Balancing relationship and career decisions

haxx0r31337's picture
Rank: Baboon | 122

Fellow monkeys,

Online probably isn't the best place to seek for advice but would like an external perspective regardless.

Some background: HYP undergrad, and a current 1st year associate at a BB Financial Sponsors Group in NYC. I recently got an offer to join a PE MF at another location (London). I'm from Europe and I've always wanted to return home post graduation so this is one area of interest for me as well.

This PE MF checks out and I've networked with a couple of alumni who have all said decent things about the culture of the firm and the team that I'll be working with. On a financial perspective, this is also a c. 70% increase over total comp vs. what I would get in BB IBD, but...

I recently met this girl who's an absolute 10 and I think I could go all the way with her... would definitely like to see where this would head but at the same time if I take this PE MF offer I would be effectively ending my chances with her (long-distance never works).

Honestly if she wasn't a consideration I would take the PE MF offer in a heartbeat, but I feel like if I go ahead and take it, I'll regret burning my chances with her forever.

Am I completely retarded if I choose to remain in BB IBD and stay with her - what do you guys think?

Comments (62)

Jan 17, 2019
haxx0r31337:

Fellow monkeys,

Online probably isn't the best place to seek for advice but would like an external perspective regardless.

Some background: HYP undergrad, and a current 1st year associate at a BB Financial Sponsors Group in NYC. I recently got an offer to join a PE MF at another location (London). I'm from Europe and I've always wanted to return home post graduation so this is one area of interest for me as well.

This PE MF checks out and I've networked with a couple of alumni who have all said decent things about the culture of the firm and the team that I'll be working with. On a financial perspective, this is also a c. 70% increase over total comp vs. what I would get in BB IBD, but...

I recently met this girl who's an absolute 10 and I think I could go all the way with her... would definitely like to see where this would head but at the same time if I take this PE MF offer I would be effectively ending my chances with her (long-distance never works).

Honestly if she wasn't a consideration I would take the PE MF offer in a heartbeat, but I feel like if I go ahead and take it, I'll regret burning my chances with her forever.

Am I completely retarded if I choose to remain in BB IBD and stay with her - what do you guys think?

I was friends with someone in a similar situation. Was in NYC and had option to move to London for a better position.

He was in a relationship and this fast forwarded their commitment to being engaged. He proposed in NYC. She had a good job in the city too, but he was in PE and she was in advertising/marketing (at a reputable company, but salary was likely 1/3 of his).

It was apparent that this was a baller opportunity and she seemed very ecstatic about the whole situation. Almost bubbly. They must have given him some offer over there, lol. She just quit her job. She knew this was a big deal for him and for their future relationship.

I think you have to try to pave the way to that point at least, if you want to continue the relationship. Are you even in a relationship? You just said 'met' the girl, so I wasn't sure. I think taking the offer should be a non-issue. It sounds like a good opportunity - go for it.

The only option should be if the chick is going to come with you and how you're going to play that card.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 13
Jan 17, 2019

To be clear, I don't mean try to 'pave the way' to popping the question to her before you leave, but just to the point that she is willing to make some commitment.

There are ways to speed this up. If you recently are in a relationship with her, you could invite her on a weekend beach getaway to the Caribbean or wherever (any trip) and you will see very quickly how the relationship is going to develop. You'll probably come back closer than before, or you might want to kill this chick by the end. You could very well be sick of her - who knows.

If you don't see a commitment for her wanting to go to London with you initially, you can still get a commitment from her to visit and offer to fly her out there once or twice. If this is the case and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, I think your initial moves in housing and lifestyle in London could be important in her vision of life with you and her decision to move. So think about that if that is your strategy when setting up shop in London.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 2
Jan 17, 2019

I think its tough man

Jan 17, 2019

Thanks! Not really "just met" - this has been going on for ~5 months...

I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet. But I think this person checks all the boxes for me by a wide margin though and I really don't want to give up on her. If this could've gone all the way, I'd regret it forever. I want to see this through.

She works in another BB's cap markets desk as well, so it's a bit tough.

The positive thing about this is that she actually wants to work overseas too (in particular, London), but has had limited success recruiting - so this would be a castle in the sky scenario.

