Starting this thread for the younger monkeys out there... I think I've reached a point where I respect/love my parents but question some of their decisions, opinions, etc.
I'm around 30 and I have stopped taking some of their old fashioned, risk averse, boomer advice largely because I'm at a point where I have achieved meaningful net worth and am making bigger decisions for myself. Perhaps I wish this happened sooner but I would like to think that I operate independently of their opinion. However, I feel blessed with how I was raised on a few factors but fear as if I was subconsciously influenced by people I don't necessarily want to be.
Interested in hearing some opinions of your relationship with parents that do not have aligned views. An awareness of this is important but as long as my parents are alive, their influence will continue to persist.
I listen to them on certain things. However, I don’t listen to them or take their advice into account on other topics - it’s a balance. I love and respect them, always will, but there are things they don’t quite understand and some pretty severe differences of opinion have risen between us. Hasn’t blown up yet, but probably will in the near future when I can be fully independent. This will naturally create distance between us. I’m 21 btw.
A blow up is not an inevitability. As you continue to grow and become fully independent, you and your parents are capable of agreeing to disagree on specific issues or life philosophies without it negatively impacting your relationship. It may not be easy - especially if the personalities involved are abrasive - but it isn't impossible.
I hope you’re right. I’d hate for us to not get along in the future. Don’t want to get into the details of it all, but differences arise between us from religion and culture. They are very religious and I’m not, haven’t really had a conversation with them on the topic (yet) but again I hope you’re right and they can just accept the fact I am not religious.
about 15.
started smoking weed and going to parties. had "cool" friends. thought they were boomers.
im 22 still not listening to them because they have no education and dont understand career paths. they're proud of me and already think i've made it even though im sort of mid/back office in wealth management (yes yes i know my badge says asset management stfu)
But what i notice is, the older I get - the more I listen to them. They are quite smart and I admire their hard work, consistency and reputation that they have built. Perhaps we all go through a teenager cycle where we don't take them seriously for 10 years and then we ask them for more and more advice?
idk i'm off to a phone call with them now
I went through the defiant bad boy phase as well and my parents didn't grasp it because they were too poor to party in high school not because they are strict. I always interpreted that as the case but respected their advice on schoolwork, college admissions, and ultimate career aspirations.
However, I wish earlier I realized that ultimately it was solely up to me to help myself instead of leaning on my parents for their guidance. I sadly see 20 something year old's still in the shadow of their parents and they are still children in my opinion.
very true. it depends on so many things. I notice that in the UK for example - lots of rich kids have very basic jobs and no career progression at all because their parents say "ah, they'll be ok - let them enjoy life and have fun". That's probably off topic but something I always found interesting and surprising.
I think I reached that point at 18. I realized my parents are simply older than I am, they're no more intelligent, just more experienced and so they have flaws just like everybody.
my parents were never in leadership or ownership positions as I am today so while I value them bringing me up, I don't need their career advice anymore. the lessons that they taught me are well-cemented, and the new issues I come up with are out of their realm
I'm in my late 20s. I think I stopped listening more actively towards the end of college. I still listen to them on certain things, mostly small things, but I think for the most part I'm doing my own due diligence on things and often consulting with others who may have more recently experienced something I am considering. Some of what my parents say can be too dated or doesn't really account for how things have actually changed, so it's hard to give it enough credibility.
Seems like we're in the same spot. Will they forever consider me an idiot and not take MY advice though?
Here's the thing, I tend to think less is more. I've got a good relationship with my parents and still do. I know them very well, and can easily predict how they'll respond to something. I think every kid has this type of instinct. As I've gotten older and been hit with more adult dilemmas, I've found it best to not bring up certain decisions I need to make to them. Letting them know of what options I have only makes a debate. Avoid the friction. Decide for yourself with the credible resources you have, and be reasonable. You have too many things to worry about in your life. If you stick to their advice and it turns out they're wrong, I can't see it being so easy for them to bail you out of things.
It's okay to make a decision on your own. Someone might not be always happy, like your parents. They might think you're an idiot because the outcome was not as expected. That's fine. Will they disown you? No. You only learn from every situation and sometimes you need to fail to see what you did miss.
Late teens
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Interesting thread. Would be helpful to know the cultural background of those who answer this question.
Here's the thing you have to realize, time/concepts will always continue to evolve, but people as individuals will not. Basically, at some point, everyone gets stuck in an era and thats how they live. So what that means is, sometimes your parents, or people from an older generation, mean well, but the world passes them by, or they let the world pass them by. Sometimes all at the same time, but in different aspects.
