Everything You Need To Know About Background Checks and Lying on your Resume

As I understand, a lot of you on here are NF peons who attend schools without BB Greek Life and thus you'll probably actually have to apply for work one day (NF). It is for this reason that the Lord has generated a list of Do's and Dont's for what you can and cannot lie about on your resume.

DO: *Lie about your GPA, just don't make it too high or they'll assume you're some type of pussy. About a 3.7 is the sweet spot. If you write 3.9, they'll know you don't pull. *Lie about how many beers you can drink but you MUST observe proper rounding rules. Obviously no guy out there is not going to lie about how many beers he drinks in one sitting and traditional rounding etiquette is to take the number of beers you could probably drink in a night without yacking, and add 12. *Lie about the languages you speak, just make sure they're obscure languages like Croatian or Hungarian. If they ask you to speak them just screech like an autistic child for 90 seconds straight and then stare them dead in the eyes so they know you're a straight shooter. *Lie about your arrest history. They'll probably find out, but Fake ID's and MIPs are frat. The jury is still out on whether driving drunk is F or NF, so it's best to refrain from that maneuver for now. *Lie about your cock size. Just in general. Banks might not ask this anymore, but never say less than 8 inches. It's assumed you're adding two inches so if you say 6 they'll assume it's really 4. If you add more than 4 inches, we know you're lying, but we respect the audacity.

DONT: *Lie about what frat you were in. The number one thing they care about when they run background checks is what frat you were in. If it turns out you were in some NF, botique, GDI frat - they will find out that you don't pull and you will be fired on the spot. *Lie about how many girls you've piped. Once they find out what frat you were in they'll know what your target range should be. No one is trying to hear that "bro you wouldn't know her, she went to a different school" shit. It is, however, okay to round up to the nearest ten, ie, 37 to 40, 49 to 50, 188 to 190, etc. *Lie about were you got your suit from. Department stores are NF, but demonstrated insecurity is even less F, unless it is manifested in the form of alcoholism or domestic abuse. *Lie about how much your dad makes. They're not going to verify your wages from prior employment, because earning your own money is NF anyway, but they WILL verify that your dad is pulling in at least 400 G's a year just to make sure you're not some NF wienerschnitzel neckbeard. *Lie about how good at sports you are. They won't hesitate to take you out to the field on the spot and wear your ass down in a game of tackle football if they think your bullshitting. I've seen it happen before...thrice.