I apologize for the length of this post, there is a lot for me to cover and I don't want to skip any of the details.
So it finally happened - I received a HF offer out of undergrad. My second offer, to be exact. Although I was pretty sure I was going to accept this offer. It was a quick process and they wanted to complete the standard background check ASAP before I received my written offer letter to sign. Unknown to me was that there was a drug test involved in this background check that needed to be completed in three days. That would have been fine...if my girlfriend of two years hadn't broken up with me the week before and I spent the weekend doing all sorts of morally ambiguous activities....so this was the first problem I had to solve.
I had been in a similar situation a few years earlier when applying for a part-time retail job before I had cooled it on the extracurricular activities. So I did the same thing I did then. I went to a local head-shop and bought fake piss. Couldn't be easier. Just warm it up prior, make sure the temperature is in range, and crotch it when you go to the facility. So about half an hour before my appointment I put the piss in the microwave, and when I take it out there isn't a reading on the temperature strip.
The box said if this happens the bottle is overheated and needs to cool down. So I figure I'm ok then, and head off to the facility. I hoped that by the time I had to deposit it the temperature had cooled within range. I go through the usual routine of emptying my pockets and leaving my hoodie in an exam room while a nurse waits outside the door while I tinkle. I pour the contents into the cup they gave me, and a little into the toilet for good measure, and nothing shows up on the temperature strip still. Fuck. This isn't good. The nurse informs me that this isn't really a normal occurrence and that I'll have to stay in the lobby, drinking water, and take the test again sometime within the next three hours. If I leave the room for whatever reason I automatically fail.
I thought I was totally screwed. This was it. How could I have come so far, done so much work to get an offer, and now see it slip away because of something like this? It took me about 15 minutes to stop shaking in the lobby before I started planning. I had roughly three hours to figure this out, and I had my phone. I could do this. So I hit up my roommate who is also going into IB and is on the same page as me. I inform him of the situation and we hatch a plan. We thought about having him go back to the head-shop and getting a second bottle, but quickly axed it in the interest of time. One of our good mutual friends lives close by, and one of his roommates who is also a friend of ours is super straight edge. Never done drugs, doesn't really drink, and hardly gets laid (though not for lack of trying).
We convince him to pee in a medicine bottle easier than I thought. Our other friend was on the wrestling team and had actually done this before, and he recommended we microwave the real pee for 5 seconds and then wrap it in tinfoil during the transport. The whole squad really came together for this one. But this was the easy part of the problem, and soon enough my friend texted me that he and the boys were at the facility. Plenty of time was left - roughly an hour and a half had passed by now and I was on my third cup of water. The hard part was next - sneaking it in and doing the hand-off undetected.
The lobby I was waiting in was pretty cozy. About a dozen chairs, no TV, but lots of magazines. There was a big open area that looked into the lobby from where the nurses sit, but luckily only two were in today and neither of them had set up camp at reception. In fact, it took me 5 minutes of ringing a bell from when I first showed up to have one come check me in. Anyway, over the time I was there several people had come in and out to do their own tests. I was waiting for a moment where either no one else was in the lobby with me, or someone was busy taking their own test for my buddy to come in.
We finally got a break when a guy was taking a test and the nurse was waiting by his door out of sight from what I was doing in the lobby. I shot my buddy a "NOW NOW NOW" text and he slipped his way in, careful not to slam the door. In less than 5 seconds he handed me the bottle, I crotched it, and he made his way out undetected. I waited a few seconds to see if any alarm bells would ring, but no one ever came. So I signaled to a nurse that I was ready to retest and went back into the bathroom unescorted. I emptied the contents once more, and to my relief I got a reading on the temperature scale. We were in the clear. The nurse confirmed everything was normal, gave me my receipt, and let me go on my way. I felt like I was on cloud nine - I did it! But then I remembered I had forgotten one thing...
During my time waiting I had to dispose of my fake piss bottle. It had been sitting in my crotch for an hour, and since it had a heading pad attached to it was burning my balls. When no one was around I stuffed it behind a cabinet in the lobby, but now I needed to retrieve it. I worried that someone would find it and the nurses would think, "Hm, who did we have today that was sketchy...?" So as I came out of the exam room I went to go retrieve it...only some dude was sitting in the chair closest to it. Fuck. Oh well, gotta double down. I pulled the cabinet back and reached down while muttering some thing like "shit I dropped my pen". I think he definitely knew what I was doing, but he looked like he was going to fail so I doubt he was gonna say anything. I gave him a quick "good luck" and bounced as hard as I can.
A few days later, I got the all clear from the test. We did it! The greatest scheme I've ever pulled off, and I couldn't have done it without my friends. The ultimate irony is, I declined the job offer the test was for various reasons. Luckily, my friends weren't too pissed about it. I had been clean for nearly two years and just found myself in a shitty situation and they came to help. We got a hell of a story out of the whole thing, though!
Mod Note (Andy): top 50 posts of 2017, this one ranks #23 (based on # of silver bananas)
That's a story a la "half baked" -l gotta-- l gotta get a form from a scientist. -Well, how hard can it be, man ? There's gotta be forms laying around. l mean, they are scientists. -What the fuck are you talkin' about, man ?
Pretty remarkable. This is the kind of drive to succeed the HF thought you had when they hired you. Well done.
Was that part necessary to the story?
Yes because he reads this forum and it was critical to developing his character.
Great story! I've done multiple drug tests both for part-time jobs and internships and honestly the people working there seem largely miserable and sometimes I wonder whether they really give a shit about the integrity of the tests. Not that they would intentionally allow for cheating but they most likely aren't really that incentivized to put massive efforts into stopping it.