I'll give you an example; my grandmother is 88, she can drive a car, care for her own house, but doesn't know what the internet is. Take the news, its reported different now than it was when she was 25 (when she was 25 is was without bias, now a lot more bias); but she doesn't really understand that. So when she talks about news concepts, she doesn't have a complete grasp of what is going on. That's just an example, but you get the idea.
I think your point needs some refining, but I get what you're trying to say. Here's the issue:
Age where I stopped listening to my parents....13.
Age when I realized a lot of my parent's advice was good while a lot was also not.....probably 24 or 25....
I think it's really about realizing that your parents are imperfect adults like yourself. They don't have everything figured out, but they definitely have a lot of things figured out. If you truly still feel your parents don't get it at all, your maturity is either still on the level of a 13 year old or you have really really bad parents.
You are 30 years old, OP. You have been an adult for 12 years and a grown ass man for 8 or so. The whole conflict between mindlessly listening to your parents' advice or rebelling against it with angst should have stopped being relevant a decade ago or more. They are people who presumably care about you and have your best interests at heart. That doesn't mean they are always right.
As a grown ass man, you have the facilities to understand when your parents' advice is based on wisdom/life experience or if it is simply an opinion or approach of theirs. You can take what they say, consider it on its merits, realize that it may have showed you a new way of looking at a situation or that it may be outdated, irrelevant, or simply not what you want to do. Then either way you thank them, tell them you love them, and move on with your own life. Again - because you're a grown ass man and you are capable of making the final decision on matters that concern you.
Yeah and if I followed their advice 8-12 years ago my life would be substantially different. I've made plenty of decisions for myself that have shaped what I am today.
However, this has resurfaced now that we are discussing topics like wealth management, estate planning, what to do with the house, shit like that. Ultimately, I am wrapped up into their decisions as they have an impact on me one way or another.
- a grown ass man.
What was the money dispute in question? Your parents trying to tell you how to manage your money? You trying to tell your parents how to manage theirs?
What you describe is not uncommon in many places around the world. In a lot of places parents choose husbands and wives for their children, children also choose their careers based on what parents want. Even moving out and living on your own is considered weird/disrespectful. There is very little independence for young men and women. I’m assuming your not Arab or Asian, so you shouldn’t have a problem with this stuff. If you feel so impacted by them, create a bit of distance. Don’t cut them off or anything, but give yourself enough breathing room so you can think independently. I don’t know the full details of your situation, or why you feel the way you do, so if I’m totally off I’m sorry.
Wow I don't think I'd be able to answer the OP without knowing this
This topic spawned from a money dispute.
In my 20s, I didn’t really give my parents a lot of thought and did my own thing and was focused on my career.
Now, in my 30s, my parents are in their 80s and I help to take care of them. My mom has severe dementia and requires therapy and memory care. I don’t want to put her in a memory care facility as it’s more expensive and many times the staff doesn’t give a shit and they neglect the patients.
So I am the primary caregiver and live 2mi away from them, but really need to hire another caregiver as I am stretched thin for time at the moment. I have my own things that I work on including physical training, but definitely spend a lot of time taking care of my parents.
Sometimes I bring my mom over to my place and she hangs out while I do indoor cycling. That’s pretty cool and she likes seeing me train.
Overall, if I wasn’t around to help my parents at this time, their quality of life would be worse and I feel that taking care of them is a work of mercy, so it is spiritually fulfilling for me. My mom has a really good spirit and I feel lucky for these last moments I can spent with my parents as at some point they will be gone and I won’t be able to spend any time with them. Although, I think my mom will live the longest. People in my family usually last to their 90s. My uncle died at 96 and still played tennis in his 90s.
I remember another one of your comments about your mom and I have to say, I really respect you for how you involve her in your life despite the dementia. It might not be the coolest thing to do but it's very honorable.
Bless u
Life Decisions? 16
Life Discussion? Still ask them advice today.
Explanation: Every job, including after school was my choice. They told me that there will be no free money, so if you want something, you will have to earn it. Chose my own university (against their urging), major, first job, first apartment, wife, raising kids, etc.
I still call them to ask advice on odd topics: in college -- how to make a poached egg (remember, I am pre-internet folks) or how to deal with a dick boss.
Parents, at least mine, are used as a resource, and in exchange are provided Grandchildren, Christmas presents and a comfortable old age home in Del Boca Vista.
This is a fantastic distinction and approach to life.
The things I don't listen them to: Allocate more of your portfolio to fixed income
The things I do listen them to (and do need to be reminded of): Treat others like you want to be treated
I always listen to their advice, even though I know they are wrong sometimes. I owe everything to them.
