Day 1: To Be A Better Man
My self-development journey started in May 2010. I was broke, overweight and single. Life became one giant question mark, and for me, it was extremely painful and stressful. I went through an emotional journey to rebuild my identity, get in shape and find a purpose in life. It wasn’t easy but I am glad that I came out stronger at the end. Exactly one year after, I am rightfully employed and pursuing my career. I have lost 45 lbs to a healthy weight at 180 lbs. And my dating life has been going well. What have I learned so far? Here are a few rules I think every "young gentleman" should know...
[ √ ] 1. Having confidence and sophistication
[ √ ] 2. Developing a great habit of reading and writing
[ √ ] 3. Learning how to live with honesty, kindness and beauty
[ √ ] 4. Making friends with people who are continuously improving themselves
[ √ ] 5. Fixing bad habits and developing great ones
[ √ ] 6. Learning how to have patience and to forgive
[ √ ] 7. Staying positive (mentally) and keeping in shape (physically)
[ √ ] 8. Remembering to smile often and being a gentleman
[ √ ] 9. Going after the woman, the love of your life without any regrets
[ √ ] 10. Doing everything you can to get the kind of career you want
[ √ ] 11. Believing that you can be successful both in personal and professional lives
[ √ ] 12. Doing things better than women
[ √ ] 13. Helping your partner to realize her dreams
[ √ ] 14. Learning to have courage and taking responsibilities
[ √ ] 15. Having faith in yourself and learning never to give up
[ √ ] 1. Having confidence and sophistication
As a young man matures into adulthood, he needs to invest in himself. He needs to learn who he really is by figuring out his values in life. The most important quality for a confident man is having “class”. A confident man can weather any storm that life throws at him. He is courageous. He fears hardship and difficulties in life as everyone does. But he “chooses” to face them courageously. He conquers his own fears. When a man is confident you can literally feel him glowing. Friends and enemies alike can feel his presence. If you wanted people to have confidence in you, you must learn to be confident about yourself first. A man with confidence in himself can overcome any adversity that life throws at him.
A man with class is like an ocean. He never rejects others and willing to take people under his wings. He is long term greedy because he sees that there are more to life than short term benefits. He is generous with his time and kindness. My father uses to tell me that a strong man aspires to be a big tree to weather the storm for the smaller and older trees who can’t fend for themselves. A real man uses his power to empower others.
[ √ ] 2. Developing a great habit of reading and writing
When a man is in his twenties, he starts entering into society and learn to deal with others. Learning how to articulate your thoughts elegantly and effectively is the best way to influence others. A knowledgeable man is well-read. A wise man writes a lot. No matter how busy he gets, he always take time to read and write. Because reading and writing is one of the best ways to monitor your own thoughts. When you read, you learn new things. When you write, you have the chance to reflect your thoughts.
Every great man needs a great book. A good book is like a good friend. He can help you to reach your goals. Through reading great works, you learn to organize your thoughts better. I remember Socrates once said, “Employ your time in improving yourself by other men’s writings, so that you shall gain easily what others have labored hard for.” Everything you want in life, someone probably has already dealt with it before. So try to read about their stories and how they deal with their challenges in life, you will find their experience priceless.
Nothing is sexier than a man who is passionate in life. Being passionate is a lifestyle choice. It’s also action oriented. It says that “I am doing something about it.” Then adds on being persistence. A man who is passionately and persistently going after what he loves is truly a man I aspire to be. When a man constantly face challenges in his life daily and keep on working on them, he grows up. He becomes mature. He becomes a grown responsible man.
[ √ ] 3. Learning how to live with honesty, kindness and beauty
When a man is in his twenties, he needs to learn how to face with reality. He needs to live life honestly. It means that he can live with himself and his actions. He doesn’t lie to himself nor lie to others. “Honestly” meant honestly making a living. Honestly putting your nose down the grindstone and keep working for what you want.
Kindness means treating other with respect. And it always means taking care of yourself. Sometimes a little kindness can go a long way. Philosophically speaking, “life is not without beauty, we only need to train ourselves to see the beauty in it.” Life is the same way. Don’t focus on the negatives. You will attract more negatives things in your life. You think life is “unfair” because you can’t face life with positivity. Life is full of hope. When you look up in the sky, you will see the sun gently radiant its warm rays upon you. When you see life in a positive way, you will feel great from deep within.
