the feminine form (like French)… such as ‘she is a full body single-malt’ says one, ‘not too sweet and smoky?’, ‘aye’ says the other.

Tip Four:

Remember your national stereotype: if you’re American then the general perception is most of them are very lame tourists who might go to the museums, or commit the worse crime imaginable, actually talk about it while on a trip. Bankers, however, have nothing on this. Like low yielding French bonds, the so-called dypyt, the typical touist is like the asset’s homophone in the similar sounding Yiddish word, drek. Because, above all, no one cares about your ‘Irish anecstry’; they’re wondering what what’s in your wallet and around it.

Tip Five: Now onto the more important elements of this incredibly intellectual post: if a lass comes up to you and says ‘how are you?’ and you reply ‘oh I’m here from xxx city’ and she goes on to describe how she works for A.I.B. (Anglo-Irish Bank); back away and run. She’s trying to prove something that most, men in the club, by very definition would not want them to have, i.e. a sense of pride. Are you willing to go broke before she’ll fold down in flames while on you? I’m certainly not.

Tip Six:

Also, very important, any girl who says she’s from Dublin must be met like a list of high P/E, poor dividend stocks. More to the point, like having a lot of cash on the books (cash is trash the Fixed-income types) some of them might simply not worth it as Dublin girls have a reputation for being raging borewhores; ‘I’m from Dublin’ she says, ‘really…’ you should reply in a squeamish voice.

Tip Six and a Half: However – and this is very important -- girls from Gallway and Cork are certainly a tier above them. Just like the adverts for Duracel: ‘always engerized and ready to go’ -- yep. They’re close enough to Dublin so they can go every weekend, but they’re far enough away so that whatever that happens in Dublin, stays in Dublin.

Tip Seven:

Unlike Scottish and Swedish girls, and scarecrows, who generally stick to their small band of clique like a bad case of bankers prosing about over with Heinekens at Turtle Bay bar (987 2nd Avenue, Midtown for the disaffected or unacquainted); they’ll stick to their boyfriends and friends. However, Irish birds are slightly more aggressive.

Tip Eight:

In fact, don’t be surprised when ten minutes into you and her being together for an intimidate drink in the corner of a very dark part of the bar are felt up by a female friend of her hers who will begin screaming ‘nooo!’… a very loud but durably irritating inebriated voice ‘… she doesn’t want this’, so you can then shove her off and find, ten minutes later, as her courageous Irish knight of a five-foot six boyfriend stands behind you and asks politely if he can have her back.

Tip Eight:

A night is a night out in Dublin and for the Irish – which means it’s a full night out. Club night lasts until past four in the morning and the police (Garda) are literally everywhere. But if you are American (like the author) then you're not just a visitor and probably a relative and you can get away with quite a lot. However if you are Eastern European and you happen to expose oneself by relieving it on the street (unlike he author) you will be arrested for apparently causing a scene – which I had the honor of in fact seeing twice, in fact.

Tip Nine:

In conclusion, going to a club like Coppers spells trouble, but like volatility and general financial mayhem, it is good for us and bad for them. And just like their immigration policy, there’s always one itching to go to the nearest place for a free drink. Note though: a vodka and coke is 8 euro. But like a doctor, or the ECB for that matter, where everyone is willing to tell someone else of their financial problems, there seems to be a like in very different area -- because oddly enough they’re equally unavailable to talk about what’s happening beneath their balance sheets -- in venereal terms only.

Tip Ten: Good luck hunting.