As the youngest son I feel that I have been overprotected (or spoiled) for many years, and I think it's hard for them to acknowledge that their kids became independent people. I guess we will feel the same thing in the future with our children when they become adults. Luckily, my parents didn't influence in my career and have always supported me in that field, so most of their advice is focused on other aspects (girlfriends, good and bad friends, personality, etc.).
Enjoy all these moments with your parents while you can, they are your greatest ally in life and the best source of experience-based advice.
Parents are by far the smartest people I have ever met. They aren't PhDs or CEOs but they have overcome a lot in life to put me and my siblings in a position to succeed. They know almost nothing about finance/career paths but are very open-minded for boomers.
My mom taught in the inner city for her entire career and raised us in the city in slightly a nicer part of town than where she taught. So that was very formative and helps keep my perspective when I see what a lot of kids I grew up are doing with their lives versus me and my siblings. I went through a phase in 7-9 grade of wanting to be cool and that led to a lot of problems. From the kids I was exposed to, being cool was posting up on a block in a white beater and sagging jeans wanting to get in fights. Looking back at who I looked up to, I almost cringe considering most of those kids are now 20-22 y/o parents or drug dealers working part-time as a landscaper. It helps keep perspective and motivated to what I don't want to become. In High school, I kind of went through the typical partying phase but that passed when I got my head on straight in college. Growing up like that and having my parents keeping me and my siblings on our current path compared to almost all of the kids we grew up with is why I will always respect their opinion. Even if they know nothing about finance, they definitely have their head on straight and know a lot about people in general, so I will always hold their opinion in high-esteem even if I don't 100% agree with them. I think people need to give their parents more credit for having raised them, after seeing how wrong it can go.
Imo, If you're even aware of this site, you should respect your parents enough to hear what they say. There's a lot of places a parent can go wrong, so if they raised you to a point to be driven enough to find an entire forum about a career you want to get into, they have their head on somewhat straight.
There doesn’t have to be a sharp cut-off. Take what you find valuable and ignore everything else. My parents are experts in their fields, public sector. I value their opinions on geopolitics, defense, logistics, diplomacy etc. I can also get advice from them on a lot of practical things since they’re successful and reasonable people.
I don’t really take their advice or even ask for it when it’s clear they don’t have any particular insight. I sought out other mentors to help me get into finance, for example. I think this holds true with anyone. Weigh their opinion against their experiences.
I similarly accept all of my parent's advice on US/Russia relations and nothing else lol
Like would you marry a Russian 10 even though she is a communist?
my parents had a pretty close to laze faire attitude to raising me and my brother..they were generally smart people, and had our best interests at heart throughout pretty much my entire life...they know when to intrude for safety's sake, and when to be emotionally supportive and when allow us to make our own decisions without conflict...they offer perspective that we sometimes hadn't thought of, and tried their best to sheppard us thru times where we needed guidance.
So, really, i've rarely felt the need to rebel very much (16-20 maybe....but even then...not really)...we are still very close...i think they did a great job raising us into intelligent, inquisitive, logical people with empathy, loyalty and reason.
they also instilled in me the need to question authority (including their own)...not for the sake of...but when we felt it necessary and prudent because nobody is perfect and everybody makes mistakes. these were great life lessons....tho i'm aware that not everybody was blessed to have the supportive upbringing that we did...and for that, i am indeed advantaged.
You can and probably should listen to them throughout your whole life - just process what they're saying through your vision instead of blindly following what they say, which is what I've done all my conscious life. And looking back, the best decisions I've made in life at the age of 14,16,18,21,23,etc. were decisions that were made against my parents' opinion.
My son is 10 years old. And apparently resistant to education. No matter what we say or do is wrong or just ignored. He lets school slide, doesn't listen to us or his teacher, is cheeky, aggressive, laughs at me when I scold him, lies, steals from his grandmother and goes after us and his little sister (15 months) and so on…
I've been to family counselling, but that didn't help.
Can anyone help me or does anyone have any ideas or experienced the same problems??
God bless. I'm terrified of having kids because of the hell spawned child I was at that age. I blame Eminem.
Brio, why were you such a “demanding” child? It can't just be Eminem, can it? ;-) With our son, it only got this bad a few months ago, even before Corona, but since Corona things have got a bit worse, in my opinion. I also don't understand where all the aggression comes from. The only thing I can think of is that he either sees violence on TV or at school...but hitting his little sister makes me think... that’s the point where I have say "stop".
If you successfully made it to 30 before you stopped listening to your parents, kudos to your parents for being rockstars. Where I'm from, we call that being rich and having a perfect life.
Stopped listening when I was 17. Started listening again when I was 27.
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