boy am I in a pickle folks

Okay fair warning, this is kind of a long sob story but I really am at my wit's end. Honestly though just skim it, you'll get the idea.

So I graduated in May, strong semi-target/solid target depending on what bank you ask, BS in finance with a shitty GPA (~2.7). I had a TON of issues dealing with mental health/depression/anxiety stuff, even took a semester off for therapy and all that bullshit but I have it more-or-less under control now. Also before you say "well you're a sad lunatic and you don't belong in finance", I did manage to weasel my way into a solid (considering the circumstances) internship junior summer, I loved it and it did wonders for my self-esteem/ability to function in general. Unfortunately they weren't hiring full-time since they were/are in the middle of a bunch of mergers, whatever I learned a ton and got some great references.

I want to get into Asset Management/research, I actually did well in classes geared towards that stuff and it comes somewhat easily to me. Obviously I'm not going to land a research gig with those numbers but I was going to try to do something in the middle or even back office of a bigger AM shop for a few years while I get my CFA and then give it a shot. I'll have no problem handling that. I was also thinking I might eventually do a part-time MSF at my school (standards are lower than full-time plus I'm fairly confident I can make up for my grades with a filthy gmat score) to improve my chances or at the very least set the record straight for a reasonable $64K. But all of that's putting the cart waaaaaay before the horse.

I need to get my shit together vis-à-vis a first job, so what do I do? Is anyone going to hire me? Are people even going to look at my transcripts/care about grades for these kinds of jobs? Do I straight-up lie about it? Do I not put my GPA on my resume? Should I find another career? Am I completely fucked? What's the lethal dose of Ativan? Do I just fake my death and become a pirate? Join the French Foreign Legion? The Contras? Work at Santander??

Seriously bros I'm losing it and I could use some advice. SBs for anyone who says anything even remotely helpful, good or bad. Hell, SB if you even read this fuckin thing.