As my username suggests, not sure what to do...
First year PE associate...rolled into PE without much of a break once I got done with my third year in banking. As my username suggests, I am fully burned out, and was fully burned out during my last 8-10 months of banking (though to be fair, I think everyone gets there toward the end).
PE paperwork signing occurs so early that you don't fully have an appreciation for a) what you're currently doing to your body and mind by working 90+ hours a week and b) what ramifications on your body and mind starting another 2 year 80+ hour / week grind will have. When I got my PE offer I thought I was surely going to a far better, more reasonable place - and I thought I was going "all the way" in high finance.
Add another year of banking on top of that and my perspective changed entirely. Don't care about money at all, I save it all because I know that I need to bring my lifestyle back to earth so I don't get sucked into finance long-term. If I could trade it all for $70K working 45 hours a week and when I go home, I don't have to think about work - done.
I get, truly, super depressed when I see people in the world enjoying their lives with dogs and significant others, while I am constantly stressed out and on edge even when I'm not at work. I've been a pretty crappy friend, difficult to my parents because of my incessant complaining about my unhappiness, and generally have become very short with people because I have so little time to myself. And don't get me started on the relationship front. I thought PE was this magical place where all of this would go away, which obviously is not, and almost by definition cannot, be the case.
Working just as hard in PE as in banking, but while the work is more interesting, the volume is unbelievable - in banking you could realistically spend 6 of your 16 hours per day browsing the internet...in PE I still work 14-16 hours a day but I have to be fully engaged and get almost no downtime during the day. It's absolutely exhausting.
Anyway, you get the picture - I'm depressed and I'm down for the count. I've realized I have to get out of finance before it finishes me off, and banking already was a harrowing test for my mental and physical well being (I stress mental because that stuff is real, and I've had a lot of anxiety / obsessive-compulsive issues throughout the years, exacerbated by stress). Now I'm just running on fumes, literally taking it day by day because I'm so beat that the prospect of this being a two-year thing is probably scary enough to cause me to have a brain aneurysm.
WSO - what can I do? And let this be a lesson to you all: a) finance isn't for everyone, b) it doesn't really ever get easier and you can't fake your way into having the personality and intensity level to make it in finance...if you don't have it, you'll never have it. Accept it and move on. I'm learning the hard way that I don't have it. And it's not fun.
Also, if your advice is "this is the opportunity of a lifetime omg man suck it up", save it, because you're probably 17 and think anyone in banking or PE is a demi-god. Until you've tried these things, best to not opine. Few - VERY few - people in finance are happy, and the reasons for it become painfully evident very quickly.
The corp dev, public investing, etc options are all good but just to throw something else out there: do something you like, not just something that's been expected of you or is the normal route. What are (or were before you worked 80+ hours/week) your interests and hobbies? Figure that out and go get a job in that field, even if it's not in a "prestigious" field or company. Are you an outdoors camping type of person? Find an outdoors company, maybe an REI or a much smaller no-name company. Do you like boating or sailing? Find a boat manufacturer and move to the ocean. Like craft beer? You get the idea. And it doesn't even have to be a cool field-do you think you'd really like precision manufacturing or something that most people would consider boring? There's the startup route but don't necessarily think that grass is greener.
And figure out what role you'd want in a company. There's business life beyond finance and you're young enough and your background would probably let you get into most facets of an organization so maybe you figure out you'd like ops or sales. Position yourself for that and go for it. Figure out if you'd be happier not in NYC (or SF or wherever you are). Same thing-are you a rural mountain person, or someone who loves the ocean, or would like a small to medium sized town? Go there.
True, you probably won't get back into finance because you'd be jumping off that train but it seems pretty clear you've discovered that's not for you and never will be and that's ok. Like you stated, it's not for everyone and I know plenty of people outside of finance who make good money and are happy doing it, and if you leave the high cost of living NYC's and SF's, you don't need as much money to live normally. I wouldn't worry about burning bridges because first, you don't want to be in PE or IB, and second you only really burn bridges if you're leaving for a competitor. If you tell the guys you work for that this is just not for you and you decided that working in ______ was a much better fit for you there's a good chance they'll understand and be ok with it.
Life's too short to be stuck in something you don't like. While the "if you love what you do you'll never work a day in your life" is over the top and a bit of bullshit (I've always liked what I do, but it's still work-loving what I'm doing would be sitting on a beach, surfing and having a busty blond bring me beers and cheeseburgers and fellating me at regular intervals), at least don't greatly dislike what you're doing. Don't just follow the normal path because you did well enough in high school to get into a top college that allowed you to get into IB, then PE and so on simply because that's what you're supposed to do. Figure out what will make you happy with no regard to what you're supposed to do or others expect that you should do and follow it.
I gave +1s both to the original post and Dingdong's reply.
First off, breathe. Let's look at the upside.
You are alive; even though you feel like happiness, sanity, and control are all slipping away from you, you have the privilege of drawing breath every second anew. You are self-aware; you're able to assess yourself honestly, realizing that you haven't treated your family as well as you believe you ought to nor have you been the friend you know the people you care about deserve. You know that you're living in a way that isn't healthy for you; you're able to point out some major things that matter to you (romance and companionship, close friendships, family time, exercise) and the absence of which make you unhappy.
