Roast my cover letter

Broke asfuck and cant hire anyone to review my cover letter. This is for an MBB office btw. I haven't put much thought into it being consulting centric, but I borrowed this overall structure from an old WSO post:

I am immensely excited to apply for an Associate position at [company’s] office in City. Having heard about the firm and opportunities during a career fair at [my university], I was very intrigued to apply. Speaking to [company’s] representatives along with consultants including [name 1], [name 2], and [name 3] was a very positive experience. I learned briefly what makes company such a powerhouse when it comes to management consulting and solutions. The expansive network of the firm and the significance of the firm’s engagements, among many other things, are what truly make company a unique place. As such, I am excited to become a part of the team. I believe my skills and qualifications do make me a good candidate.

My interest in Consulting has been piqued since I first learned about the field. As such, I have tried to the best of my ability to learn all I could about the field and develop the necessary skillset required to successfully join the field. The complex but intriguing world of Consulting invites inquisitiveness and a variety of interconnected skills.

During my work experience as a Valuation Analyst, I have learned what it truly means to engage with clients seeking a distinguished service. I have been assigned to various tasks covering very technical and quantitative sides of Valuation and also engaging with the client, through presentations and formal calls, in order to refine our service and improve outcome. I have developed many skills that are key in succeeding in Consulting. 

Based on this, I am hopeful my application is given consideration soon. I appreciate the time and effort dedicated to attract new talent at Firm. I am willing to everything in my ability to provide a return on investment.

Thoughts :/

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I began reviewing and revising the cover letter, but the more I edited, the more I realized you have fundamentally added too much fluff or empty words into the cover letter. I apologize for the brutal review, but allow me to breakdown the anatomy of my suggested cover letter design for MBB firms. 

Overall, I would advise strengthening the contents, writing in more succinct and formal structure. Edit - shoot over a pm and I'll send over a few samples/examples.

Introduction Paragraph

  • Begin listing the position, firm, office and team/practice if applicable.
  • Highlight high-level research; this could be a catchy engagement; core/cultural values or some folks you met. Do not be too vague with "positive experience" or anything that could generally be applied to every firm.
  • [Opinion] - I prefer to end my introductory paragraph with a one line synopsis of my experiences; "As a recent graduate in x with internship experience in y, I find I would make a great fit for z"

Body #1 - Why Consulting

  • Thesis: Introduction as well as thesis  - "I enjoy working in the fast-paced environment and tackling complex problems across the variety of industries." 
  • Tie your past experiences to these reasons as to what peaked your interest in consulting. It could be leadership experiences, internship experience, case competitions, or anything you're proud of having accomplished that is professionally relevant to consulting (i.e. executive position in a consulting club, etc.)
  • Conclude the paragraph reiterating your interest in the position/firm or more generally, in consulting. 

Body #2 - Why This Firm

  • Thesis: "I have admired MBB for its incredible impact in [Country]'s fight against the pandemic, the firm’s insights into the global private markets, and their continued commitment towards social responsibility." 
  • Emphasize research into the company that may be highlighting flagship practices [Bain PEG, BCG Technology, McKinsey PIPE], their corporate social responsibility or pro-bono consulting teams, one of their hundreds of articles or research papers they published, a publicly disclosed case study or contract they've won, or that office's practice focus.
  • Conclude the paragraph tying it back to how you can add value to their organization; this may be a passion for CSR/pro-bono consulting or other high level discussion.

Conclusion 

  • You should end this in 1-2 sentences and specifically adjust your word choice for your audience. "Based on this" is redundant as compared to "I would welcome an opportunity... to discuss my qualifications with you and learn more about MBB at your earliest convenience. Thank you very much for your time and consideration."

WSO Cover Letter

 

I usually follow the general template below. Usually works out, I followed this template for MBB, ER roles, Economist roles, Economic Consulting, and Industry, and I usually got R1 interviews. Now at MBB.

_______________________________________

Dear Sir / Madam / Recruitment Team / etc.

  • I am writing to express my interest in the role of JOB at COMPANY. I am currently working as a CURRENT JOB at CURRENT COMPANY, and would like to transition toward TARGET SECTOR as I seek to REASON #1. [Intro paragraph, same as anywhere]
  • KEY EXPERIENCE #1 & #2 [First paragraph should detail main skills and qualifications I am bringing to the table that match the job ad]
  • RECENT QUANTIFIABLE EXPERIENCE #1 [Second paragraph should focus on specific achievements / outcomes from work that display some of those skills, e.g., project management, team work, taking initiative, autonomy, communication, etc.]
  • RECENT QUANTIFIABLE EXPERIENCE #2 [Optional third paragraph that continues along the same lines]
  • COMPANY would be the best step forward as I transition toward TARGET SECTOR as it offers a focused REASON #2 experience with a real emphasis on KEY CULTURE / POINT OF DIFFERENTIATION OF FIRM. Working on EXAMPLE projects with COMPANY'S clients, particularly on REASON #2 or #3, is where I believe I can best put my skills and experience to use. [Fourth paragraph should focus on why I want to work for this company and/or this sector and give 2-3 reasons that are specific to me]
  • I would be grateful to be considered for JOB role at COMPANY. I look forward to having the opportunity to demonstrate my abilities and motivation in person. [Then close the Cover Letter with a fairly standard ending]
  • Yours sincerely / Best regards,
    First Name LAST NAME [typical closing]
 

Honestly- it's so much and so hard to read. I would shorten it to be more concise and use less "buzz words". Also- at first glance it reads as if you are coming out of undergrad and are applying for an associate role. I'd move your analyst experience reference up to earlier in the letter. Lead with your qualifications and experience rather than your enthusiasm. Good luck. 

Like the unadjusted- only with a little bit extra.
 

Do cover letters actually matter / make a difference to one's application?

 

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