[ √ ] 4. Making friends with people who are continuously improving themselves
When you are in your twenties, you finally have choices over the kind of people who want to be friends with. In our society, relationship is very important. And your circle of friends can have great impact on your life. A real man needs to have a lot of friends. Most important they have to be friends who want better things for you in life. I remember a famous quote that said,
“Be Selective: I just do not hang around anybody that I don’t want to be with. Period. For me, that’s been a blessing, and I can stay positive. I hang around people who are happy, who are growing, who want to learn, who don’t mind saying sorry or thank you… and [are] having a fun time.” ~ John Assaraf
Because making smart decisions on who you want to be friends with will change your life. My best friend used to tell me “you are average of five people you hang out with the most”. So spend time finding the right people in your life.
“Everyday people shape and influence your life. Find the right people and you’ll be a better person for it. Note: In most case you won’t have to look very hard.” ~ #40, The Rule of A Gentleman
But in order to make great friends, you need to first learn to give. You need to be sincerely got to know them. You need to give them your time, your true friendship and your sincerity. Because people who are really successful and who are really happy inside and out, can see through you very easily. If you were just using them, they will realize it soon enough. But if you truly want to know them and be their good friends, it will pay great dividends later in life. When you really need help, you will find many helping hands. When you are in a battle, you will find many great friends rush to your rescues. These things take time. Most importantly you need to learn to be a good friend to them in the first place.
[ √ ] 5. Fixing bad habits and developing great ones
As you grow up, you need to learn to fix your bad habits. Bad habits are well bad habits. They can be changed. If you have still have bad habits in your late twenties, it will deter your growth. You will miss a lot of great opportunities in life because of them. A few of the great habits I can think of is “being on time” and “keeping your words”. I really value that and it’s one of the yardsticks that I use in making friends.
If you still haven’t learned to rise early, you will never feel the sun warmth in the morning. If you still have not learn to execute your plans effectively and keep dragging on them, you will never get things done. If you were not motivated to learn new things in life, your future will be a very dark one, my friend. I believe that everyone want their lives to be better and to get better in life. To do so, you must constantly evolving.
[ √ ] 6. Learning how to have patience, and to forgive and forget
There are a lot of things that you can’t deal with in life. But you must learn to be patient. You need to learn how to forgive people. I remember Randy Paush (from the book, “Last Lecture”) said, “you wait long enough…. people will surprise and impress you. If you are pissed off at someone,” he said, “you haven’t waited long enough.”
Really successful men are really long term greedy. They are willing to take the hit. They are willing delay short term gratifications because they know that by doing so, they can achieve far greater things in life. They don’t whine or complain. They are only focus on their goals.
You need to forgive and forget not for the other peron who hurt you but for yourself. There is no point of holding such anger towards another person. It will poison your soul. You will get stuck at a point in your personal development. You will not be able to move forwards. In order to evolve further, you need to learn how to let things go. Someone hurted you, do what you needs to protect yourself and move on. Remember, you are doing this for yourself.
[ √ ] 7. Staying positive (mentally) and keeping in shape (physically)
As you grow older, you really need to take care your health. Your body is like a car engine. If you don’t take care of it, eventually things will start breaking down. And your mind is like the gasoline that fuels the engine. You need to put in quality gasoline (positive thoughts) for your engine (your body) to run effectively.
You can get up in the morning and try running every day. It won’t take much of your time. In fact if you were to exercise an hour a day, that’s only 4.16% less than 5% of your time. Would it be worth it to put in an 1 hour a day to really take care of yourself so that you can live longer? Of course it is.
Mentally, you can afford to lose battles in life. But you can’t lose “the drive and the will” to succeed and try. You only truly reject yourself when you give up on yourself. Once you can master your mind, you will be invincible.
[ √ ] 8. Remembering to smile often and being a gentleman
Remember to smile. It shows that you are a positive person. Remember to really smile from deep within. A great smile signals others that you want to get to know them. Don’t look sad and feel like it’s the end of the world all the time. It will only alienate you from other people. People judge you by the smile you put over your face.
