What should you do when you deeply love someone who doesn’t love you?

ChloeJ90's picture
Rank: Baboon | 142

I originally wanted to ask this on Quora or Yahoo Answers but because of their long sign up process, I gave up.

Anyway, the background story is that in a kind of way, I have grown up with this guy. We met in 1st grade and stayed together as in went to the same schools for 10 years. In 2016, I met him after a whole 8 years and almost immediately fell in love with him. We met after so long because somewhere along the line, we lost touch. We were too busy in our lives/careers to notice each other. When I met him again after 8 years, at that time, he was in a committed relationship so I kept my feelings to myself and stayed distant out of respect for him and his girlfriend but he started friendzoning me and would reach out to me for advice or just to vent because their relationship wasn't exactly as flawless as they'd try to show in public.

Fast forward a couple of months ago, he finally broke up with his girlfriend and he thought I had something to do with it. His girlfriend thought he was having an affair with me which is why I was staying away from him in first place but I believe that was her excuse to push him away. But what she thinks doesn't bother me, it's what he thinks that bothers me. He thinks that I made up lies and told her something to develop misunderstandings and all that just so she'd break up with him. I know it's unbelievable and stupid but that's what he thinks and I don't know what lies his girlfriend told him about me or where he got this idea from.

He has ceased all contact with me now and I just miss him so bad. I feel like if there was any remote chance of me being with him in a romantic context, I blew it and it's gone forever now. I'm so hopelessly in love with him, it literally makes me cry. I've never felt so empty before, it's like I'm missing a piece of me. I've tried so hard to restablish contact via phone with him at least since now he lives in a southern state but he's blocked me everywhere and he never responded to my texts explaining to him that I had nothing to do with it.

I have another fear that if I tell him that I love him now, he'll get even more suspicious. I think it'll reinforce his doubts and suspicions about me ie that I conspired against him. I know that is crazy. I keep thinking again and again if we hadn't met again at all or if I had approached things differently and stayed away from him ie rejecting his advances of friendship, maybe things would be different now.

I know you might say that move on. The thing is I can't. I've tried so hard, trust me. But I can't and I always end up crying in my bed at night alone.

What should I do? Should I just kill myself and be over with it once and for all? Because I don't think I can live this way for long.

Comments (39)

Funniest
Dec 21, 2018

You've definitely come to the right forum to ask this question. If I could, let me refer you to the resident relationship specialist, theaccountingmajor, who has had a lifetime of liking people that don't like him back.

    • 11
Dec 21, 2018

BRO HES DEAD GET OVER IT

(lmao at the last part of your comment)

Dayman?

Dec 21, 2018

LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018
Dec 21, 2018

Wow off-topic is really getting out of hand. This is something to post on r/offmychest by the way, not Wall Street fuckin Oasis haha.

Don't kill yourself obviously--thats a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Like what does this guy have that nobody else does? If he refuses to even hear you out then why would you still like him? He obviously knows this is hurting you and ghosts you anyways. Also how did you immediately fall in love with this Romeo? Sounds like its more obsession than "true love." You were making an effort to stay away from this guy--so like did you guys actually spend any considerable time together? He might be concerned that your obsessed with him...

Dayman?

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Dec 21, 2018

You don't look for things in someone to fall in love with them. You are in love with them for being themselves.

Secondly, I'm not obsessed. I mean I've liked him since the school days but didn't pay attention until we met again and I fell in love with him. Immediately was simply a sort of an intensifier.

Yes, I've spent a lot of time with him but as a friend, schoolmate and a classmate.

Dec 21, 2018

You said you fell in love with him for being himself? You said immediately. I'm being myself right not and I don't see people falling in love with me (lmao sad). It sounds like you're just absolutely smitten with him.

But also "obsessed" is not entirely inaccurate. Someone who isn't obsessed wouldn't bring up suicide. I get that things suck but as Isaiah said below, why wouldn't he trust you? Did you do something to break that trust in the past? Maybe he was trying to make it work with his girlfriend and the fact that she used you as part of her story to break up with him could make him dislike you.

Also I don't blame his girlfriend. She was pissed that someone was so super into her boyfriend. That would piss my off if I were on the receiving end of that too. I honestly am torn on if her "pushing him away" because of you is really an excuse or reality. It can just be taxing to feel like your constantly competing for someone you already have.