Those are all great things. Being alive, self-aware, and astute about your environment are fantastic. The next step is to figure out what the best action to take is.
This is corny, but put some great music on while we figure out the smartest next steps. I don't know if you like dance music (I hate the term 'EDM' and the crap it signifies), but since I'm in such a giving mood at the moment, if you're into tropical house at all, put on this playlist my friend made: https://soundcloud.com/kyle-hon/sets/tropical-house Turn on the 98th song, take a series of proper deep breaths (4 seconds in through the nose, 8 seconds out through the mouth), and realize that you are entirely in control of your own life.
Now, it's clear you need to move. I'm with Dingdong; it doesn't make sense to slog through another two-year program that's going to make you fatter, more stressed, and less of the person you want to be towards loved ones. Worst, it will kill you slowly. Not only figuratively (by tightening the golden handcuffs, as you astutely pointed out and are smart to curtail your lifestyle to avoid) but literally. Thanks to science we know that elevated cortisol levels from chronic stress interfere with learning and memory, lower immune function and bone density, and increase weight gain / blood pressure / cholesterol / heart disease ... no joke at all.
Take a piece of paper and divide it vertically down the middle. On the left, write down all the cool things you thought you'd do when you were a kid. Astronaut, firefighter, mountain climber, motorcycle racer, cowboy, all of them. On the right hand side, write all the traits and skills you know you'd like to develop as a person. A spirit of adventure, being well-traveled, polylingual, visibly jacked, etc.
Now draw out the commonalities. What are the industries or businesses you can work in related to your childhood (or current) dream jobs? Astronaut? SpaceX is hiring. So is Blue Origin. Hell, even Robert Bigelow is in the mix now too (read the Bloomberg article from 2013 or so). Mountain climber? What high adventure businesses are there?
You don't even have to go completely off the ranch and move into a blue collar position. There are managerial and financial positions in each of those businesses. There are family offices who own those businesses. All of them would salivate over someone with your profile and experience. High-GPA, prominent undergrad, investment bankers turned private equity investors aren't climbing out of the woodwork looking for roles like that.
That ties into the very first thought I had. Have you considered moving to a family office? I have a number of friends in the space - the jobs are the cushiest I can think of. I know more than one guy pulling in comp better than our friends at PE MFs. One I'm thinking of right now also has access to the coolest stuff: a G550 available essentially at his discretion, a wide-open mandate (grow the businesses in the portfolio, find promising new ones to consider as an addition), and a schedule entirely at his control. I know because we ran into each other randomly my last time in London and he offered me a ride home. I played along thinking it was a joke, but we legitimately took a car to Farnborough, got on the plane, and flew to Teterboro. (Commercial is ruined for me now, incidentally.)
Granted, not all family offices are for a Forbes 400 family and you won't have obscene resources like that, but the point is that they are low-stress positions that offer the dream combination of good pay, intellectually stimulating work, and light hours.
You could start figuring out from your LinkedIn who may be in that world and start initiating some conversations. A longer-term path would be to get an MBA and spend the 6 months prior to matriculating and your entire time there leveraging the alumni network to find such a position. For best success it needs to be either an HSW school or one in a family-office rich environment (McCombs, for instance, both for the collection of oil wealth and the benefactor for whom the very school is named after; Stern is by no means the best MBA program, but it has one of the three best 'family office councils' around).
Again, I agree with Dingdong that it makes no sense to stick somewhere you are so unhappy. Depending on what you choose to do (off the beaten path vs. an easier role in finance), exiting early would not irrevocably harm your reputation. Remember that the firm would have absolutely zero qualms firing you unexpectedly if some drastic circumstance came up on their end.
In short, you have a lot of control over your life. You can walk out whenever you choose to. Until you do, make sure you take time to breathe, start a habit of exercising regularly, and keep your mind positive. I can't stress the exercise enough: moving heavy metal around will boost your energy levels, combat your depression, sharpen your mental quickness, and reverse the physical decay you've been suffering. That's well worth one hour less of sleep 4x a week (only 2 of which would ostensibly be weekdays).
Your life is yours, brother. Live it.
OP, I'm in a similar position and have decided to take the B-School route for the following reasons:
1) The idea of having a two-year hiatus is appealing.
The burnout from 5 years of PE and Banking is common and I have found many of my peers have felt the same. Much of the Associate work is "blocking and tackling" and I spend a fair amount of my time coordinating calls with various constituents e.g., lenders, lawyers, etc. If you think of the number of Associates at a fund and the number of investments most funds make, maybe you will close one deal during a two year stint. It's easy to become disenfranchised, but unfortunately, PE is a long-term game. As a result, most of my peers have moved to hedge funds to gain exposure and to make investment decisions with shorter time horizons.
2) It provides an opportunity to find out what you want to do long-term.