People say that the devil is in the details. People usually only take a few minutes to get to know you and how you present yourself matters a lot. You might have missed the opportunities to meet a great mentor, make a great friend, or find the love of your life, just because… yes, because you don’t have a smile over your face. So smile often. :)
[ √ ] 9. Going after the woman, the love of your life without any regrets
It’s human nature to be loved. We all aspire to have someone who accepts us 100%. When a man truly falls in love, he is the most adorable being. When a girl doesn’t know that you are in love with her, take the appropriate time to express your love. You got to at least try. Whether she accepts or rejects you, that’s all depend on how hard you try and whether you guys are destined to be together. You need to understand that every woman wants to be with a man who truly loves her.
A real man understands that love cannot be forced. He needs to know that if she can’t be his partner, he still needs to make sure he doesn’t lose her as a friend, because still maintaining a healthy relationship with someone you love is a wonderful thing. Love is holy because it cannot be forced. Because people have a choice on whom they want to be with. It’s a matter of principle. You have to accept, honor and respect her decision. But if you really tried hard to go after what you want, you will not have any regrets in your life.
[ √ ] 10. Doing everything you can to get the kind of career you want
A real man must been career oriented. His career doesn’t need to impressive or grand. But it must have results. It must be something that he can pride himself of, “I did this on my own. I did my best for this.” A career oriented man, is also a man who wants to win, and also a responsible man. An ambitious man doesn’t want to be conventional. A responsible man, never afraid of hardship. He prides himself on things that he builds with his own hands and that’s make people respect him for what he is made of.
In order to gain something, you must give up something. If you wanted to be successful, you must labor industriously. If you are hesitant to give up something, you are just going to lose more down the road. And you might end up with nothing. I remember reading a quote that said, ”People cannot gain anything without sacrificing something. You must present something of equal value in order to gain something. That is the principle of equivalent exchange in alchemy.” ~ Edward Elric, Fullmetal Alchemist
[ √ ] 11. Believing that you can be successful both in personal and professional lives
A great man is a great manager. He will be able to balance his personal and professional lives. People always say that you can’t have both things in life. In order to do well in career, you must give up your personal life and vice versa. But the most successful people I have met are really well-rounded individuals.
Most of my mentors are Partners, CEOs and Managing Directors at major corporations. They are happily married and have a wonderful family. They make things work because they communicate well with their family about the importance of their work in building the family. In the meantime, they work smarter to make time for their families. And I really aspire to be just like them. I really believe that a happy husband makes the most productive worker.
[ √ ] 12. Doing things better than women
If you were a real man, you need to do things better than women. This is not to say that women are weaker than men. It is to say that women are outshining men because they work harder. If a man were to work as hard as a woman, he can definitely do better. In today’s society, women have begun to have higher socioeconomic status and they finally have a choice on who they want to be with.
So if you were a man and you can’t do better than her, why would you she picks you? So as a man, we got to try harder. A friend of mine (Irene) told me that, “I want my man to be like my back-rock. I want him to be strong and reliable so that I can count/rely on him. I need him to be physically strong and emotionally mature.” That sticks with me.
[ √ ] 13. Helping your partner to realize her dreams
As a grown man and if you were married, you also have responsibility to help your partner to realize her dreams. Because that’s what a real man does. Someone said, “A man needs to take over the world to conquer a woman. And a woman need to conquer a man to take over the world.” That being said, for a woman whom you have sworn to protect, its only logical for you to help her realize her dreams.
You can’t let her forget about who she wants to be or where she needs to be just because she decides to be with you. You can’t let her make you the top priority in her life that she forgets about herself. Behind every great man, there is a great woman. Similarly, a great women is the core of a man well being. Whether a woman feels happy in her marriage really depends on whether a man cares about her. And a really caring and understanding husband knows what his wife’s dreams are. Most importantly, he actively help her to realize her dreams. That’s makes him a great husband that I aspire to be.
[ √ ] 14. Learning to have courage and taking responsibilities
As you grow older, you need to take responsibilities. You need to learn to put the weight of the world over your shoulder. Yes you must first learn to take care of yourself. Then taking care of your parents is your job. Loving and caring for your wife and children is your responsibility. Building a successful career is also a man’s job. So a man’s job is not just about taking care of his family and building his career but learning to deal with the weight of his responsibility. That’s because a real man have the courage to shoulder the responsibilities. And there is nothing to complain about because that’s what being a man is really about.