You need to realize that sometimes you just can't have everything.

Dayman?

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

First of all, do not hurt yourself, you have worth and purpose in life without another person. Secondly, this forum is definitely not the place to go for advice on this, please go see a licensed counselor or therapist, you will not regret it.

Dec 21, 2018

I like Patrick

    • 2
Dec 21, 2018
ChloeJ90:

His girlfriend thought he was having an affair with me which is why I was staying away from him in first place but I believe that was her excuse to push him away. But what she thinks doesn't bother me, it's what he thinks that bothers me. He thinks that I made up lies and told her something to develop misunderstandings and all that just so she'd break up with him.

How do you know what his girlfriend was thinking?

If he doesn't believe you, you must have torn down the trust in some way in the past.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

Because that's what she accused him of. She was always paranoid... like in othello syndrome

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018
ChloeJ90:

Because that's what she accused him of. She was always paranoid... like in othello syndrome

How do you know the inner facets of their relationship?

I thought you were trying to back off - how were you even close to their developing drama?

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

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Dec 21, 2018

I think its time to rename this site to WallStreetLoveOasis

RIP theaccountingmajor

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018
TheArtMajor:

I think its time to rename this site to WallStreetLoveOasis

There's a new reality show coming ... lol

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Dec 21, 2018

It sucks when feelings we feel are not reciprocated. As painful as you find your current state, you have answered your own question - you do need to move on.

Stop trying to reach out to him. It would seem that the more you attempt to stress your lack of involvement with his girlfriend [which btw, how or why would he think that you and her had any contact?], the more he appears to be convinced that you had a hand in their break-up - I know that when people don't believe us, it doesn't seem fair, but then, life rarely is fair.

Two points - 1. you said yourself that they were having issues, that he shared/vented with you that they weren't the perfect couple that they presented to the world and 2. if he's really been that obstinate and stubborn in that he won't even try to consider your explanations... would you really want to be in a relationship with someone like this?

I'm not trying to tell you how you feel... but what you felt wasn't love, you were deeply infatuated and are now dwelling on the potential that you think you missed out on with him. You were never in a relationship with him, beyond friendship. You're mourning the loss of something that never was and will likely not be.

Hopefully you're not serious about harming yourself. If you don't want to speak to someone, you can text "CONNECT" to 741741 and text with a crisis counselor 24/7, assuming you're in the US, I'm not aware of a similar text service outside of the USA.

Good luck.

    • 5
Dec 21, 2018
InfoDominatrix:

You were never in a relationship with him, beyond friendship. You're mourning the loss of something that never was and will likely not be.

Yeah, and even if it was ... might not have ever developed to be anything.

I had a similar situation to OP and we were friends for 13 years and then dated, but it didn't work out (we both thought we were in love at the time, I guess). We are still friends though.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Dec 21, 2018

What is love if what I have for him isn't love? I have always liked him since the time we were just kids. I remember all the little details from almost 2 decades ago and all the fun we've had together in school. Why? Because I liked him and now I love him. He used to make me happy. I was in a state of bliss all the times I was with him even as a friend. I care for him a lot with no expectation of getting anything in return. I never liked or loved him just because he was cool but because there's some unexplainable attraction. I don't really think you know what infatuation means. Infatuation would be holding grudge against him for not believing me and hating him for being with his gf. No, I still want the best for him. I just have this void in my heart that makes me feel so ... empty

Dec 21, 2018

Nightman Cometh and Isaiah_53_5 both touch on a valid issue... give him his space, leave him be and if he changes his mind and seeks you out... well then, who knows, maybe something comes of it or maybe you guys try the romantic route and you both realize it isn't meant to be.

Try to appreciate that even if you were/are indeed deeply in love with him, it would seem his feelings were/are elsewhere and/or he just didn't/doesn't see you romantically. As others have stated before me, we can't always wind up with who we want.

I'm sorry you feel empty and have a void within you, but try to make the effort to occupy your time and mind with other people and pursuits.

I have no wish to belittle or dismiss your feelings in any way, shape or form nor do I want to diminish what you feel you had with him, but as one of the older [or damn-near oldest?! LOL] WSOers, I must tell you, you are young and will more than likely fall in love, fall in like, fall in lust and various other levels of attraction and love in your life with a number of people.

    • 3
Dec 21, 2018

You work in Investment Banking and spend your bonus fervently.

