Blowing Off Steam
Had the parents in town for the long weekend. I see them on the big calendar dates for the year: birthday, thxgiving, christmas, maybe easter. We call every now and then. Definitely not the relationship most families have but nothing too sinister. Normally it is pretty light, but their visit was after a family tragedy.
My fiancee had a miscarriage at the beginning of this year, and that wrecked both her and I. She has been devastated, and I have given everything to be there for her as a punching wall and as a support system. The mother obviously carries an enormous amount of emotion in these situations - especially after trying to conceive for a while as in our case - but there isn't much out there for the father. Our job is pretty easy in the child birthing process, but man did the depression train just run over my life.
Anyhow, this was the first time I've seen them since this happened, and they know how bad home life is at the hints I've given. All weekend I'm waiting for them to ask about how she is doing, how I am doing, and fuck maybe even give advice honestly. But did any of that happen? No. They asked if I was going to the US Open, if I had boughten new shoes, and how work was going. I know everyone deals with these topics in different ways, and they definitely were the type of parent to avoid bringing up the birds and bees talk and just hope it worked out for me, but now I just have this rage I need to blow off. Gutted they don't have it in them to talk with me about it, and I refuse to bring it up because they should just know what a downcast moment this is for my finacee and I. I know our parents get old, and that's a whole new chapter in the parent-child relationship, but this is a reminder why my parents and I aren't close. I know I'm not the only one who wishes their parents would just talk to them like people and not children, but I wouldn't know what that's like.
Fuck. That's all I've got.
I’m sorry for you.
To offer my perspective, I’ve found that people have different ways of dealing with stress like this, and unfortunately one method is avoidance. I can tell you it frustrates the hell out of me that my dad can’t have a serious conversation when it involves something he’s done wrong or doesn’t want to deal with. He’ll say the words but he won’t make eye contact, has to weasel in pointless jokes for comedic relief because he can’t cope with difficult situation. It’s infuriating.
This is obviously a very emotional moment in your life, but you don’t get to choose your parents. I’ve had to accept that I can’t go to my dad for emotional support. He just doesn’t understand it.
Something that’s helped me has been to realize that you can’t always get what you need from certain people. When I need emotional support from an older figure in my life, I go to trusted (former) work mentors.
I know it’s difficult, but things do get better and time heals everything. Stay strong
I'm sorry to hear this king, im praying for you
Sorry to hear that man, keep your head high!
Wishing the best for u man!
Sorry to hear you've been struggling so much. I've had to distance myself from my own parents as well because they are so unemotionally involved and show no interest in my personal life, similar to what you wrote.
I would recommend that you read the book "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents". It was written by a psychologist after working with her clients that were affected by their emotionally immature parents. I have personally found it to be very insightful and it made me feel like I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I do. A book isn't a cure but it educated me on why emotionally immature parents are the way they are and suggested helpful strategies to navigate your parents in adulthood.
Wishing you the best.
Sorry to hear man, best wishes.
I'm sorry this happened. I can relate a little bit, and Tim Fletcher's YouTube series on complex trauma have been helpful for me. There are other resources on complex trauma, but I found Tim's videos to be the most insightful and succinct. I'm going to order the other book recommended above.
What did help me above all was to pray for my parents (and especially for my father; "pray for your enemies"). You would be surprised at how quickly that melts away resentment, though it is incredibly, incredibly painful to do. Confronting them and demanding an apology can be helpful as well if you have the opportunity and if it fits your situation. I prayed for him and confronted him and he apologized, and it let the burden go. Hopefully that is something that will be available to you in your situation.
+1 on the parents still treating you like a child despite being an adult and more mature/smarter than them.
Keep your head up - one of my family members had a miscarriage and then months later got pregnant again and have an amazing baby boy and recently a girl. Apparently miscarriages are a lot more common than people think.
Regarding your parents reaction - personally I’m also someone who doesn’t bring up personal matters like this with people. Everyone deals with these situations in different ways and I don’t want people to think they need to talk to me about it. I get that it’s your parents and maybe your relationship is more open, but if you wanted to talk to them about it then you should have brought it up if they didn’t.
I have a similar dynamic with both of my parents as you do with yours. Talk a handful of times by phone a year and see each other every now and then for special occasions. My advice to you is don’t set yourself up for disappointment. If there was never an extremely close relationship to begin with, you shouldn’t expect them to open up now // “make the move”. It’s tough but that’s just how things go unfortunately. Set the bar the low and you won’t be disappointed. Separately, try to use this opportunity to become closer with your future wife and grieve together and continue trying. If you aren’t able to jointly grieve / bond over loss together, that is perhaps a much larger issue than the one with your parents. Best of luck.
This sucks, but there are a lot of angles here. I am sorry for your loss. We went through a late miscarriage, actually on the way to a family Thanksgiving after we had announced the baby to everyone. It was brutal. After that I started to learn how common miscarriages are. We had 2. My former business partner had 6 but also 3 healthy kids. This is such a common thing that no one talks about. It is also terrible to go through, especially on your first pregnancy. Do you know if your parents went through this? That might be part of the communication issue. I found out after our miscarriage that my parents had 3 before they had me. I never knew that prior.
sorry to hear that man wish you all the best in your situation
Miscarriages are very common - very, VERY common. Unfortunately, they are often privately mourned and noted.
Keep your head up, support your partner as best you can, and please try again if that is your goal. Know many couples that have had miscarriages (some after their first child) and have had multiple more healthy, happy children.
All the best to you and your partner.
If you were upset and wanted to talk about it, you could’ve brought it up. They’re your parents.
But to act upset they didn’t address an emotional topic is somewhat irrational.
Sorry to hear my man … happens to the best of us. I went through 2 miscarriages with my wife before successfully conceiving. Through them both i really felt nothing at all but sorry for my wife and a bit angry at myself (one happened in the middle of a deal sprint and I wasn’t reachable) my mom was supportive, dad didn’t even call. Everything was fine until one day i was at the gym squatting and suddenly started sobbing. So give yourself and your parents a break, grief takes its time and manifests differently.
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