Having a Life vs. Career - Thoughts on the 'Work-Life' Balance

Preface: Forgot to mention... This was a couple of girlfriends ago. Remind me to never date another Eastern European lady... Thanks all for the feedback. Not sure why I had a relapse today. Hump day strangeness.

TLDR, Some girls are truly not worth it and toxic debt, sell order. Weigh all risks and options carefully and fellow Apes stay strong out there!

Story goes:
I come home from work after having made some progress and starting to gain traction in learning my new job with a sense of accomplishment, walk thru the garage door and the laundry room, and I'm greeted by my girlfriend. With a smile on my face, I tell her about the cool things I did today and writing ideas I have for articles I am working on. She smiles, gives me a hug and we goof around opening items that came from my Amazon.com order. All is well, life is good. Or this is what I thought anyways until I returned from writing.

As I prepared dinner, I noticed the mood turn from bad to worse. Reading the situation, I had to ask a qualifying question to break the ice. She tells me that we need to talk about "something" and I ask to determine the gravity of the situation by saying, "Is it good, bad, or ugly?" She said it was 'neutral' which is almost always a bad thing, shit... Okay. We sit down to eat and she gets on my case for two things:

I suck at:

  1. I have a terrible sense of time and don't really manage it well.

  2. I obsess over my AM and PM work. AM job is in Sales and PM job includes writing for various outlets and also doing other things.

She's a programmer trying to land a gig in California. I told her that me being better at me will allow me to go westward but she said that if I do it is more for my career development than relationship development. She told me to take it easy because I am working lots and don't really have a life. She told me to strive for a work-life balance. I told her this in response:


"Fuck work-life balance. Most people who haven't made anything of themselves in life hide behind the veil of that shit as a convenient excuse to be haters of those who actually are doing something. Work yields results and life, however much life you have and what you consider 'life', is simply non-constructive waste of time. Everyone wants to be Mike but Mike doesn't want to be anybody else but Mike."

Obviously, after having given such a fine speech, impromptu by the way, with so much enthusiasm and clarity, she felt inspired enough to forward me a recorded copy of it as she had been recording our argument on her iPhone this ENTIRE TIME! What the fuck...

She took the liberty of sleeping in the guest room and left me alone in the Master bedroom and mentioned three possible outcomes for us with two of them ending in us breaking up. Interesting...

Here's my analysis:

She's okay with obsessing over her career that it makes her blind to whatever she has to do at the cost of her "work-life" balance and our relationship. When I do the same thing, it is unacceptable.

She has this habit of keeping in touch with all her ex-bfs that she's dated in the past year and is very proud of the fact that she went thru 20-30 guys in a year. So proud in fact that when we were supposed to be watching a movie in the jacuzzi she thought it more important to bring her phone and FB msg her exbf five removed the entire time. I finally confronted her about this shit yesterday and she conveniently "forgot" about the situation and told me she couldn't for the faintest idea understand why I would be upset. Lol, really brah? Your new guy is trying to politely ask you for your time of day and you want to laugh and smile while a movie is running in the background as you furiously FB msg your exbf that you dated once or twice but things didn't work out so now he became an accessory friend or a pseudo emotional outlet when convenient to supplement the current boyfriend. Right...

Her 'network of connections' after having 20-30 boyfriends in a year is broad so she can, if she maintains her relationship, use them as a gateway to her ex-bf's friends. I felt I got used as a hedge against her other long positions that she spread all over the place (pun intended) doesn't work out. I, however, have been 100% with her from day one never thinking for once she's just another girl but my girl. She insists my motivations for every move is strategic for my career and yet if I behave like the way she wants me to, she wouldn't care to date me as she has "high standards."

This is the ultimate chicken and the egg dilemma. You work your ass off to prove to yourself that you are somebody, and then the girl thinks she is a no body to you yet she wants to date only someone who is somebody. This someone who is somebody won't have the time of day for her either. When she figures out what she really wants in actuality, she is looking at one tier above a 9-5 who has less ambition and drive as compared to being somebody. She really wants a no body. Yet she has dated no bodies before, hates it, and that's why she wants to find somebody.

