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11/19/15

Mod Note (Andy): Throwback Thursday - This was a originally posted in June 2012

So the interns are out in full force. Hoards of them.

(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)

I digress. I'm going to keep this brief and to the point, hopefully it's helpful to some young monkeys out there. But first, a joke:

What's the difference between a sperm and a lawyer?
The sperm has at least a 1/10,000 chance of becoming a human being.

I digress again. Here is the list:

Interns:
1) Stick out their hand for a shake EVERYWHERE, EVERY TIME they see you. It's getting to be comical, and I'm about to start leaving these f*ckers hanging. Rule of thumb: don't shake hands when you casually bump into colleagues- in the subway, in the elevator, especially in the restroom- thou shalt not shake hands UNLESS i) you are meeting a senior person for the first time OR ii) if a hand is shown, obviously you shake it.

2) seem not to realize that suit vents need to be clipped. I'm talking about those little flaps on your suitjacket that hang around your ass. They come sewn together - but you're supposed to clip that little string.

3) should watch what they say to one another on the subway. We're listening. Even if we have earphones in, we may have the sound on mute to see if you're shitting on your group. We are smarter than you. Never forget that.

4) should not be concerned about the brand that you're wearing. We don't expect you to come in wearing a hickey suit, Ferragamos and a Hermes tie. In fact, if you do dress as well as I do, I'll probably assume you're a spoiled little shit because I know for a FACT that you don't earn enough to drop $3,000 on one day's wardrobe.

5) should not wear watches that are better than your superior's watch. See #4 logic. Some fucking intern was flashing around the cafe in a patek the other day. Seriously? I assumed it was his fathers, I also assumed the kid has a self esteem issue. Why else would an intern be wearing a 30k watch? Is he trying to make a statement? Well the only statement he made was "im a douchewaffle." good intern watch: tissot.

6) should not leave the office before I do. Sit there and surf the internet or something- don't leave before your colleagues.

7) should only talk about their background when asked. I don't care what you did in high school. When you talk about that shit I feel old - you want me to feel good when I talk to you. Not old. (brotip: bankers like to talk about themselves - generally speaking, we are arrogant and love to gloat about the deals we've structured. Ask us about that - oe our families- and we'll talk your ears off)

8) wear big shirts. Maybe this is just me, but all the interns I see seem to swim in their dress shirts. Make sure your shit fits!

9) should be wary of the company they keep- you will be judged by it.

10) should NOT talk about fake IDs. I ask if you're 21- if you're not, say "no". Don't say "no, but I have a fake." This was actually said to me by my "mentee". Do you really think I'm going to hit the bar with you if you're not 21? Not a chance in hell.

Hopefully this means I will see fewer sewn suit vents, because that shit really gets under my skin.

Comments (146)

In reply to streetwannabe
6/17/12
streetwannabe:

I get to go on a booze cruise later this month. Company sponsored. Even though my internship is unpaid, this makes it worth it. I'm getting annihilated.

Booze cruise in a few weeks for me.

Hard liquor, here I come.

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6/17/12

Great tips from OP.
I think the offense it caused to some may come due to the tone, but the content is gold!

6/17/12
6/17/12
In reply to streetwannabe
6/18/12
streetwannabe:
Connor:
jjcannon:
streetwannabe:
blastoise:

why do we have to leave after you?

Some of us our getting paid hourly and are only allowed to work 40 hours ....

Haha, I was thinking about this. Today I left at 5.15pm and a guy on the elevator said "What are we paying you for to leave when we do?"

[Reply] "Nothing"

"....Oh... really?"

But, fortunately I commute from Hartford CT to NYC every day (5 hr commute total) so my manager almost forces me to leave so I can get home before 8.30pm

You have a 5 hour commute and don't get reimbursed in any way? That's fucked.

His parents probably reimburse the shit out of him.

Haha, yes with encouragement. Fuck off Connor, we're poor.