A man can cry but he doesn’t have the rights to grief loudly. A man have the rights to shed tears, but he doesn’t have the rights to do that in front of his parents, his wife and loved ones because if he falls down and breaks down, who else can they rely on? A man has the rights to give up, but he doesn’t have the rights to give up on his family and his career. As a real man, you have no choices but to shoulder your responsibilities.
[ √ ] 15. Having faith in yourself and learning never to give up
As you grow older, you have to learn to have faith in yourself. Because you allow people to reject you when you reject yourself first. If you never give up on yourself, people will not give up on you. You have to believe with everything you have that you are a man who can raise against all odds and adversities. If you don’t even believe in yourself, you have already lost the war.
So believe in yourself. You are unique and great. You can do anything you want in your life, if and only you put your heart and mind to you. Most importantly, never give up. When a door closes, another one will open. You just have to keep moving.
My Story:
Part 1: My Pursuit of Happyness
Part 2: My Pursuit of Happyness
See my previous posts in this series:
Day 1: To Be A Better Man
Day 2: Healthy Competition Among Mature Men
Day 3: I HATE YOU
Day 4: SWAG, Do You Have It?
Day 5: Word of Advice
Day 6: 10 Important Life Lessons
Day 7: Unofficial Guide to Banking & Dating
Bonus: Previous Useful Posts
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Totam molestiae velit et qui eius ab magnam. Ducimus et provident ut error sequi.
Quisquam beatae et aut numquam nobis. A voluptatem beatae et corporis voluptate voluptas. Omnis voluptate explicabo quisquam voluptas quidem nisi dolor. Repellendus dignissimos amet et.
A quia eligendi numquam autem voluptatem voluptas. Praesentium est ab et voluptate laudantium dicta eum adipisci. Non eligendi recusandae illum. Modi commodi ut nisi deserunt. Placeat quidem aut est molestiae tenetur sit id ut. Dicta impedit commodi dolorum sit. Laboriosam eaque corrupti labore officiis vitae.
Eum delectus eum omnis quis dignissimos nulla placeat. Repudiandae voluptatem mollitia sed. Dolores et id harum aut maxime repudiandae.
Vel at voluptas aliquam voluptatem. Quia ducimus excepturi explicabo adipisci. Quisquam non eveniet qui. Sunt nesciunt sequi iste. Ea reprehenderit nobis vel architecto rerum delectus.
Enim a fuga officia voluptatem illum velit. Et omnis praesentium qui ea quis magnam. Tenetur consequuntur illum quod aut. Provident ipsam rerum repellat et corporis.
Vel corrupti iusto suscipit sunt voluptate. Enim soluta repudiandae dolor nulla vitae eveniet culpa. Fuga odit voluptatem et voluptatem. Sapiente at aut velit consequatur. Provident veniam voluptas ipsum et rem et quisquam deleniti. Minima fuga enim quo adipisci quos placeat odio. Debitis soluta placeat dolore officia officia harum.
Voluptas et soluta dolor recusandae dicta vitae. Omnis et placeat et maxime voluptas. Sint repellat architecto qui. Voluptatum enim laboriosam et.
Velit magnam recusandae dolore. Esse tenetur dolore eum. Quis eos illo vel voluptatem aspernatur. Sed iure enim debitis quam et. In rerum suscipit et placeat voluptatum et. Culpa eaque et saepe vel quae. Placeat placeat sapiente sit tenetur facilis sequi vitae.
Quibusdam assumenda architecto a dignissimos repellendus deserunt. Illum ut enim veniam iure et minus.
Amet voluptatem officiis perferendis necessitatibus nobis impedit sunt ea. Explicabo occaecati sequi voluptate explicabo in. Sunt repellendus eos ut nemo voluptas sed voluptatem.
Iure at nam veniam optio. Eius a culpa et ullam ea labore sit. Qui sit similique perferendis hic quaerat reiciendis est. Aliquid quasi sunt soluta exercitationem. Ipsum dolorem neque officia quidem omnis debitis quibusdam. Enim dolorum sequi dolorem sint molestiae earum labore.
Saepe aut ducimus vitae temporibus aut ut nostrum. Blanditiis vero labore consequatur aspernatur quis in. Necessitatibus corrupti corporis labore corporis incidunt perspiciatis. Doloribus ut aut voluptas. Ex qui illo dignissimos in sit et quisquam.
