An Open Letter to Southerners: Why Do You All Dress Like Shit?

Seriously, what is it with you people? What is with the tacky alligator skin shoes, the clunky cowboy boots, the occasional ill-appropriate bow-ties? Why do you wear pants that aren't navy or grey? Is it something in the water down there that cultivates an affinity for tacky pattern blazers and mismatched dress shirts? Are the large trucks a compensation for your infrastructure?

 
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Listen, my sister doesn't care how I dress as long as I'm still the best kisser in all of Boone County. Praise Jesus, Praise Trump, Praise tarrifs. And keep your government hands off my medicaid, I earned that disability payment.

 

Yeah, it takes jobs from China and ROBOTS (and especially Chinese robots) and puts them back in good American factories

 
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Pretty confident that if you posted a few pictures of what you think looks great would be criticized by some, too, so thanks for the cultural disparagement. I suspect that if you went to any areas outside a big city in flyover country (including the Midwest) you'd find they all dress relatively similarly. But then I'm just a dumb redneck/hillbilly/yokel, what could I possibly know about the world beyond my farm?

  1. If you have ever seen more than 1-2 people wearing alligator skin clothing, you're hanging with the wrong crowd on/near the Gulf Coast. In the actual South (new or old) this just doesn't happen except as part of a costume. Sorry.

  2. You can say whatever you want; a good pair of boots are the most comfortable shoes out there. They don't belong as part of the everyday wardrobe, but on a regular basis they are entirely appropriate in terms of style and comfort. The ones worn for style, however, are rarely the same ones worn work. If you're referring to people wearing boots with suits... then, again, you're talking about Texas and not the rest of the Old South where "cowboy" boots are RARELY seen in a professional atmosphere. Sorry.

  3. Let's not pretend bow ties only happen in the South. I have never seen them not mocked incessantly when worn outside of a formal setting. Why would you want to wear a tie of any sort at all???

  4. Dude, if you're saying the only pants that should be in the closet are navy and grey then, whatever. De gustibus non est disputandum. There are things that can go with khaki, camel, brown, etc. Get over it.

  5. Again, let's not pretend that only people in the South don't match their shirts/pants/ties/belts/shoes or wear funny jackets sometimes.

  6. Large trucks are stupid. 90% of people who drive them don't need them.

"And where we had thought to be alone we shall be with all the world"
 

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