Investment Banking and PE operate within a vacuum and there is rarely ever thought given to alternative paths. We went through college with the idea that Investment Banking was the "coup de gras" and some of the the brightest students pursued that path. Times have changed and Silicon Valley and the start-up community offers a similar dynamic, but with different and rewarding opportunities. It's easy to question our decisions in retrospect, but in our mid to late 20s, Business School provides an opportunity for us to take a step back and re-direct our careers in the long-term.
Furthermore, I have seen many former colleagues get burned out and jump at the first buy-side opportunity instead of holding out for the best opportunity. In the long-run, it's wise to think out the decision instead of making a quick reaction to a bad situation. I think you are approaching this decision in the appropriate manner.
3) Costs are not as extreme as you think.
If you have already decided that this path is not for you, then the opportunity costs are not as extreme. I assume I will die with more than $300k in the bank; yes, you can always take the full opportunity cost and invest it at x% in the market to come up with a very high number, but at the end of the day we live in the moment.
At the end of the day, I have heard that most pre-MBA Associates go back into PE or HFs because the comp is greatest and after paying for the degree, most people want to pay it down as fast as possible.
4) It's one of the last opportunities to be selfish.
I'm sure I could have phrased that better, but coming out of business school, the next step in most of our lives is to settle down and start a family. Once you are in that position, it's much riskier to take a gamble or to invest in yourself. We have all invested an exorbitant amount of time on calls, making models and performing complex analysis that eventually had no pay-off. We have all spent thousands of hours performing work for someone else and I view business school as an opportunity to focus on what you want to work on.
5) I eventually want to be my own boss.
Sure, I've had great exposure to portfolio company operations: SIOP plans, negotiating credit agreements, facility leases, CRM platform structures, you name it, but at the end of the day I have not learned enough to be a stand-alone or manage the various aspects of a company as a C-level executive. I'm sure the reality is that business school will not completely bridge that gap, but I'm sure I will continue to learn. As I've said, our entire lives we have been working for someone; I don't want that to be for forever.
It seems like we took a similar route and appreciate your honest introspection. I did 3 years in banking, and now a year into a MM PE job. Aside from the similarities in the work and the general intensity - albeit less hours as you mentioned - I can't ignore the same general look of tiredness of the VP's and MD's. Buyouts are no joke, and am realizing that the stress only increases as you become more senior due to all the processes you have to manage; yes, you're not doing the grunt work anymore, but it's high stakes. Miss a deadline or screw up one of the 10+ different workstreams in each of your 3 active deals? Prepare to be canned. Different stress, but likely even more intense, I think.
I can relate to you so much on the toll of our careers, and from what you mention, it seems relationships and a healthy social life, over prestige/money, are important to you. When I look back at my regrets I feel similarly. I've screwed up many relationships, have few close friends outside of the typical weekend/party contacts, when I'm with those few close friends I'm not pleasant to be around and they constantly remark how tired and unhappy I look (no surprise they want to hang out with me less and less). The built up anxiety from the 3 years of constantly being on call and hating the work seems to have carried over to almost every aspect of my life, the most damaging of which being my newfound horrible temper and short fuse. TBH I still have no idea how to fix all this, and wish there's someone I could talk to honestly about stuff like this, instead of hanging out with so called friends in a subtle dick measuring scheme every weekend. I don't feel as bad as I did my last year in M&A when the knot in my stomach wouldn't go away, when I'd walk around aimlessly through the city with a mix of blank stare and envy at seemingly happy people, when the very ground you walked on felt so foreign and not secure...but the slight hints of anxiety and unhappiness are still there.
I don't mean to come across so melodramatic but I think these were all signs that I wasn't in the right line of work for my personality and passions. I still don't know what either of those really are, and know deep down I'm still not in the right field, but as one post mentioned I try to be cognizant of the various interest/hobbies that inundate my mind throughout the day, and hopefully the recognition of your own disenchantment is a sign that we're getting closer...wherever the end is. I'm pretty new to this board as well but feel free to message me if you ever want to talk or bounce ideas. If you ignore the main page and all the recruiting stuff, I think there are some like-minded people here.
Well the honest answer is it really depends - I've seen both ends of the spectrum for this. I've seen juniors who are really good at what they do and have a sense of pride and accomplishment in their work. On the other hand, I've seen analysts who look as if they get beaten down every single day and the look of dread on their face is apparent to all.
I'd say I feel like I relate more to the former. That is not to say that I think IBD work is the be all and end all - I am acutely aware of all the limitations of what the job entails but also at the same time, appreciate the exposure and learning experience that accompanies it. I'm at a point in my career that I am relatively efficient at what is expected of me so I generally don't hate my life. I spend my downtime pursuing things I enjoy and also recently have started asking myself what I would genuinely want to do in the long-term - no answers yet but like the many posters said above, being aware is always the first step. One thing I can say for sure is this - if this job gives you nothing else, it leaves you with plenty of options on what you can do next.
It's really all about perspectives and your intrinsic motivations. The juniors that tend to suffer the most and look the most depressed tend to value the dollar returns associated with this job while the ones that cope better priortise other things - learning, relationships, industry perspective etc. It's really how you see things.
I'll end with quote that I love and tell myself from time to time - "Remember when you wished for everything you have now".