Obviously, above situation puts anyone in an infinite loop until they either meter their expectations or stay single for life having set standards that are unattainable because they are intrinsically flawed. You can't find somebody when you aren't a somebody, doesn't understand what it takes to be a somebody, and can't appreciate the sacrifice made by the somebody's in this world to get to where we are today.

What my friend and mentor said to me after hearing my story:

"lol. dude, get out of the relationship"

"how you are still letting her weigh you down is not something i can comprehend."

"you should write me at the end of this week to let me know she is gone. otherwise, you're the chump for putting up with it."

"love will find you, dont you worry sunshine. love always finds a way. ha ha ha."

And he finishes with:
"dump the girl. you can get a hotter chick when you are rich."

WSO vote:

  1. Dump the girl
  2. Keep her and strive for a work-life balance

Thoughts?

 

Seems to be a lot of red flags here. But you know the girl better than the rest of us, so you have to decide whether you can trust her speaking to exes and having hedges against your relationship.

My vote would be do not let her or anyone else distract you from your goals. Your relationships should be there to support you not hinder you. It does not mean you have to end things, however if your lifestyle makes the pair of you incompatible then how can you be the best version of yourself.

 

I'm all about:

'Conan the Barbarian':
To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women

And she is about turning me into a little puppy dog. There are girls out there that will support me and won't bring me down with this kind of nonsense.

Long distance starts in a week or so if I don't ditch her now and she can be doing all sorts of things and having almost no guilty conscience, she will do it with no regrets and not feel a thing.

Not to go into details, of the things I heard her do in the past, while forgiveable, is absolutely dangerous to her health and well-being and justified by "because I was exploring new horizons." Negative points on the wifey material front. At least she tested clean thank goodness.

 

She may be fun but she's damaged goods. Find a supportive girl who's actually wife material ie has way less former partners(gonna be tough in NYC but maybe you could look elsewhere(midwest, South America, Eastern Europe, Asia if you're into Asian girls), understands that your career development is key to your(you and her) future success, and is willing give you full attention and stay doting in the short amount of time that you spend with each other.

 

Right on brother. Here is my goofy ass with WSO style Monkey socks on!

You are always sold a dream until you wake up to reality. Now I just assume all dreams are nightmares and I can't wait to get back to reality which is why I like working a whole lot better than whatever it is people do these days.

Seen it all done it all in the United States Navy for four years serving as an Officer in the Pacific and don't really find what people call 'fun' back home all that fun.

Goofy

 
heister:

This is why I slip them a couple hundreds the morning after so they get the picture right away.

Heister, not everyone has da shizz like you....

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."
 

Unless this gal is of s high enough quality to be the center of your universe I would ditch her. Seems like all she wants to do is take. Plus, she gave you three outcomes and 2 consisted of you being single at the end. She is already 2/3 of the way, so you might as well show her the door.

Only two sources I trust, Glenn Beck and singing woodland creatures.
 

Every experience in life is a learning experience. Me sharing mine can preclude others from experiencing it first hand.

I don't discriminate. I give those I feel that have potential the benefit of the doubt. This is why, in the long run, I am such a bitter fuck when I choose to be and that I value output over companionship with the aforementioned group of individuals who sucker me out of my precious time.

 
Best Response

The basis for the argument I understand-- every girl I've ever dated suffers from this "you should be somebody/I want a nobody" paradox. They hate your hours but they love the nice vacations, dinners, presents, status, etc. That in and of itself just comes with going steady with a woman, generally speaking. 20-30 guys in a year is steep for my liking but hey, kudos to her for at least admitting it... of course you should always double that number, right?

