Booze: The Cause of, and Solution to, All of Life's Problems

So says Robert L. Miller, a former lawyer and money manager for the SEC who recently avoided a 20-year prison sentence for colluding with Marc Dreier in a Madoff-style ponzi scheme that bilked investors out of $400+ million, by telling the judge that he only did it because he was drunk. Case closed.

Yup. Miller's whole case rested on the fact that he was too drunk to know he was committing a crime. And it worked. Because he's like a chocoholic -- but for booze. I hope you'll join me in a standing ovation for his attorney. Oh, and if you listen closely, you'll be able to hear about 2 million jail cells opening and their occupants being excused.

The real kicker is that he had already plead guilty to conspiracy to commit securities fraud and wire fraud last year. The judge thought that his guilty plea was evidence that he was copping to, and accepting, his crime. Instead, he will live under "supervised release" for two years. What's more Dreier, his partner in crime and -- admittedly -- the mastermind behind the whole plot, will spend 20 years in the slammer.

I imagine the judge saying something like, "Whoa, whoa, whoa now ... DRUNK?!?! I'm sorry Mr. Miller, did you say you were DRUNK when you participated in this half-billion-dollar fraud?? Well, in THAT case, I think we all owe you a sincere apology. Lord KNOWS we can all empathize. How do you think I met my husband? You're free to go."

This is f**king awesome. The next time I have one too many Shirley Temples and drive my Honda through the NYSE, I'll do so with a giant grin on my face.