I'm miserable and think i'm having a mental breakdown
Normally I wouldn't post something like this, but i'm at a point where I feel I NEED to vent and hear others opinions and there is no one in my real life I feel comfortable doing so to.
Disclaimer: I admit that a history of mental illness, suicide, and large scale depression is prevalent in my family. And it may be true that I just need to get drugged to high hell. I just haven't felt that I can admit that failure and see a doctor about this yet.
So, essentially, here is a TL;DR. I have been working AM for about a year and a half since graduation and make far more than enough money for my age. Yet, it's never enough and I can't stop spending I have piled up credit card debt on the back of large amounts of booze, toys, etc. I'm miserable at my work. I hate the job. I don't even work that long of hours (think around 55-60) and I dread it every day. I can barely get out of bed in the morning. A bed that I am consistently laying awake in most nights because of the awful insomnia i'm developing. I slept maybe 16 hours combined friday, saturday, sunday, and monday nights. I can't remember exactly how much because I was so drunk on friday and monday that I blacked out for much of the night. Saturday and Sunday I also drank, but managed to stay coherent enough to remember those days. My alcoholism is getting bad to teh point of waking up, having a drink before work, having a drink at lunch, and then spending most nights drinking heavily either by myself or at a bar trying to grab a poor soul to share my misery and some unfulfilling sex. I don't use drugs, but I'm strongly considering jumping into the habit. That leads into my inability to actually connect with other human beings. I'm callous to others situations and emotionally stunted myself. The last two females i've been involved with couldn't handle my co-dependency and depression and left me. The females who do seem to want to "save me" I want nothing to do with.
I'm in a situation where all my issues with work, boozing, insomnia, and connections to others is starting to stop me from functioning. I strongly considered suicide many times over the past 6 months. I even once pulled out the handgun I own, loaded it, and stuck it to my temple. Only do have the female I was involved with convince me otherwise. I spent yesterday fighting a hangover and feeling like my I was actually going legitimately crazy. To the point that I suicide, institutionalization, or generally dropping off the radar and heading to south america are my only options at this point in my life. I'm not sure how or why I am still alive or if I want to be a year from now. I certainly couldn't stand another year of my current existence. And I feel so isolated from the rest of the world that i'm not sure anyone or anything can help me.
I can't really explain my thoughts that well and I know this was rambling, but Ijust had to have some outlet and since I am a regular here (with a different username) this seemed as good as any.






Here's my $0.02: I think you
Here's my $0.02:
I think you know what you need to do, you're just having trouble actually doing it. The first thing you have to do is just quit drinking. Trust me, this isn't something you jut grow out of and it's amplifying every other real or perceived problem you have in life and causing more problems. Just quit drinking for the rest of this week and see how it feels. Plan some activities that don't involve alcohol (play basketball or go to a movie).
If you still feel suicidal call for professional help.
My guess is that the wreckless spending and other problems go away if you quit drinking. You will also be able to think more clearly about your career, but that shouldn't even be a primary or secondary concern right now.
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Get help asap. Doesn't have
Get help asap. Doesn't have to be a drug pushing MD, even just talking to someone on a regular basis who can add perspective and set goals is a good start.
Take a few months off and go
Take a few months off and go volunteer or something? It should help you "find yourself" and what you really want to do. I am sure your employer will understand if you consult a psychiatrist and get him/her to recommend to them?
Being a prospective monkey I am bound to post stupid comments due to my lack of expert knowledge. I implore you to correct me harshly or constructively, and I will appreciate any learning opportunity.
Also, I'll throw you an SB
Also, I'll throw you an SB for every day this week you don't drink. Start with this one.
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Jesus, man. Good luck with
Jesus, man. Good luck with all that.
Edit: Think about taking a week off to do some hiking or trailing. It's cold as fuck, but that'll definitely sober you up.
RIP WSO Chat.
Most important thing is to
Most important thing is to stop drinking and talk to a therapist or psychiatrist. Next, find out what makes you happy in life and pursue it. If it's not money and the line of business you're in, drop it! There are changes you need to make in your life that need addressing asap. A therapist or psychiatrist can help you face these issues head on to make you a better and happier person.
SirTradesaLot: Here's my
Here's my $0.02:
I think you know what you need to do, you're just having trouble actually doing it. The first thing you have to do is just quit drinking. Trust me, this isn't something you jut grow out of and it's amplifying every other real or perceived problem you have in life and causing more problems. Just quit drinking for the rest of this week and see how it feels. Plan some activities that don't involve alcohol (play basketball or go to a movie).
If you still feel suicidal call for professional help.
My guess is that the wreckless spending and other problems go away if you quit drinking. You will also be able to think more clearly about your career, but that shouldn't even be a primary or secondary concern right now.
I do work out fairly regularly (lift, mostly) and played in a fall kickball league (though, meet chicks and drink with them after the games).
I see the drinking more as a side effect than a cause, though. The problems at work/girls/my thought pattern were manifested before I was drinking as much as I am. And while the drinking may be making it worse, it's not as if I think I was better off beforehand. I was in credit card debt before the drinking got as bad as it did. The only reckless thing I spend on when drunk but not sober is like rounds of shots for people i'm with. Otherwise the ski trip, motorcycle, new clothes, electronics etc happen while sober as well. I think a lot of that actually stems from feeling I have some sort of image to uphold to my friends, most of who are kind of losers.
