Paradise Is Paradise

You leave your desk at 1:36 AM looking for the bathroom and take a hallway you have never seen before. At the end is a door marked PRIVATE EQUITY. Inside are six guys who look exactly like bankers. One asks where you work. “M&A.” He gives you a sympathetic look. “Yeah, I did that too.” You ask if PE is better. “Way better.” His phone rings, portfolio company missed budget. Before leaving, he points to another door. “Honestly, growth equity is where you want to be.”

You keep walking. Growth equity tells you hedge funds are better. Hedge funds tell you venture is better. Venture tells you startups are better. Startups look exhausted, they tell you corp dev has better hours have a dog and everyone looks exhausted. Corporate development has better hours but half the room is applying to PE. Every room is nicer than the last, and everyone in it is absolutely certain paradise is one door further down.

Then you find GOLDMAN SACHS. A first-year analyst is formatting a page at 2 AM. You ask if he likes it. “Obviously.” He asks where you work, and when you tell him, he looks relieved. “At least I’m here.” Behind him is another door marked EVERCORE. Inside, everyone is debating whether they should lateral to Goldman.

At the end of the hallway is RETIREMENT. One old man is sitting alone in a giant room with no laptop, no phone, no calendar. The second he sees you, he asks if you work in banking. You say yes. His face lights up. He spends twenty minutes telling you about a deal he worked on in 2004, then asks whether your firm hires senior advisors.

You turn around, the hallway is gone. One door remains: PARADISE. You open it and you are back at your desk. 1:36 AM, same coffee, same deck. Your associate looks over, “Where the hell did you go?”

A summer intern beside you asks if he should recruit for PE. Says he heard the work is more interesting, better hours, better upside. He is looking at you exactly the way you looked at people two years ago.

For a second, you think about telling him what is behind the door.

Instead you say, “Yeah. Probably.”

He smiles and opens a headhunter spreadsheet.

A new hallway appears behind him.

Paradise is paradise.