However the recording of your argument is a deal breaker and borderline psycho territory. She just indicated she can violate a couple's implied secrecy/sanctity and wouldn't hesitate to leak/blackmail you when you're no longer her main obsession. For that alone, I'd drop her like a bad habit because she doesn't seem to understand basic social conventions or the importance of loyalty/trust which IMO are arguably 2 of the most important qualities in choosing a life partner. Of course I don't know the specifics of your relationship so take it with a grain of salt.

That said, it doesn't matter how much you feed, cuddle and care for a snake, it'll still bite you when it's angry and not feel guilty about it.

 
Xiiixiii:

The basis for the argument I understand-- every girl I've ever dated suffers from this "you should be somebody/I want a nobody" paradox. They hate your hours but they love the nice vacations, dinners, presents, status, etc. That in and of itself just comes with going steady with a woman, generally speaking. 20-30 guys in a year is steep for my liking but hey, kudos to her for at least admitting it... of course you should always double that number, right?

However the recording of your argument is a deal breaker and borderline psycho territory. She just indicated she can violate a couple's implied secrecy/sanctity and wouldn't hesitate to leak/blackmail you when you're no longer her main obsession. For that alone, I'd drop her like a bad habit because she doesn't seem to understand basic social conventions or the importance of loyalty/trust which IMO are arguably 2 of the most important qualities in choosing a life partner. Of course I don't know the specifics of your relationship so take it with a grain of salt.

That said, it doesn't matter how much you feed, cuddle and care for a snake, it'll still bite you when it's angry and not feel guilty about it.

bad habits can take a while to drop... treat this as hot out of the oven plate. fucking RUN

 

Bro, she crazy. Get out. Girls that maintain relationships with their exes are bad news; you can't be "just friends" with most of your exes and saying it's to build your network is a BS excuse. If you're a normal person, you can build your network in a multitude of different ways.

If you're looking to settle down then you need to find a girl who doesn't care that you're a nobody right now but will love you the same if you're a somebody. Someone that understands that you have goals and that means you have to work long hours and make sacrifices but will support you. On the flip side, you have to be willing to devote your free time to them even if it means sacrificing bro time, but I think you know that.

Best of luck, man, this girl isn't one to worry over. Drop her and you'll be way better off.

 

I agree, I think women are more likely to maintain "friends" with their ex - in a Facebook sense. But, to maintain an open line of communication is a sell signal.

Only two sources I trust, Glenn Beck and singing woodland creatures.
 
Ehmerica:

I agree, I think women are more likely to maintain "friends" with their ex - in a Facebook sense. But, to maintain an open line of communication is a sell signal.

Can you imagine you trying to work up a girl in the Jacuzzi while watching a movie and all she does is grab her cell phone to FB msg her previous exbf because his story and marketing is oh so much more important than yours?

 

Just give me the number to your shrink or man up and grow a pair of balls and join the military. They would love you in the military. You'd be the iconic pin cushion.

On a serious note:

  • Insanity
  • Aggression
  • Intensity

Those all are an edge if you have them and can cut effectively with them without doing too much harm to yourself. When you get beat one day and look across the table I want you to have two things:

  1. A notepad to jot down how they did it and if you can tolerate or adapt their winning strategies.

  2. A stack of business cards for your shrink to offer them.

I will take you seriously when you have sacrificed years of your life to defend this Country to provide the very Freedom for which you exercise. Otherwise, you don't and won't have what it takes to keep this Country safe from all Enemies both Foreign and Domestic.

When it's not just your own ass that's on the line, when confronted day to day with life or death situations, and that miscalculations means lives and not figures on a spreadsheet, you either go at it with smooth execution or you and your peers get executed, literally. Take a step back from the keyboard and the nice and comfortable room you are sitting in while viewing this message. That's the blanket of Freedom we provided for you so you can have this Freedom to pursue Liberty and Happiness or shit on the very people that provide you this Gift however they decide to do it most effectively.