Yea..not everyone has a trust fund

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

In reply to WallStreetOasis.com
6/18/12
WallStreetOasis.com:
WreckEmFinance:

Again, this part of what makes this site a fun dealio. Most people don't know each other personally and we don't even put our real faces on the avatar, but we rip the shit out of each other or encourage or whatever, share stories, experiences. Yaaaay internet. Yet another reason I consider this site pure fluff. By no means a truly serious career finding site. More of an entertainment, residual information gathering type thing. And that's good. And that's fine. And thus, Good luck to you sir.

Most people don't know each other personally? You mean the people that are dumb enough not to take advantage of the obvious networking opportunities on here every day and at the Happy Hours and the WSO Conference this summer?

Yeah, I guess this isn't a "serious career finding site". Maybe you should tell that to these people? http://www.wallstreetoasis.com/forum/wso-success-s... Or the countless members that have stayed on Monty09's famous lucky couch and landed jobs as a result? Or the thousands of people that have thanked our team over the years for providing a fun and useful site focused on finance careers.

Yay internet. Go back to LinkedIn and keep cold-emailing...or stay on here, build some relationships in a more relaxed and fun (OMG, networking can be fun?!?) atmosphere. You might learn something. And even end up with a solid job. Plenty of other less arrogant members have done it in the past.

Yes, a fun "dealio" indeed.

Welcome.

GET EM!

I eat success for breakfast...with skim milk

6/18/12

1."I have nothing to do"
2. Leaving espn.com on the screen while an Associate is at their desk.

6/18/12

the barren asshole of america is the largest cotton producing region in the U.S., and one of the biggest in the world. i dunno, not to mention all the oil. so yah, you know, definitely the barren asshole producing two of the most important commodities for the commodities traders to trade and most of the cotton for your 100 dollar premium cotton, tailored shirts. yaaahhh barren asshole alright. plus also cattle. lots and lots of cattle.

"Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait."
-Thomas Edison

6/18/12

i love all this attention i'm getting! thanks guys! this has been fun, and enlightening. i have i learned WSO has much more to offer than i realized, and i will take that to heart, by golly. also there seems to be quite a fixation with anuses on this post. to each his own, i guess.

"Everything comes to those who hustle while they wait."
-Thomas Edison

6/18/12

Get me coffee BWAHAHAHAHA

I like our interns, we got lucky this year, no jerks.

One thing though: if your family etc helped you get the inernship, don't flaunt that, it's poor form. These things will come up in conversation, but be tasteful.

Get busy living

6/19/12

I wanna highlight #3.... 5-mile radius at the very least before you start talking abt anything from work....

I don't accept sacrifices and I don't make them. ... If ever the pleasure of one has to be bought by the pain of the other, there better be no trade at all. A trade by which one gains and the other loses is a fraud.

6/19/12

Interns put 5 teaspoons full of sugar and 3/4 of a cup of milk into their "coffee" too.

Eventus stultorum magister.

6/19/12

Thanks AVP

couple things..

@2
as much as i'm a promoter of cutting the thread on vents (cuz um..they should be cut), the very little thread on a vent did save my eyes last summer. it was the thread connecting the vent/slit in the back of a female's tight little pencil skirt.
now here's a well known fact: chick gain weight (even just a little) usually when they start in the industry. and when you gain just a little weight, skirts/dresses they ride up when you walk. as the skirt rode up her behind with each step she stomped by my row.. i could feel the heads turning from both males and females around me. and after she made it far away enough (w/o malfunctions, surprisingly), someone blurted out loud: "thank God she did not know to cut the thread. "

@11
pulled that one myself. i as overwhelmed by the amount of new info so i either didnt sleep enough or just never slept well. got [honorably] invited to a management meeting by my manager on the desk. fell asleep.
best part was another manager in the meeting [who obviously knew i was an intern just listening in] asked me about where i came from, school, major etc at end of the meeting. this guy sat across from me for 30min and probably watched me sleep right before our conversation.

@8
dont know where you work but .. i have the opposite problem.
this whole skinny-jeans-is-okay-for-men trend right now is fucking this up for me. way too skinny shirts on the guys..

