advice: girl using me to get a job - what to do?

I'm an investment banking associate, and met a hot girl on a dating app Tinder. We started messaging and eventually agreed to go out for drinks next week.

After setting up the date she messaged me saying "just to make you aware before meeting, I'm not interested in hooking up. I only matched with you as I saw you're an investment banker and I'm looking to build a network with you as I'm interested in applying to your bank's graduate analyst programme and would appreciate your advice and if you're impressed with my experience and skills to see if you would be able to recommend me to HR?"

I was really caught of guard with this, and I was also quite hurt inside because we met on a dating app and just as I thought a hot girl was finally interested in a potential relationship with me.. it turns out she was only interested in networking for a job. So I replied quite bluntly "well yes I can recommend you if I wanted to, but I don't want to waste my time.. I only want to meet if we can hook up"

Then she replied saying "you only think about hooking up because I'm a woman and ignore the fact I can add value, you should widen your recognition and perspective and stop only thinking about hooking up."

I replied saying "Well we met on a dating app, go to LinkedIn if you want to network"

She replied "yes you're right - but I would still love to meet from a networking perspective, and maybe after if there is a connection between us we can go on a date in the future"

I really have no idea what to do here. Any advice?

Comments (59)

Most Helpful
1mo
NJBM10, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Stay far away brother. Extremely shallow move trying to network on a dating app. Regardless of how hot she is, she is clearly leveraging her looks to claw whatever she can out of you. You didn't match on a dating app to network. Don't mix work and pleasure and definitely don't let her bait you into a conversation with the "possibility" of seeing how compatible you are. Her intentions are very clear. Don't engage

1mo
DisgruntledAppraiser, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Absolutely do not help her out. If you "help" her and she doesn't get the job, who is she going to blame? 

Run as far away as fast as you can. There's about 87 red flags with this interaction already. She began the interaction under false pretenses. There's nothing honest about that. It's Tinder...like you said, if she wanted to network, go to LinkedIn. On the bright side, you now know her motives and you can move on without having to meet her. There is literally no positive outcome from pursuing further interactions here. 

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1mo
chumpchimp, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Go on the date and play her. She stupidly revealed her hand too early so you now have all the leverage. Go on the date, enjoy the meal, enjoy the company and then get her to come back to yours (doubt it will even take much given how desperately she wants this referral). Once you have had your fun, just pretend you have her name to HR and continue living your life. Don't block her, because she might feel played and create some drama though.

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Funniest
1mo
chumpchimp, what's your opinion? Comment below:

stay toxic boys.

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  • 23
1mo
FinnesseGod, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Or... ignore it and move on. 

Why go through all this work just to piss someone off in an incredibly calculated and manipulative way? 

"She Played Her Hand" - You mean... she was honest about her intentions and although misguided didn't lead OP on with false intentions? 

I don't understand this logic in the least. Someone does something dumb, and it consumes you to the point of retaliating in a toxic way? Is your life that empty that you have that much time to dedicate to something like this? 

Rather it be a random Tinder story you tell a buddy. " Yo, this one girl used Tinder like LinkedIn and it went awful" or something lighthearted. 

29d
trying_my_best, what's your opinion? Comment below:

that's not retaliating, least of all in a manipulative and calculated way. @chumpchimp wasn't suggesting that OP lash out at her for being a bitch, he was just saying OP could have some fun and YOLO since now he has the bargaining power. Don't get me wrong, I wouldnt do it due to the IMMENSE consequences it carries (situations that might lead to potential sexual allegations is smtg u shld run away from 11 times out of 10), but he wasn't suggesting any malice

29d
HYPSdropout, what's your opinion? Comment below:

This is how you end up with a SA allegation and fired from your job. Unmatch this girl and never think of her again. You deserve better. 

1mo
bzfracas, what's your opinion? Comment below:

nix that. shes a dime a dozen. dont need that negative energy in ur life brotha. never put ur job titles on apps. just keep school dont need that snakiness 

1mo
GeorgSorosFinanceMaster, what's your opinion? Comment below:

If she was smart she would have gotten the referral and made it seem like there was some possibility to smash, like a carrot on a stick.  But instead she gave it away to early.  She should get better at closing deals before she becomes a banker.

