Critique my cold mail

vjunior60's picture
Rank: Baboon | banana points 153

I decided to change my cold email template for networking to generate more responses and was hoping that someone could critique my cold mail. I have searched the forums and taken a bit here and there from a lot of the useful threads that I found.

"Dear,
My name is xxxxxx, I'm a student at xxxxxx University, majoring in finance. I am interested in learning more about investment banking and xxxxxxxxx in particular. I understand the uphill challenge that I'm facing coming from a non-target school, which has propelled me to work hard daily by educating myself through books, guides, and courses. I would like to learn more about your experience in the industry and listen to any advice that you could give me. Please let me know when/how best to reach you. It wont take any more than 15 minutes. Thanks.
Best,
xxxxxxxxxxxxx"

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Comments (10)

Jul 4, 2018

I would change your last three sentences to read more like this:

I am eager to learn about your experiences in the industry, and would enjoy the opportunity to listen to any advice you would care to offer. If you wouldn't mind, please let me know the best way to reach you in the future, should you have the time or interest to respond.

Thank you for your time,
xxxxx

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Jul 4, 2018

My Edits:

Hello [first name],

My name is [first name last name] and I'm a [class year] at [school] majoring in finance. I am interested in learning more about the different roles in investment banking and about your time working in the [insert group name] group at [insert firm name].

I understand the uphill challenge that I'm facing coming from a non-target school, but I am confident in my passion for the industry and am ready to work hard to level the playing field. If you have the time, I would love to learn more about your experience and listen to any advice that you might have for me. Any response is greatly appreciated.

Best,
XXX

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Jul 5, 2018

I wouldn't respond to anyone that emailed me with "hey"

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Jul 5, 2018

Agree on taking out the "hey" but I like the wording change from propelled to confident. This is a good email

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Jul 5, 2018

Thanks everyone!

Jul 5, 2018

Should I mention this "I found your profile on LinkedIn and saw you work for xx company." I found it on another thread commented by a reputable member of this forum. Not trying to make my email too long and not too sure If I need that sentence or not.

Most Helpful
Jul 5, 2018
  • Get rid of "Dear" and add "Hi" or "Hello"
  • Personally, I think adding the uphill challenge description is unneeded and it sort of adds an inferiority complex to your profile
  • Again, there seems to this defensive inferiority complex when you add descriptors such as "It won't take more than 15 minutes." It almost seems like you're implying that this phone call is a burden

I'd send something like this:

Hello ____,

My name is ______ and I am a current student at ______. I noticed your profile through ______ and thought that I'd reach out. I've always been interested in investment banking through _______ and would greatly appreciate learning more about your background briefly over the phone. Let me know what works for you so we can connect.

Best,

Jul 5, 2018

Does it matter that Im targeting alumni from my school (non target) and hoping to make a connection by mentioning the uphill challenge? I do agree that it adds inferiority, but was hoping it will add a connection.

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Jul 5, 2018

No. You'd rather sell the alumni on the competence and intelligence that you gained from going to your school rather than the fact that no one from your school is in banking. You want to come off as someone who is genuinely interested in the career and confident enough to be good at it, no matter where you went to school.

Jul 5, 2018
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