@10 / drinking at company events
dumping beer bottles and drinking water works (except the water will taste nasty) but it does not work if at least 1 person in the room knows your underage. beer bottle = assumption that you're drinking beer.
what i did was drinking a glass of seltzer water with a lime. so it sort of look like a vodka soda..which is also a fairly gender neutral drink (i.e. unlike white wine or some reddish mixed drink. dont get me started on martinis at crowded work events.)

6/24/12

I almost never post, just read the forms, but it looks like someone did make a twitter for this. https://twitter.com/#!/ShitInterns_Say

12/29/12

my boss disliked me after i told him i didn't like breaking bad

In reply to londonkim
1/22/13

londonkim:
my boss disliked me after i told him i didn't like breaking bad

Your boss is justified.

Speaking of which, add Justified to the list of great shows currently on TV.

1/30/13

i locked keys in car! i was that intern :D

In reply to PonyUp
1/30/13

PonyUp:
Our T&L allows you to expense up to $25 per meal. I've seen people buy gift cards for $25 at cheaper restaurants, then proceed to pay with the gift card.

... cut backs are happening for a reason.

Hahaha I have another story about how to beat the system. When I interned at a BB we also had $25 dinner allowance. Another intern always asked the analysts in the office whether he could bring them their food. Every night he had a list for 5-6 analysts. Of course he had to pay on his own account first but got the whole reimbursement from HR.

This had two advantages:

1. All analysts loved him for getting their food

2. Most analysts didn't give a sh*t about the $25 anymore and just ordered a salad for $10. He than used the outstanding budget to buy stuff on his own. The HR didn't know who bought what as he only had one final bill. So every night he bought himself food for $50-$80. Not only dinner but also all his groceries and nonperishable stuff from expensive delicatessen shops ($30/4 oz of italian sausage or ham, pralines, caviar, truffles, etc.). He told me at the end of the internship that he has delicatessen food for $1500 at home

In reply to Austerity
1/30/13

Austerity:
PonyUp:
Our T&L allows you to expense up to $25 per meal. I've seen people buy gift cards for $25 at cheaper restaurants, then proceed to pay with the gift card.

... cut backs are happening for a reason.

Hahaha I have another story about how to beat the system. When I interned at a BB we also had $25 dinner allowance. Another intern always asked the analysts in the office whether he could bring them their food. Every night he had a list for 5-6 analysts. Of course he had to pay on his own account first but got the whole reimbursement from HR.

This had two advantages:

1. All analysts loved him for getting their food

2. Most analysts didn't give a sh*t about the $25 anymore and just ordered a salad for $10. He than used the outstanding budget to buy stuff on his own. The HR didn't know who bought what as he only had one final bill. So every night he bought himself food for $50-$80. Not only dinner but also all his groceries and nonperishable stuff from expensive delicatessen shops ($30/4 oz of italian sausage or ham, pralines, caviar, truffles, etc.). He told me at the end of the internship that he has delicatessen food for $1500 at home

Genius....

1/30/13

Leave it to a Red Raider to make the rest of us Texas guys look bad (joke).

Awesome post, AVP. Thanks!

1/31/13

Had one intern legit take 5 hours to do one urgent page in my deck -- ended up fixing it myself after staying up till 4am trying to give the guy a shot. Silly shit interns do.

1/31/13

Let out big, exaggerated yawns....

GTFOOHWTS

"That dude is so haole, he don't even have any breath left."

2/4/13

AVPGuerilla:

6) should not leave the office before I do. Sit there and surf the internet or something- don't leave before your colleagues.

Not fucking necessary. We let the kids go home if they don't need to be there, there's plenty of time to beat the life out of them.

It's more important that they come in before we do.

2/4/13

Under age interns bought us a round of drinks last year. Stupid thing to do.

2/5/13
5/31/13

What SHOULD you do if you're paid by the hour? I'm paid 8 hrs a day, 9-5, normal. Also commuting from 1.5 hrs away. Should I come early/stay late, or just work 9-5?

