The Shit A Guy Will Say To Get Laid

Happy Monday monkeys!

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths a man will go to to get laid. Example A: my date on Friday night.

It was a first time tinder date with a trader (I try to steer clear of finance bros but make an exception for traders because they like, have personalities and stuff).

We met after work for the requisite pre-drink screening and after determining that he wasn’t a complete fucktard, agreed to proceed to the dinner round. Our resto of choice had a 5000 hour wait so we posted up at the bar and let the good times roll. That’s when the first wave of bullshit came wafting out. I told him I was a vegetarian and his reaction was priceless.

His face said

But his words said: “Oh shit. Wow. Um, yeah, that’s, cool. Like, yeah, that’s really interesting. I like, have a lot of respect for people who do that kind of stuff.”

As someone who actually advertises his paleo passion on his tinder profile, my herbivorous preferences were a minor kick in the dick. But he did his best big boy effort to conceal the fact. Such a trooper.

About half an hour later the next upset arrived. “So you work at XXXX,” he said. “I take it you’re a banker?”

“HR,” I replied.

Now, this bombshell set off what can best be described as some sort of mild stroke. Like I’m talking Serene Branson at the Grammy’s “a very heavy blurtation tonight” kind of stroke. It was as though you could actually see the pussy trade-off calculator churning away in his head: *Is this chick even worth it? Should I bail out now? But what about the poontang? The precious precious poontang. *

SO. MUCH. INTERNAL. CONFLICTION.

Eventually he came back to life with this brain fart: “Oh my god wow HR? That’s so cooooool. Woooooow.” Etc. Etc.

Never in my life had I witnessed such bronwnosy bullshit. It was amazing. It was also time to test the limits of his social tolerance. So I decided to go full crazy on his ass.

I told him I was anti-vaccinations. That I voted for Jill Stein. Did he want to come and see the one-woman show I was performing next month? Oh no I don’t just own one cat, I have three! And my personal favorite: Of course I was at the Women’s March!...after all I was on the organizing committee.

To my incredible surprise, the dude made like Paul Ryan and swallowed EVERYTHING! His reactions ranged from “That’s cool” to “Are you actually being serious right now” to “I really think diversity of opinions is an important thing.”

Now, guys, that’s what I call commitment to the cause. I wasn’t entirely sure if I respected him more or less for his failure to call me out on any of this shit but meh, in the end it didn’t matter. We ended up going back to his place for some gland to gland combat then I high-tailed it outta there at 7am the next morning because, duh, I had three cats to feed.

Fun times. And the best part of all: I’ll never see him again. Fuck I love New York.

Till next time kids.