Reprehenderit ullam et eum modi voluptatem. Corporis et voluptatem dolore rerum et fuga.
Aperiam aut vel vero velit magni non illo natus. Quis et temporibus consectetur non voluptatibus fugiat molestiae. Corrupti distinctio ea sit. Libero fugiat magnam sint dolorem. Et quidem molestias dolores nemo doloribus sunt quibusdam.
Ipsam quis ut voluptas soluta aut. Quasi voluptatem dolor nulla id ullam est. Consectetur illo accusantium aut id tempora et. Quis vero vel est.
Dicta fuga illo voluptatem molestiae dignissimos veniam aliquid. Laudantium ullam enim sed non provident. Perspiciatis sequi perspiciatis sunt asperiores dolore quaerat alias numquam. Nulla sequi quis ipsa assumenda debitis. Impedit saepe quos recusandae ratione dolor rerum.
Dolor autem deserunt officia officia neque magni consectetur. Et modi error reiciendis omnis et eum. Reprehenderit incidunt dolores ea. Quia sunt quae voluptatem soluta et veniam. Cum expedita quia beatae consequatur neque repellendus in.
Accusamus est cum aut fuga. Dolorem perferendis assumenda ex ullam laboriosam aliquam. Cumque non ut numquam. Et tenetur quam enim similique at dolores magnam nihil. Voluptates est expedita repellendus quaerat dolorem et. Qui aut recusandae saepe repellendus libero.
Consequatur eos voluptatem labore dolores sed maiores. Cum quia ut magnam maiores cum. Eos voluptatem dolor voluptatum corporis fugiat debitis voluptas voluptas. Aut laborum veritatis provident qui veritatis sed assumenda. Voluptate nostrum vel sit dolorem.
Cupiditate fugit nihil repellendus doloribus blanditiis. Enim repudiandae corporis eum ipsam. Magnam minus laudantium quasi assumenda reprehenderit natus debitis. Laudantium officiis ut cumque quo quo nemo ut. Labore est ut asperiores dolores nobis eligendi qui. Quas non itaque non quam eligendi odio error.
Consequuntur laborum non molestiae et sed aut consequatur. A voluptatem laboriosam exercitationem odio et omnis. Voluptatibus aut delectus qui architecto facere. Recusandae suscipit fuga ipsam voluptate alias quis et. Nihil dolorem consequuntur est illo quam vitae qui. Ab cum ut est qui itaque.
Quibusdam assumenda consequatur provident animi. Magnam velit ea deserunt voluptatem. Qui blanditiis non doloremque dolorem sequi in. Non amet rerum sunt accusantium sit.
Tempore explicabo et et dicta quos nam. Molestiae dolorum excepturi et qui ipsam ratione veniam. Quis dicta veritatis quam rerum sapiente quod. Nesciunt pariatur iusto debitis consequuntur ab.
Minima eligendi natus debitis. Ex repellat iure recusandae in omnis. Laboriosam et repellat voluptas qui. Dicta numquam eum error vero commodi error voluptatem. Quis est minus quas perferendis. Et optio quisquam animi eaque. Aspernatur cum facere sit id ut ex.
Praesentium maiores molestias porro harum. Quaerat neque et a minima sed quo. Quaerat nostrum ut quod assumenda.
Mollitia in voluptatem non inventore. Quia eum soluta odit id dolor nobis. Nihil dolor amet consequatur.
Saepe voluptates maiores ab earum non nam. Alias commodi iusto voluptatem enim.
Assumenda voluptatem sed omnis ut. Ratione labore reiciendis qui facere voluptatem sunt ipsam. Illum mollitia ex quidem eum quia tempore corporis.
Ut nesciunt ut ut quia. Vitae temporibus velit et quasi non incidunt. Sequi voluptas sit enim aut esse quaerat. Recusandae nulla magni ab non et. Reiciendis eos sit non. Temporibus cumque perferendis ut et libero perferendis.
Vitae pariatur quo voluptatem ratione. Reiciendis modi maxime impedit sit. Numquam enim unde dolor soluta debitis eius voluptatem consequuntur. Et quaerat enim explicabo vitae dolorem cum est. Consequatur quidem ut culpa et dignissimos amet enim perferendis.