 
Ebolamonkey:

Just give me the number to your shrink or man up and grow a pair of balls and join the military. They would love you in the military. You'd be the iconic pin cushion.

On a serious note:

  • Insanity
  • Aggression
  • Intensity

Those all are an edge if you have them and can cut effectively with them without doing too much harm to yourself. When you get beat one day and look across the table I want you to have two things:

  1. A notepad to jot down how they did it and if you can tolerate or adapt their winning strategies.
  2. A stack of business cards for your shrink to offer them.

I will take you seriously when you have sacrificed years of your life to defend this Country to provide the very Freedom for which you exercise. Otherwise, you don't and won't have what it takes to keep this Country safe from all Enemies both Foreign and Domestic.

When it's not just your own ass that's on the line, when confronted day to day with life or death situations, and that miscalculations means lives and not figures on a spreadsheet, you either go at it with smooth execution or you and your peers get executed, literally. Take a step back from the keyboard and the nice and comfortable room you are sitting in while viewing this message. That's the blanket of Freedom we provided for you so you can have this Freedom to pursue Liberty and Happiness or shit on the very people that provide you this Gift however they decide to do it most effectively.

What the fuck did I just read?

First of all, military in and itself does not make this country great. I appreciate your personal sacrifices to pick up arms to defend this country but nobody put a gun to your head and forced you to join up. You appear to have a sense of "citizens of this country owes me because I served" and I know most vets would disagree with this.

The blanket of freedom is provided and defended by people of all backgrounds, military and non-military. By your standard, all civilian, including a non-citizen Iraqi helping the US military overseas is a pussy and should grow a pair? The intelligence analyst who stayed up 36 hours straight to get a piece of clandestine HUMINT processed and analyzed is a pussy? The civilians who helped import titanium from former USSR to build the SR-71 are pussies?

Check yourself, dude. There are plenty of ex-mil folks on WSO...

 
Ebolamonkey:

Just give me the number to your shrink or man up and grow a pair of balls and join the military. They would love you in the military. You'd be the iconic pin cushion.

On a serious note:

  • Insanity
  • Aggression
  • Intensity

Those all are an edge if you have them and can cut effectively with them without doing too much harm to yourself. When you get beat one day and look across the table I want you to have two things:

  1. A notepad to jot down how they did it and if you can tolerate or adapt their winning strategies.
  2. A stack of business cards for your shrink to offer them.

I will take you seriously when you have sacrificed years of your life to defend this Country to provide the very Freedom for which you exercise. Otherwise, you don't and won't have what it takes to keep this Country safe from all Enemies both Foreign and Domestic.

When it's not just your own ass that's on the line, when confronted day to day with life or death situations, and that miscalculations means lives and not figures on a spreadsheet, you either go at it with smooth execution or you and your peers get executed, literally. Take a step back from the keyboard and the nice and comfortable room you are sitting in while viewing this message. That's the blanket of Freedom we provided for you so you can have this Freedom to pursue Liberty and Happiness or shit on the very people that provide you this Gift however they decide to do it most effectively.

I'm really not shitting on your at all, sorry if I came across that way. And let me stop right here and sincerely thank you for your service.

But I do have to again suggest you have a quick chat with a therapist. In your writing, there are a lot of red flags that I really think you should take a look at.

Even if your only concern is competitive success, a therapist will not judge you for that and could do some behavioral and mental exercises to help you be more successful.

 
Ebolamonkey:

If legs open, printf 'boyfriend'

So how long has she been dating you? Two days? Three?

GoldenCinderblock: "I keep spending all my money on exotic fish so my armor sucks. Is it possible to romance multiple females? I got with the blue chick so far but I am also interested in the electronic chick and the face mask chick."
 