1mo
Pizz, what's your opinion? Comment below:
[Comment removed by mod team]
1mo
FinnesseGod, what's your opinion? Comment below:

If someone did this in my view, it's quite literally the same standard of guys messaging women on LinkedIn with cringey pick-up lines. 

Personally, I would reply: "Try LinkedIn next time." and ignore/remove her. I agree with the above posts that using something like Tinder of all things for networking is pretty shallow and calculated attempt to leverage looks for networking. 

If anything, I admire her honesty in admitting it before you met up and she told you this face to face. Friend had a situation in the past where someone "casually" steered the conversation to career and advice and it was reminiscent of an informational coffee chat. Kills the mood instantly.  

1mo
Mumbles, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Pass on that.

Here's why: she only made her intentions clear after the meeting was set. Had she been honest since the first message, I'd say help her out. I doubt she's on Tinder just to network (benefit of the doubt.) She probably saw your profile and recognized an opportunity greater than hooking up.

Perhaps omit the IB info from your profile unless that's how you're increasing your market value for the dating scene. Could weed out these types of women.

  • 1
1mo
Mr Incredible, what's your opinion? Comment below:
[Comment removed by mod team]
1mo
Pierogi Equities, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I've thought about doing this once, and if I've thought of it, that means it's a really bad idea. Agree with others, best to avoid and possibly block in case of potential HR issues in the future.

Quant (ˈkwänt) n: An expert, someone who knows more and more about less and less until they know everything about nothing.

1mo
UFOinsider, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Your priority is your career.  

Get busy living
1mo
anonguytoibd, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Why is this even a question? Are you out of your mind? Don't be a mark. Un-match and move on. You are playing with fire. What if you go on a date with her and then she tries to threaten to report a sexual assault if you don't recommend her or introduce her others? A person trying to do underhanded networking on a hookup app can't be trusted. This is so obvious that it pained me to write that but obviously it needs to be said for your own good.

1mo
GoingToBeAnMD, what's your opinion? Comment below:

I agree that the catfish potential on this one is pretty high - by far the most likely scenario. 

But the real question is why your actual profession is on your profile to begin with. Don't do that. You should 100% be trying to keep anything about your work as hidden as you can. People have all kinds of reactions to those working in banks and a lot of them are not positive. And I'm not talking just about dating either; any time you are in a social situation or otherwise meeting people for the first time you should be lying about your actual work. People lost their homes to your fund in 2008, people's wages are being garnished by your bank's credit card collections team right now - and you're out there saying what you do for work??? I always tell people, "I work in IT, fixing people's anti-virus and stuff . . ." - never, ever tell a person you don't know your real work. 

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1mo
Miracle1111, what's your opinion? Comment below:

When someone tells/shows you who they are, believe them. I mean this woman isn't shit, but at least she told you what to expect. If you continue to pursue this any further then anything bad that happens is on you. I think you know what you should do. You've already given her too much of your attention, and this is the type of shit that would make me want to make sure she doesn't get the job.

1mo
vclear, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You shouldn't even have bothered to respond. You should have unmatched immediately after that ridiculous message and moved on.

1mo
falconeagle, what's your opinion? Comment below:

OP, as others have said - tell her you're not interested (or just block her) and move on. Please don't be a simp and meet her in the hope that you can win her round (here's a clue - you won't, if she was interested in you and the job she wouldn't have ruled out any type of hook-up).

Also is she someone you would want to meet? Sure she might be hot but as others have said using a dating site as a back door to networking is really low - it comes across as a bit deceitful and very disrespectful. She sounds like a person who has got through life on her looks and will happily use people for her purposes, regardless of the impact on their feelings.

So for your own sake please have some self-respect and don't meet her - you can do much better. Don't waste your time and money on her.

Seriously I've met girls like this and they're not worth associating with. Note that's a comment on people not girls particularly - equally there douchebag guys out there with model looks (and not much else) who also use women. If you were a girl and you'd said a guy had approached you like this online, I'd give them the same advice - tell the person to get lost.

You can do (and deserve) much better OP.