In reply to littlebitconfuzzled
5/31/13

littlebitconfuzzled:

What SHOULD you do if you're paid by the hour? I'm paid 8 hrs a day, 9-5, normal. Also commuting from 1.5 hrs away. Should I come early/stay late, or just work 9-5?

Be the first one in, last one out.

You want that offer, don't you?

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Financial Modeling Training

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IB Interview Prep Pack

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7/11/13

Is it fucked up that i talked about my fake during my IB internship?

I was (even) more of a little nerd back then and didn't know how to act in front of all the cool investment bankers haha

7/12/13

Hey guys I know this is a stupid question but i read a few comments on this post about networking events, and I was wondering if there were any of those Happy Hour events in the LA area.

As for the drinking thing, I am 21 now but I did mention I HAD a fake ID when I was underaged. Is that just as bad?

7/12/13

All the guys in my office are cool about the drinking thing...might be because we're all ER and not as high strung as the IB guys at the firm? My Sr. Analyst is an alum and low-30s and we talk about parties and the bar scene at our UG all the time.

In reply to JDimon
7/12/13

Don't talk about your fake, it's worse than acting like a Boston Frat bro at an NYC firm.

7/12/13

I'd never talk about my fake. Luckily, I never had to use it during my SA when I was only 20yo.

3/28/14

Every person I've met from Hartford goes to UCONN

In reply to capitano13
10/9/14

capitano13:

Leave it to a Red Raider to make the rest of us Texas guys look bad (joke).

Awesome post, AVP. Thanks!

His "Raider Rash" must be acting up today.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

In reply to littlebitconfuzzled
10/9/14

Wrong. You're paid for a 12 hour day, just a much lower rate.
Welcome to IBD.

"It is better to have a friendship based on business, than a business based on friendship." - Rockefeller.

"Live fast, die hard. Leave a good looking body." - Navy SEAL

10/9/14

Lol I see the suit vents thing way too often.

I'm bi-winning. I win here, and I win there.

10/9/14

AVPGuerilla:

(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)


I only call Latin American interns that.
In reply to GoodBread
10/9/14

GoodBread:

AVPGuerilla:

(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)

I only call Latin American interns that.

Lol, you're a ruthless vato mang

In reply to adapt or die
10/9/14

I can unfortunately see that turn into a frivolous discrimination suit with the wrong crowd.

10/9/14

You mean to tell me they don't have a class on how to dress?!

10/10/14

Favourite must be prospective interns speaking with the teams to decide where to join. And then starting a thread here for advice from strangers instead..

In reply to GoodBread
10/10/14

GoodBread:

AVPGuerilla:

(Before I get into this-- I have no idea why they are called "SA's" these days- they will always be interns to me.)

I only call Latin American interns that.


HaHhAhaha
10/11/14

Hey that is a good one. I never thought about wearing a better suit but the watch is kind of obvious.

10/11/14

Great post! SB. This always gives me a good laugh too.

15) Order hot chocolate at the expresso bar

10/12/14

Hey OP, pump my gas bitch.

-Your Superior

10/13/14

I agree with all but #6. If you don't have work, go home. It's not worth the bank's money for you to be sitting there surfing the net (most interns are hourly after all). If your boss has a stick up his butt that you're not sitting around rooting for him at 10pm or something, he probably has major self esteem issues. If he didn't give you any extra work by 8pm or so, ask him if there's anything you can do and if not, get the hell out of there.

10/13/14

Thank goodness I read through one of these types of threads during my senior year of high school so I haven't been too much of a try hard in my internships. I find it's all about mirroring those around you which seems to work well. As some others have said, be mindful of those around you and strive to look like the lowest rung on the ladder.

In reply to UTDFinanceGuy
10/13/14

I go to UTD, who are you??!

In reply to eatmybananas
10/13/14

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10/15/14

"Fugazi, Fugazy. It's a wazi. It's a woozy."

10/16/14
11/19/15

Tissot Visodate

In reply to blastoise
11/19/15
11/23/15
11/23/15
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