Sint nulla optio voluptatem corporis pariatur iure porro. Vero illo dolor rerum aliquam. Sunt quod dolores tenetur labore sed ratione nam. Ut quidem non eos quibusdam est enim. Cum aut accusantium voluptatem et.
Itaque culpa tempore necessitatibus. Voluptas corporis quia ut eius. Nostrum et provident officiis laborum sint porro laboriosam. Dolor aperiam aut repudiandae qui voluptatum nemo harum.
Ipsum minus vero dolorem unde praesentium perferendis. Vel aut voluptas non sint tempora. Occaecati in perspiciatis nulla tenetur dolorum aut. Earum necessitatibus consectetur voluptatibus minus perferendis labore neque. Quaerat aut doloremque veniam sint voluptas repudiandae. Est vitae alias itaque rem numquam alias.
Illo non aspernatur voluptatem harum soluta molestias. Optio maiores et voluptate sed eos doloremque. Repellendus itaque aut delectus fugiat voluptatum qui esse.
Sapiente voluptatem deserunt atque maiores eos quis soluta. Eos est ut non ex. Sit sed omnis non vitae possimus accusamus amet.
Et iure maxime quo voluptatem et corrupti. Tempora enim officiis qui est voluptatibus occaecati provident. Voluptatum ut quo laboriosam provident ex minima quod. Quis et aliquam modi consequatur eum quia consequatur.
Eos ut non doloremque dolorum molestiae rem. Consequatur eaque eum nulla nulla. Aperiam fuga et ullam alias velit veritatis assumenda et. Natus et ipsa assumenda accusamus cupiditate.
Magni doloribus qui amet quis ipsam libero et. Qui illum alias et rerum fugiat voluptatem voluptatibus. Rerum cum doloribus sint rerum illo tempora. Culpa sed saepe repellendus voluptatem. Est ipsam rerum enim quia soluta eligendi. Recusandae libero quam at aspernatur ratione omnis. Reiciendis ipsam in qui minima perferendis magni cum.
Nihil mollitia qui quo ut voluptatibus error vitae. Alias quidem cupiditate eum possimus accusamus quasi nobis harum. Veritatis repudiandae asperiores qui sit ratione fugiat at.
Ab quia natus eum in libero. Quam temporibus sit dolor debitis.
Libero et praesentium ducimus culpa veniam. Porro aliquam autem eligendi impedit in amet earum. Nesciunt rerum non accusamus modi itaque et ducimus. Suscipit molestiae consectetur repudiandae alias fugit illum.
Facere consequatur mollitia consequatur corporis soluta sed. Hic illo quo magni neque. Distinctio natus placeat iusto consequatur optio consequatur illum. Hic deleniti eligendi quo repudiandae corrupti. Fugiat error suscipit aut beatae ad ipsam. Dolore qui ut et eaque. Alias ut placeat esse sunt.
Enim aliquid doloremque doloribus sit quis illum. Non illum vel blanditiis eaque harum temporibus commodi a. Odit id similique porro repudiandae occaecati alias tenetur consequatur.
Doloribus ad qui eos est dolorem ea quis. Rem unde ex ex dolores. Tempore quibusdam quaerat consequatur iure. Nihil quos porro qui deleniti et aliquid aut.
Consectetur et eius consequatur velit. Quod quae aliquid similique ducimus aspernatur mollitia laborum. Occaecati hic itaque explicabo assumenda. Nostrum atque reiciendis illo. Ut ea voluptatem dolor.
Id dolorem mollitia qui. Perferendis amet eaque doloribus. Atque magnam ut amet et ea. Totam possimus distinctio autem dolores quisquam sint.
Eligendi sint aut aperiam dolor optio. Et reprehenderit error illum quasi quidem ipsa sint. Maxime ducimus vitae minus voluptatem officia sed quos.
Quidem voluptas omnis voluptatem. Et labore inventore minima dolorem quo.
Autem quis ipsa qui optio atque. Est quasi totam iure facilis. Ipsum aut vel mollitia nisi veritatis. Sed fuga id nisi ab omnis. Dicta est dolorum iusto consequatur voluptatem ex et. Assumenda nobis ut non et quia. Et et qui enim ducimus eius et.