PhD depression
Half a year ago I was not happy with my job and thought about quitting. Coincidentally a professor at my undergrad institution emailed me and asked if I would like to re-join his research group and that he has sorted all the stipend and International fees for me. I was like "fuck it, I have options and fuck this company". I submitted my resign letter the same day.
I am now back to the uni and doing just OK. However, there is a lot of things that I did not consider well before starting. Stipend (£1300 a month, more than enough as the uni is in a cheap city) is less than half of what I made, having no friends, being disrespected and feeling old (I am 24 now, will be 27/28 when I finish). Being in a foreign country also does not help (dual nationality, but never feel like home here). Tried to find my first girlfriend but have never been successful, I kept my virginity for 24 years pretty well yeah? Not sure it is to do with my race (asian), but I do not think it is.
I am living in a student dorm and most of the people living here are 17/18 year old college (I mean college in the UK, like community college in the US) students. I am too old and do not have much in common with them. There is literally nothing I enjoy in life, no hobbies, no nothing. I also have a poor relationship with my parents (not in the same country also does not help). I always dream of working in IB/consulting as they seem to be the fancy and respectable jobs (which is why I love browsing this forum). I also wanted to do a MBA to maybe change my career/help me get a managerial role in chem/pharma, but it seems like it will never happen.
Not sure what will happen next, maybe I have got depression, I dunno.
School should have a wellness center for counseling. Use the resource. Get involved in clubs on campus, even something like spelunking or skydiving.
We all go through a slump. Sometimes it is clinical depression, but not always. Try to look on the bright side. I mean, you could be depressed grinding on a ppt deck in IB.
The uni's counselling service is crap. I do not see any point in joining that waiting list... maybe I will get a booking after I graduate. There are not many clubs in the uni. For those that exist, they are usually sports ones. Recently another student in my research group invited me to go to the gym with him, I might do.
most definitely hit the gym with that research student. not sure what your background is, but 99% of gym go-ers are very friendly people. It might not seem like it since we're in the zone during workout, but most are up for a friendly conversation.
When you go consistently, you'll start seeing the same people at the gym. Maybe the other student can introduce you to others there
Join an MMA gym (Muay Thai / BJJ).
Go on Tinder/Bumble/Hinge and flex that PhD candidacy to get a girlfriend
Dating app sure... but PhD candidacy means nothing lol, especially it is not top 5 UK school.
what field is your PHD candidacy in?
Chem, what I do is material science related.
Your PhD is relevant for pharma type groups as you yourself noted. Don’t get an MBA as it’s worthless when you already have a PhD. I know several managers and even directors with PhDs alone-nobody expects you to do another 2 years of schooling and 150k more in debt when you already have a useful PhD.
Don't think race has anything do with it in the UK anyway. May or may not be harder but literally, every Asian guy I know doesn't have any particular issues with girls and you'd be surprised just how many white guys have problems with it too. I wouldn't glamorise IB/Consulting, in reality your quality of life will probably decrease due to the inane hours. If you struggled to have a social life before, you will struggle even more after.
I did chem myself before starting IB so wishing you the best.
not going to comment on PhD life because when I traveled the world to find a PhD, I found it wasn't for me. Personally I don't think it would have added any value to my career (an MBA would have done the trick).
The UK is very diverse/international, has many cool job opportunities and an interesting lifestyle. What it often does not have, is the ability to make people feel like "home". What you mentioned in your post is something I hear all the time from international colleagues (most of them Indian in Finance), from people at the gym, from friends who visit or do internships. They all say that the UK is a great place to be - but even after years of living there they barely have any friends, everyone is single, and some even try to get out as quickly as they can. Most internationals I know are friends with other internationals, not with locals. All the local girls I personally know would never go out with someone "who has a foreign accent" - I was told many times (I also have an accent, BTW).
I know Asian friends who say life in Canada or the US was way better (more "social") than in the UK or in Europe.
Not sure why that is.
Europeans are polite folks, but they to tend to be a bit more reserved than North American people (maybe out of politeness?).