1mo
musitall, what's your opinion? Comment below:

🤣🤣🤣

I can't believe you're being so nice to her and actually responding. I'd send her a gif of a monkey throwing shit, tell her to fuck off, and dip.

1mo
Faustian, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Ghost her. In fact, block her. The last thing you want is for her to misconstrue the conversation to look like you would refer her only if she hooked up with you.

Sounds like a walking red flag. This interaction has significant risk with very marginal upside for you.

29d
SafariJoe, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Anonymous Monkey

I'm an investment banking associate, and met a hot girl on a dating app Tinder. We started messaging and eventually agreed to go out for drinks next week.

After setting up the date she messaged me saying "just to make you aware before meeting, I'm not interested in hooking up. I only matched with you as I saw you're an investment banker and I'm looking to build a network with you as I'm interested in applying to your bank's graduate analyst programme and would appreciate your advice and if you're impressed with my experience and skills to see if you would be able to recommend me to HR?"

I was really caught of guard with this, and I was also quite hurt inside because we met on a dating app and just as I thought a hot girl was finally interested in a potential relationship with me.. it turns out she was only interested in networking for a job. So I replied quite bluntly "well yes I can recommend you if I wanted to, but I don't want to waste my time.. I only want to meet if we can hook up"

Then she replied saying "you only think about hooking up because I'm a woman and ignore the fact I can add value, you should widen your recognition and perspective and stop only thinking about hooking up."

I replied saying "Well we met on a dating app, go to LinkedIn if you want to network"

She replied "yes you're right - but I would still love to meet from a networking perspective, and maybe after if there is a connection between us we can go on a date in the future"

I really have no idea what to do here. Any advice?

Dude, walk away, stop falling for she looks hot, work on your ability to vet women.

SafariJoe, wins again!
29d
Plutonomics, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Many of the posters have given you solid advice and I have nothing more to add there. However, something from your post that struck me is it sounds like you have your firm name on your Tinder profile (her saying 'I'm interested in applying to your bank's graduate analyst programme'). I would remove that ASAP. Two reasons: 1) it avoids future problems on Tinder of people trying to use the app for networking to place into your bank and 2) You never know what one bad date with the information at their hands of your name, job and firm could lead to.

29d
IncomingIBDreject, what's your opinion? Comment below:

 2) You never know what one bad date with the information at their hands of your name, job and firm could lead to.

Assuming OP has a LinkedIn, I don't really see how he could avoid this situation either way.  

Array

29d
Smoke Frog, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Lol, I love coming here, browsing for a few mins, reading posts like this, and immediately feeling grateful for my life.

Thanks man, needed this boost as I'm fighting the flu.

Love that you couldn't help yourself and still has to respond to her instead of insta blocking her.

29d
ConfusedGuru, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You got monkey shit thrown at you, but tbh I feel the same exact way, as messed up as it may seem. 
 

Posts like this definitely make me feel better about being single because at least I've never been played or used by anyone 

28d
Smoke Frog, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Dude I'm used to the hate.

All of my advice or commenting is brusque yet honest, but invariably I will upset someone because when you're super honest you will hurt someone's feelings.

And remember most people using the forums are younger males who are not used to getting called out or have fragile egos to begin with.

I think this is also why reality tv is so popular.

It makes people feel better about themselves knowing what a train wreck or how pathetic others' lives can be.

29d
earthwalker7, what's your opinion? Comment below:

You're lucky she was honest w/ you. It's not a big deal. She's likely on Tinder to hook up and then spotted the opportunity to network. Doubt she was going on Tinder to find networking opportunities (if she is she's a fool). But the fact that she was honest and told you her intentions makes it easy for you to now disengage. Bullet dodged. 

28d
poignant, what's your opinion? Comment below:

Stay well and clear. It's pretty unethical to be networking off the cuff like that from a dating app. Then to bluntly start with the expectation of a referral is overly presumptuous.

I personally wouldn't have responded saying I only wanted to meet up to hook up, but that's me.

26d
Kendall2832, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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7d
Coconut1983, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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7d
PEarbitrage, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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3d
earthwalker7, what's your opinion? Comment below:

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