I myself purchased:
- Rolex
- Subscription to 4 different loot crates / monthly boxes
- Stock in TSLA
- A league of legends account in challenger(1) (i'm normally in silver)
- Maxed runescape account

(1) account was challenger when purchased, now in platinum 4 elo.

What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent feat. Nickelback.

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

Do these loot crates services send you useful things? I've been looking at some but don't have the courage to pull the trigger

Cash and cash equivalents: $7,286
Financial instruments and other inventory positions owned: $313,129

Dec 25, 2018

What's your summoner name; We need a WSO clan.

"one for the money two for the better green 3 4-methylenedioxymethamphetamine" - M.F. Doom

Dec 21, 2018
ChloeJ90:

We met in 1st grade and stayed together as in went to the same schools for 10 years.

In 2016, I met him after a whole 8 years and almost immediately fell in love with him.

We met after so long because somewhere along the line, we lost touch.

When I met him again after 8 years

Your usage of this word 'met' really bothers me. Did you have amnesia? Maybe it was tough for him too after you forgot that you met him over and over again.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

He'd forgotten about me but I remembered even the little details from 1st grade. Maybe it was because he thought I was just another girl whereas I actually liked him since 1st grade which developed into a crush later (and now love) and he was special to me.

Dec 21, 2018

How do you go from Yahoo Answers to WSO?

That's like planning to eat at a vegan spot, pulling up to see it's closed, and then saying fuck it I'll just go to taco bell.

RIP theaccountingmajor

    • 2
Dec 21, 2018

hahaha

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Dec 21, 2018

You're better than theaccountingmajor lol.

Also, WSO is definitely the Taco Bell of online forums.

Dayman?

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

Because I closely follow this forum and I've have an account for two years.

Dec 21, 2018
ChloeJ90:

I've tried so hard to restablish contact via phone with him at least since now he lives in a southern state but he's blocked me everywhere and he never responded to my texts

So in summary, he doesn't live near you, won't answer your calls. He isn't contacting you.

Is this really love? What is love?

There is not really anything you can do at this point other than to make peace with it and move on.

https://writeforherscarves.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/02/Serenity-prayer-1.jpg

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 2
Dec 21, 2018

From what I have read, this is a game you cannot win. Emotion dictates that you would be miserable because of this for a long time. Coming from an IB background, you would over-analyze every single piece of information to try to rationalize your horrible plan to bring him back into your life. You might actually execute the best plan (which is, in fact, the worst) and make it so horrible that you not only lose him forever, you lose all possibility of ever reconciling with him. When that happens, you would unconsciously sabotage you entirely life because you see no value in your own existence anymore. It is painful to go through that process especially when you have been mostly successful at everything you set your mind to do. The good thing about heartbreak is after it goes away, other things no longer hurt because you have experienced the worst of all. In time, your sadness becomes something you can use to empower you. Life is funny that way, keep being sad for a while; just remember to get up in the morning.

Cash and cash equivalents: $7,286
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Most Helpful
Dec 21, 2018

Also, to go back to your original question in the title (and not to rub it in) - the thing you should do in any situation like this is avoid desperation.

And desperation seems to be the key word to describe your current state. It seems less like you love him and more like he is the missing piece in your life. You seem desperate to make this happen, to do whatever is possible.

In many instances, desperation is unattractive. It's unattracrive in interviews, in sales (especially), and in relationships. The act of desperation conveys that in some way you 'need' this to happen. Don't ever put yourself in that state. You have yourself. You shouldn't need anyone or anything to feel fulfilled and whole. He was never the missing piece in your life; your mind said that he was. Your feelings of being incomplete are false. Step back for a moment and take time to think of the value of yourself, before you take on desperation. If you can't find the value in yourself, by yourself, a therapist may be needed as others have stated above. This isn't a big deal though - they are trained professionally to help people get through these hurdles.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 6
Dec 21, 2018

I can't thank you enough for your kind words

    • 1
Dec 21, 2018

Get really drunk and fuck a few randos. Rinse and repeat until you're over it.

    • 2
Dec 25, 2018

If OP's hot, and close to NYC, I volunteer to be one of the randos ;)

thots and prayers

Dec 21, 2018
2and20:

If OP's hot, and close to NYC, I volunteer to be one of the randos ;)

You're not drunk enough.....