A Word from BP: No, Silly, That's What It's SUPPOSED to Look Like

Now I think we can all admit that, hey, accidents happen. A guy can easily forget to shut the refrigerator door for a night, or maybe slip off a tricky wet ladder! So, sure ... it's no stretch to think that a couple of good ole boys might forget some cement on important pipes under an offshore oil rig (oopsie!), causing it to go boom boom and create the silliest oil spill in history and make a few naughty sharkies in some weepy little Mexican ocean go up to Happy Heaven.

These things happen. I think SOMEBODY just had a little case of the Mondays!! Nothin' a little elbow grease can't fix, am I right boys?!?!?

So there you are ... you're a goodly big oil company -- the poor victim of circumstances that just happened to create a minor whoopsie-doodle ... and THEN ... then ... some liberal loud-mouths have the nerve to go and uncover the fact that you've been doctoring and Photoshopping images of this totally inadvertent messy mess. For shame!

I mean, who wouldn't do the same thing in that situation, poor lamb. We were just making the images look nice for their close up! For Jesus! (Lord knows you've Photoshopped the devastating size and horrific incidence of your ding-a-ling to make it look smaller and more presentable during sexting!)

And, gee, so what if it just so happens that IRAN got caught in a silly little thing with some fireworks and goofed around with Photoshop? I mean, GOD, Iran has the Adobe Suite, so why's everybody so surprised we, British Petroleum, do too? It's the 90's, people! Get with the program!

So there's an itty bit of oil in the ocean ... it's not like we could drink that water anyway, Mr. Poopie Pants!

And LOOK AT THIS, when Mark Zuckerberg was asked recently about the possibility of Facebook making an IPO, he said, "At some point, sure ... it's probably not that different from [running a public company compared with a privately held one]."

!!!!

After many in the audience laughed at the naivete of this statement (meanies!), Zuckerberg back-tracked. So, there! This really, really rich, really smart, nice young boy doesn't even UNDERSTAND what the bad, bad pressure and awful-hard scrutiny of living up to stockholder expectations is REALLY LIKE. Oh my, what it does to your skin!

It's really, really super hard to be a big public corporation! Like it or not, image is everything. We blame culture. So sometimes we have to make understandable decisions in the best interest of our nice smile shareholders. Because this isn't for us, this is for them. We Photoshop in the name of the people we care about. And we really, really care. Honest Injun! Oops-a-daisy, there I go again! We're just not very good at Photoshop yet, but we'll get better, we promise! We're getting Photoshop CS5 next week when we can scrape together enough pennies! Yay!

Friends?

... You can come to my birthday party ... !

I'll drink your milkshake!?!?