Here is my advice: 1) Career success is very important (at least it sounds like it to you) 2) It's important to work hard -- but don't go over the top -- work for results and output. Most career oriented folks should be doing 60-70 hours a week and reaping tremendous results. On the other hand I have some friends that can turn 40 hour jobs into 100 hour a week jobs and never seem to get the right output. Don't be one of those people 3) It's imperative that you have a supportive partner. This does not mean finding someone willing to 'make sacrifices' for your career, but rather someone who doesn't see these things as sacrifices at all. You need someone on the same page in regards to lifestyle and success 4) I once took a woman out to dinner. I flew to a different city for our date. And she had me sit in her apartment and wait for 2 hours while she finished up work. I totally understood. This didn't even register as a sacrifice or negative because we were on the same page about wanting financial success 5) Your girlfriend seems crazy. But crazy is fun too.

 

I'm crazy AF. People who take me way too seriously, like LongandShortofit, will learn over time that I'm actually, for the most part, a pretty good person with a good sense of humor. Other times, I can be quite caustic which is why I left the Navy. All were equal when their heads rolled off and my office might as well have been a slaughterhouse with the amount of people of all ranks I slayed with Professionalism.

Compounding insanity and aggression over a period of time adds up and is very taxing on the body and mind. Insanity is good though, I puts me to sleep every night and wakes me up every morning just like the smell of Napalm. :)

 

Get out and when they say we have to talk, tell them no, we don't. I'll never understand people In a non work environment thinking they can tell others what to do. If you don't like someone working all the time then you leave.

 

Life is a mirror. This is confirmation bias and most of you who couldn't see through it fell right for it. There are a couple of deep thinkers here but as I suspected most will jump to conclusions and jump at the first thing to write people, ideas, or situations off by cutting losses and moving on.

Yet... The success stories here are all polar opposites telling a glorious tale of success which also required what seems to be a lunatic amount of effort to overcome the struggle to attain WallSt success. Hmmm. Hard to fight basic cognitive bias.

 
qbison:

I would normally advise you to get out while you can. But, she might actually be a good match because you similarly seem like a complete lunatic.

Agreed.

She sounds like a big slut.

He sounds like a cuckold and a little unhinged.

He's been dating her for a month? Just lose her cell number and never talk to her again. That would be a normal response to a nutty woman. Instead, he's writing bizarre rants about her on some Wall Street job seeking/advice forum and glamorizing his service (which is entirely irrelevant to his skank).

Did this lady pop your cherry son?

 

DickFuld, You would of had a good time if you got to tag along with us for our Port visits in the Pacific. Cherry was long ago with a white gf.

I was on the USS Blue Ridge, which is just the 7th Fleet Admiral's yacht basically. All we do is party with high ups in foreign nations to ease politician tensions or simply party and spend taxpayers money.

The Admiral never rode the ship. He flew to the destination ahead of us to go shake hands and kiss rings. When we, the ship, gets there, I jump in the Helicopter Control Tower to inbound him as our helo onboard flies out to bring him back so it appears that he rode the ship the entire time or at least he rides the ship into port.

We hit the port it is liberty call. Pattaya Beach, Thailand, Manilla, Philippines, Singapore, Malaysia, Indonesian, New Zealand, Australia, Hong Kong, South Korea, Vietnam, etc... Glamorous ports that other ships visit one in a few month is our ENTIRE schedule! I think you would of liked the debauchery that occured during Port visits and the tales ensuing.

Also had the pleasure of serving with some Merchant Marines, folks who work on commercial ships such as oil tankers and cargo ships, and they said the girls they hit up now are probably daughters of the girls they were with when they first started. Lololol!

 

To my fellow infectious monkey who posted this...my word of advice having dated one of these girls. Leave.

For constructive feedback - as others have posted.

  1. She does not respect the sanctity of a relationship.
  2. She lacks the social maturity for a relationship.
  3. She burdens you
  4. She lacks the quality of appreciating the time spent with an individual. 4a. Hearing a girl go through let alone 10 guys, is a big red flag. Do you want a woman who will run at the first bump of a relationship or someone willing to stick it out? All I hear this scream is, "IMMATURITY!"
  5. I work in California, I have strong networking skills, it's virtually impossible even with a VP and Lead Analyst at my disposal at a top tech company to get a gig. She's unrealistic and delusional to her realities. She needs to wake up.
  6. Your socks rock man. I need a pair.
  7. Mostly all of the career oriented women who are established want a man who has a career, nail 'em man.

