Ranking the Top Egg Preparation Methods by Prestige
Bulge Bracket:
Over Easy: A crispy, cooked outer layer of egg white with a gluttonous, elite gooey yolk. It simply doesn't get any better than this folks. Break that yolk apart on a sandwich, potatoes, toast or bacon to release the gooey, caloric prestige all over your meal - ensuring that every subsequent bite of potatoes or meat you take is covered in a thin, warm layer of prestige.
Sunny Side Up ("SSU"): Similar to the very prestigious Over Easy egg, but entails greater execution risk. By only cooking the egg on one side, yet still pulling off a thoroughly cooked egg white with runny yolk, one is demonstrating an elite level mastery of chefhood. Still tons of gooey, prestigious egg yolk to pour over the rest of your meal, as with the Over Easy egg.
Upper Middle Market:
Poached: Ultimately you're arriving at a similar destination, yolk wise, as the SSU or Over Easy eggs. However, by boiling the egg first you're missing out on that crispy, delicate outer egg white that adds such a vital component of the two aforementioned preparation methods. Moreso, boiling the egg has the tendency to completely suck the flavor out of the egg white. Yolk-wise, as long as you don't over cook it, you're still looking at an egg that is fairly prestigious, but by boiling the egg white you're self-handicapping just a bit.
Hard Boiled: This is a controversial one. While it is true that poor people often eat their eggs this way, it is not an indictment upon the moderately prestigious, who prefer their eggs this way. Presentation is key with this method, as hard boiled eggs have both the opportunity to shift down market and become bottom-tier, or the ability to shift up into the Bulge Brackets. Bulge Bracket level preparation entails a perfectly cooked egg, that cracks apart with ease. The yolk should still be fairly soft but not runny & the egg white moist but firm. Most importantly: it must be served in a gold or glass egg holder chalice. If mashed apart and served as egg salad with mayonnaise, I think it's hard to consider this anything above Lower Middle Market at best.
Lower Middle Market:
Oil Fried: It has potential, but frankly it just doesn't have the fire power that the UMM and BB preparation methods all share. If you're truly cooking a prestigious batch of eggs, you should not need to fry it in oil to add flavor. The warm, caloric yolk is savory enough as is, without the addition of olive oil grease. Moreover, the combination of fried eggs with often oily potatoes/bacon/sausage on the side has potential to cause acne and turn the predominant flavor profile of your meal into grease & oil. Not very prestigious.
Scrambled: Honestly, grow tf up. I get that it's quick and easy, but you aren't 12 anymore guys. You should not be beating your eggs to death in a bowl before pouring them into a pan and scrambling. This method of preparation is by far the easiest for a novice to keep up with, but a master chef would never be caught dead scrambling an egg. Why would you if you possess the unique ability to reliably prepare quality Over Easy and/or Sunny Side Up eggs?
No-Name Boutique:
The Omelet: Truly for dickheads, The Omelet is by far the least prestigious method of preparation for eggs. It misses the point entirely as it is nearly the opposite of an Over-Easy or SSU prepared egg. The whole purpose is to keep the yolk runny, moist and savory so you can prestigiously poor that elite goodness all over the rest of your (presumably elite) breakfast. You are not trying to fry the shit out of your entire egg and wrap it around a bunch of mushrooms, spinach & ham like some disgusting rubber condom that protects the contents within from AIDS.
Thx Associate 1. This is helpful. Few comments below:
In other news, ECM layoffs inbound.
Missing soft boiled.
forgot omurice
Nomura
Scrambled eggs get a lot of undeserved flack because a lot of places cook scrambled eggs as the "American" or hard scramble style (also known as diner eggs). Cook them hot and fast, puling the eggs from the outside as it sets, forming more solid curds and a thoroughly cooked through egg. This leaves the eggs harder, completely cooked, and though soft, but dry. The well done steak version of scrambled eggs.
For the French style or soft scramble style, eggs are cooked over a double boil (glass bowl on top of a bowl of boiling water), constantly whisking the entire duration and throwing in some butter at the end as it finishes. The result is much smaller curds in the eggs, making them a lot smoother, creamier, and richer texture. The rare steak version of scrambled eggs.
For English style, it is somewhere in between. Eggs are cooked over medium heat, stirring a good amount, and being taken on and off the heat for the duration of the cook, a little butter is added in at the end as well. This produces my favorite version of scrambled eggs, has medium sized curds, the eggs are still creamy and smooth like the French eggs, but also a bit softer and more solid bit like the American eggs. The medium rare version of scrambled eggs.
To anyone who thinks the markets are somehow fine, even the ECM associates gave up and decided to start comparing egg cooking techniques
In fairness I've been bottom bucket long before capital markets slowed down. I got promoted solely on the basis of having a nice smile and being "good in front of clients". I am not sure what "good in front of clients" means because normally I just say one or two polite greetings at the beginning of meetings and then flash my nice smile.
We should be ranking egg preparations by how it makes your farts smell. I go for maximum damage each day - 4 hard boiled eggs that I eat at my desk and then I produce massive amounts of sulfur out of my ass in the pit so my colleagues feel sick.