The Women I Date Made My Career Banker Mom Cry

Curious situation, coming to the council for guidance-

Currently a Jr at respectable NY shop and have no plans of leaving, I’ll probs stay in IB forever and I’m 100% ok with that.

Have plenty of family across the industry, most notably my Mother has been a career banker herself and is currently Coverage Exec at a BB (JPM/Citi/BofA) in the Tier 2 city I grew up in (Boston/Chicago/LA). She’s the reason I’m in banking and we’ve always had a good (albeit distant at times) relationship. We speak daily and she’s been great support helping me through the first few years of banking. Make no mistake she wasn’t making dinner, driving me or siblings to practices, or helping with homework at any point in my childhood but I knew she worked hard, respected her for that, and hold absolutely no grudges, consciously.

Looking back, growing up and in college I always dated women like her (4.0/D1 athlete/type A/etc) but since moving to NY I’ve exclusively dated the Nurturing/Pilates/Soft-girl types. She met the latest (latter) on her last visit to NY and next convo over dinner went like this:

Mom: “Olivia (fake name) is a nice girl, she’ll want to be a SAHM/Housewife though”

Me: “that’s fine, she’ll be great at that”

Mom: “don’t you want a woman on your level who challenges you blah blah blah”

Me: “That’s ridiculous, work challenges me plenty, want to relax when I’m offline”

Mom: “You wouldn’t marry a professional? What do you think of my career path?

Me: “I wouldn’t marry another banker, no. It’s nice having someone that can take care of the home stuff”

~Silence~

Wasnt thinking clearly when I said it and immediately felt the pit in my stomach for how she’d interpret that one and for one of the only times in my life I saw her tear up. Reflecting afterwards and after a few years in the industry myself, I think I shattered the decades-long imagine she thought i held of her as a career boss-lady to neglectful mother, which 1) not what I think 2) isn’t fair to her at all as my father didn’t chip in to help any domestic duties either.

We’ve spoken since but it’s been hollow, she’s really off her game. Get the feeling she’s a bit shaken from the whole encounter and I really hurt her feelings like I haven’t before. Speaking with siblings on how to course correct but if someone else has been in a similar situation and gotten through please let me know.

EDIT: My mom is not single you heathens

8 Comments
 
Most Helpful

Assuming this is serious and you have a good relationship with your mom, this sounds like a fairly easy fix. 

Call her up and directly address what you said. 

In it state 

  • you want to clear the air as you feel like you may have said something that didn’t convey the right message as to how you feel about her 
  • That you have always respected and admired, your moms career, the effort she’s put, how she provided for your siblings and how she’s supported your career 
  • Just because you may end up with a girl who does not want as demanding a career as your moms that doesn’t mean you view your mom’s choice to be a banker as a negative nor does every person in a demanding job require a partner in an equally demanding job. Side note, the ugly truth about demanding careers is that one of the partners in a relationship usually has to take a less demanding job because its usually logistically very hard and hard on the family for both parents to be working banker type hours/ demands.
 

Only read like the dialogue part but you did not do anything wrong and should not be shamed into apologizing for having very reasonable preferences

 

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