Also, i don't really want to focus on the suicidal part. While I could eventually do it, I haven't yet so it's not as if it's going to happen tomorrow.
Isn't the drinking / insomnia
Isn't the drinking / insomnia caused by the depression at work?
assetmanager7: I think a lot
I think a lot of that actually stems from feeling I have some sort of image to uphold to my friends, most of who are kind of losers.
no offense, bro, but it doesn't look like they're the losers here. you need to reevaluate your shit. good luck.
RIP WSO Chat.
jointhebank: Take a few
Take a few months off and go volunteer or something? It should help you "find yourself" and what you really want to do. I am sure your employer will understand if you consult a psychiatrist and get him/her to recommend to them?
An ex, while telling me she couldn't handle being with me anymore, recommended I quit my job and join the peace corps. It does sound intriguing, but the lure of money and a stable career is holding me back.
I really doubt I could leave this job for a few months and get it back or even a similar job back in high finance aftewards. And the thought of essentially ruining my career at such a young age seems extremely daunting.
Sorry to hear about your
Sorry to hear about your situation which is far more common than you probably realize. As mentioned above, alcohol, as a depressive, is certainly not helping your psychological state and is more than likely making it worse. You should take a week off from work, schedule an appointment with your doctor and candidly discuss how you are feeling (no shame in that). You seem to be against medication despite your family history but you should strongly consider how it may help your quality of life before dismissing it whether it would be a temporary fix or more permanent solution. Once you get some of these issues under control you should focus on your hobbies and passions. Maybe you like to play basketball, soccer, the gym, etc. Do more of those activities and possibly find a way to volunteer. Nowhere does it say that you should be constantly happy as life is a struggle and a job is a job but you should find ways to make life more manageable and enjoyable.
Hope you can find some peace in 2013.
Febreeze: assetmanager7: I
I think a lot of that actually stems from feeling I have some sort of image to uphold to my friends, most of who are kind of losers.
no offense, bro, but it doesn't look like they're the losers, here. you need to reevaluate your shit. good luck.
Completely solid point. I just meant from the typical viewpoint of seemingly no direction in life, low paying jobs, etc.
It's also worth noting that I am extremely hard on my self and tend to have really low self esteem. Which is part of my problem in relationships with others.
assetmanager7: Febreeze:
I think a lot of that actually stems from feeling I have some sort of image to uphold to my friends, most of who are kind of losers.
no offense, bro, but it doesn't look like they're the losers, here. you need to reevaluate your shit. good luck.
Completely solid point. I just meant from the typical viewpoint of seemingly no direction in life, low paying jobs, etc.
It's also worth noting that I am extremely hard on my self and tend to have really low self esteem. Which is part of my problem in relationships with others.
do your friends know you're in debt?
RIP WSO Chat.
1. Get rid of the gun. 2.
1. Get rid of the gun.
2. Instead of spending money on material things & alcohol, save for a long trip to a different country to fight the addictions.
3. Get professional help and get on some antidepressants or something.
"A man generally has two reasons for doing anything. One that sounds good, and the real one." - J.P. Morgan
computerized: Isn't the
Isn't the drinking / insomnia caused by the depression at work?
I think they are both caused by an overall feeling of depression. Not just work but my outside of work issues as well. Though, I'm at a point where it isn't just depression. I feel somewhat like i'm legitimately going insane. Being extremely neurotic and paranoid as well.
Like SirTradesAlot said, if
"That dude is so haole, he don't even have any breath left."
Febreeze: assetmanager7:
assetmanager7: SirTradesaLo
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assetmanager7: Febreeze:
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Honestly, your not there yet
Third prize is you're fired.
ScoobyDoobie: Honestly, your
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Workout. See gains. --> Stop
Frank Sinatra - "Alcohol may be man's worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy."
ScoobyDoobie: Honestly, your
It's a big step being able to
From reading your responses
See my other WSO blog posts>
Why are you so miserable? Why
to echo, regardless of the
Izzy: Why are you so
Just stop the drinking and
are you gonna cancel the trip
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Powa23: Just stop the
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Febreeze: as soon as you
Check out my WSO Blog
honestly, significantly slow
See my Monday Morning Brainteasers
honestly, significantly slow
See my Monday Morning Brainteasers
Powa23: Just stop the
I dunno if this will help
Powa23: Just stop the
In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away
And Time will have his fancy
Tomorrow or today.
While I'm not religious, you
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G.M.Trevelyan: While I'm not
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assetmanager7: Actually,
"Sometimes we have to get really high to see how small we are" - Fearless Felix
assetmanager7: Izzy: Why
Going Concern: Hapiness is
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OP, I've been there. I came
Its pretty scary to admit you
"Dont compromise yourself; you're all you've got" - Janis Joplin
Edmundo Braverman: But I
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SirTradesaLot: Going
In headaches and in worry
Vaguely life leaks away
And Time will have his fancy
Tomorrow or today.
Some of this might work. 1.
Going
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Edmundo Braverman: OP, I've
captainradio: Some of this