Regarding dating: I am white and male, so don't know what other ethnic groups face - but among all my international friends I have to admit that everyone "dates within their own race or religious groups". Which is a shame, I thought London would give me a more international group of friends, like NYC did.
Outside of London (where I bought a house), pretty much everyone around me is 99% White English, they don't have the vast options London would give them in terms of diversity, jobs, dating, etc. - and I also think they would want that. Different mindset.
I’ve lived here for 7 years, and most of the “friends” I had are locals, don’t see any problem with racism in normal social life except when it comes to female having “preferences”. I do agree UK is very diverse and it is nothing like other western countries in terms of racism (I do get verbally harassed once a month on the street though).
The sad truth is I am not able to make friends with people from my home country, like only 1 in past 7 years and that was my colleague. I used to have a very close female friend and there is pure friendship. We would sleep together (literally sleeping) and talk about things, career goals, life etc and definitely helped me learn about things here when I moved here at 17…but she moved to another country for her job. It’s kinda sad.
I am US American, White, and even I had to hear quite a few anti-American things hurled at me. Most of my White, local friends are ultra-conservative and maybe that is where the gist of my post came from. Behind closed doors I have heard and seen too many things in many countries I really don't want to post or speak of again. I don't think most countries are as liberal and open-minded as they seem on the surface.
Not everyone is like that, I am sure.
i.e. I was called a racist (because I am White and from the US), a redneck (didn't even know that term existed in the UK), and ignorant (apparently all US Americans are like that?). None of those were said by strangers, ironically, but by people who I knew already.
To be fair I didn't account for the international/accent part of the picture. All my Asian friends are British.
I think if someone is born/raised in a country it would really change the outlook on that place. It is more of a "home" to that person from a cultural and personal perspective. Most of the British people I know have friendships that go back to their days at the kindergarten or elementary school. This is a common theme also in other European countries, people go way back.
If a young professional or student comes to England (regardless of accent or race), I think it would be considerably harder for them to make friends as adults. It's just how the situation is, and that would be the case in many places, not just the UK. If you then add how quickly people get married and have kids in some places... they'd also disappear on you if you can't join that lifestyle. Most of the people I knew a few years back are now married with kids and simply don't have the time for their unwed friends because they are too busy with their kids' activities.
Anecdotal but I know Eastern Europeans and other foreigners who face more racism from other foreigners in the UK than from British people.
In my opinions, on average British people are less racist than mainland Europeans. I have heard horror stories of racism against Eastern Europeans in Germany for example.
But still it's definitely easier to fully integrate in USA or Canada than in the UK.
I completely agree with this. The British culture is probably the most welcoming in Europe.
But nothing in Europe will ever be like the North American lifestyle, where complete strangers would invite you to their barbecue, random colleagues invite you to their wedding, or when you can have small-talk with someone waiting in line and exchange contact details. All of these things happened to me in both the US and Canada.
I would never say that Europe has to be like that or people should change - but it can be very difficult to feel like you are a part of society at times...
edit: I have friends in Germany and they all say that it can be perceived as a very cold, hostile culture. It is possible to be friends with the locals, but it may take a lot longer than elsewhere. And there is nothing wrong with that either, it is just how the culture is.
What kind of job did you leave? Were you in science before doing research or something?
My first job is a development analyst - working in a pharma designing/improving synthesis route and work with chemical engineer to troubleshoot things on site etc.
Second job is with agrochem/veterinary medicine etc, which is the one I quit before doing my PhD.
Consulting is very doable out of a PhD program
Banking also possible, though less common imo
But honestly... getting these jobs may make you momentarily happy, but at the end of the day you're the same person - except you're working a lot more hours. You may be even more miserable.
Find the things that make you happy. You may need to experiment a lot. Play sports. Take dance lessons. Join a student club (even better: become an organizer). School is the best time to develop yourself, meet people, find a significant other etc. Don't waste that time.
Become Peter Sullivan (Zachary Quinto's) character from margin call - rocket scientist turned finance or Ted Jiang (Stanley Wong) from The Big Short.
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