Now. The consensus here is pretty obvious. I would drop her like a bad donut, in the hole.

Finding a supportive partner in today's society has become harder, Tinder, etc., are around. Most of the pretty women I have dated were more motivated with my career and income...fml., however, I did not date in vain. I screwed up and she's the one that got away, and I miss her dearly.

What I really want to know is, where do you buy your socks?

 

Some may be offended by this post, but keep in mind that this is just my opinion and people can see this differently. My jaw dropped when you said she has been with 20-30 men in one year. This makes me cringe at the thought of how many men she has been over her lifetime. I almost emptied the contents of my stomach onto my living room carpet when you said she keeps in touch with most of them. To put it lightly, she is the definition of toxic. From what it sounds like, you are a driven, social, and intelligent monkey. Why the hell you even considered to mate with this atrocity of a she-monkey. Not only is her past disgusting, she has the nerve to put you down for your ambitious and constructive nature. She will walk all over you and leave you years behind the monkey you would be without her. Generally, whenever you are sharing your relationship problems all your monkey-friends will tell you to dump her (keep in mind that this happens on your girlfriends side too). Obviously take it with a grain of salt. Here it is clear that you should completely remove her from your life, especially that your time investment is not substantial. Going forward, I have some advice for keeping relationships. 1. Don't discuss the past. Beyond curiosity, you really don't want to know and neither does she. This will make you and her feel like you're the only one for her. 2. There should be a solid reason why she is talking to any male outside of her family and workplace. In terms of networking, generally women like to help women because it advances their feminist cause (that I don't disagree with). 3. Work is work. She should be understanding of your schedule and ambitious. You should encourage her to do the same. Bring bread home is both party's responsibility. 4. Make sure there are a minimum of 2 hours that you spend with her everyday. This should supply both's needs for affection 5. Finally, don't do long distance relationships. If she is remotely good looking, someone in California will give her the affection and time that she desires that you won't be able to provide her 3000 miles away (this is natural). But, given the amount of men this women has allowed between her legs, it is almost a certainty that you will be cheated on or replaced.

Run, don't look back, find someone who is worth your time.

 

The work life balance demand is a complete non issue here. Irrelevant. If she admits to sleeping with 30 guys in a year, her number is well into the triple digits. Sprinkle on secretly recording conversations and constantly texting ex's and you have a 100% certified batshit crazy broad. Not even the good crazy. Run. The fact that approach to the worklife topic is even a discussion is alarming.

 

You only live once. 100 years from now you'll be long forgotten.

Hell, even most on Forbes 50 will be forgotten. If people want throw away most of their lives on extra work, I won't have any problem with that. Their time, their choice...but as the saying goes, you'll never meet anyone on their deathbed crying "If I only had spent more time at the office".

But as for your question: It's up to you. We all have different values.

 
Ebolamonkey:
She has this habit of keeping in touch with all her ex-bfs that she's dated in the past year and is very proud of the fact that she went thru 20-30 guys in a year.

Stopped reading here

"Never believe in anything until it has been officially denied"
 

Eligendi porro et omnis corporis corrupti. Ut illum in id sed. Facilis corporis sit omnis omnis harum iusto qui nostrum. Debitis unde commodi est recusandae et.

 

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Repudiandae assumenda aspernatur totam dolorem explicabo eum similique. Voluptas natus magnam reprehenderit. Ut fugiat velit accusamus ratione repellat est quam.

Quasi alias dolores placeat eius delectus velit quisquam. Aut cupiditate voluptatem nihil at ullam unde. Consequuntur sit voluptatem iste explicabo et quam.

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