Dentist Visits Are a Waste of Time!

Let me preface by saying I was born with a full set of perfect teeth and so the whole dentist thing has always seemed unnecessary to me, the kind of medical care that people get basically just to demonstrate that they have money, like how New York Jews all go to therapy.

A little more backstory: I hadn’t been for so much as a cleaning since I was probably 16 or so. Luckily, I found a place that offers complimentary sedatives to go with all exams and cleanings. However, the dentist was was a woman, so I was feeling pretty sketchy about it to begin with. I found out later you don’t even need to have a dental procedure to get the sedative. You can just go in and sit in the chair for an hour and get high as fuck. I’ll keep this information in my back pocket.

So I’m in the office, treating myself to a vintage Playboy, waiting for this broad to hop to it, and the sedative isn’t kicking in yet, so I only have the bare minimum in my system, which is a little bit of bourbon and whatever the byproduct of Adderall and bourbon is. In comes the hygienist, who I swear is just put there as a challenge from the dentist to not get a hard on.

I pass the challenge because just when she gets fist-deep in my mouth and I think I’m going to pass out from thinking of the Pledge of Allegiance so hard, the pill they gave me does its thing and I start getting tunnel vision and thinking about how nice and relaxing a stogie would be if only my mouth were available.

Next thing I can remember, the hygienist is gone, the dentist in the room, I can’t close my mouth, and she’s on the phone, talking to, presumably, a male dentist who actually knows how to do his job. Bitch is actually phoning in support. Now, I know for a fact that there’s nothing wrong with my teeth, so what could possibly be the fucking matter?

Well, it turns out that during that time, she had actually started performing a root canal on my blameless and powerful mouth, which was fully unnecessary. She chopped around in there for awhile, of course not finding anything to fix, which was when she stuck a damn cotton ball in my mouth and called someone smarter.

Now I’m in pain (the dumb whore wouldn’t even write me a script for Vicodin) and missing work, so naturally I’m also drunk. I would like to sue, but I can’t put together an argument, since I was the one who was apparently shouting “give me that root canal!” as the dentist walked in. But come on, I was blacked out. I’m sure I’m not the first person this has happened to.

Moral of the story: go to a male dentist? Brush your fucking teeth right and floss and avoid the whole thing? I don't know.