I guess alternatively I could try to do PE MF recruiting in NYC? But as we know recruiting is always a high stakes game for someone at the right place and at the right time... there is no guarantee I could land another gig such as this over here (although I really like my group at my BB - decent team, decent hours, decent culture, comp leaves a bit to be desired but I am okay with it).

If she was a sure thing, I think I'm okay with giving up the PE MF (I mean what's the marginal utility of 1 additional dollar when you're already pretty comfortable? I think she'd make me way happier than any job could), but given this uncertainty, I'm not sure what's the right thing to do...

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Most Helpful
Jan 17, 2019
haxx0r31337:

she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet.

Sounds a bit like your answer there.

Honestly though, you need to have a straight up conversation with her, not with us.

"I have a fantastic opportunity in London that I want to take. I have a great time with you and really think we have a future together, but obviously this complicates things. We should talk about us."

Could turn out that she's down to move. Could turn out that she's not that interested in you anyhow (you're not exclusive yet? come on...) Could turn out that it's just bad timing and so much of relationships early on are all about timing.

It's easy for us to say things like "follow your heart, you can be successful anywhere" or "don't turn down the dream for the girl, because you'll always resent the girl for keeping you from the dream." None of us really know your situation or mindset completely though, much less hers'. You and her need to talk.

    • 18
Jan 17, 2019
haxx0r31337:

I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet.

Sounds like she's just not that into you.

How are you even considering turning down this opportunity?

How much time do you actually have to 'woo' her before you would have to move? You probably have to sweep her off her feet at this point or peacock like a motherfucker to let her know you're a BSD. Probably not something you can just talk to her about.

But also, some people connect and have chemistry and other people don't. To pass up a career opportunity for only a chance that this might work could be something you greatly regret. It sounds like London is your bird in the hand and she is the two in the bush. It doesn't even sound like you're confident she is going to come around at this point.

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

    • 5
Jan 18, 2019

Based on this, go for the MF offer. You're not even in a real relationship yet.

Jan 18, 2019

Go to London. If you've been seeing this girl for five months and you're still not in an official relationship, it's probably not gonna last or happen.

In my opinion, long distance has a better shot of working than dating someone who it took five months to figure out whether they wanted to be with you.

In fact, I would go a step further to cut them out of my life and move on. This sounds like someone that could drag you on for years without getting anywhere.

    • 2
Jan 19, 2019
haxx0r31337:

~5-months....

I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet.

This is a HUGE red flag my brother.

She doesn't value you. DUMP HER.

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Jan 22, 2019
haxx0r31337:

Thanks! Not really "just met" - this has been going on for ~5 months...

I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet. But I think this person checks all the boxes for me by a wide margin though and I really don't want to give up on her. If this could've gone all the way, I'd regret it forever. I want to see this through.

She works in another BB's cap markets desk as well, so it's a bit tough.

The positive thing about this is that she actually wants to work overseas too (in particular, London), but has had limited success recruiting - so this would be a castle in the sky scenario.

I guess alternatively I could try to do PE MF recruiting in NYC? But as we know recruiting is always a high stakes game for someone at the right place and at the right time... there is no guarantee I could land another gig such as this over here (although I really like my group at my BB - decent team, decent hours, decent culture, comp leaves a bit to be desired but I am okay with it).

If she was a sure thing, I think I'm okay with giving up the PE MF (I mean what's the marginal utility of 1 additional dollar when you're already pretty comfortable? I think she'd make me way happier than any job could), but given this uncertainty, I'm not sure what's the right thing to do...

Lol been dating for 5 months but won't commit. She's fucking other guys but thanks for the dinners at Buddakan.

Take the job.

    • 9
Jan 27, 2019

If she's not ready to commit to a relationship after 5 months then that is a giant red flag.. I don't know the circumstances but if you both have been dating for close to half a year she clearly isn't interested in a long term relationship. You have a great job and can easily find someone else at this point in your life

Jan 17, 2019

if this is your dream job and aligned w/ where you want to be long term, then you're crazy to bail on it for a 5 month relationship. at the end of the day, women vote w/ their feet. in other words, if she chooses to move w/ you then you know you have the real deal. if she doesnt, then it wasn't a strong as you thought. don't project your own interest onto her and assume it's her own thoughts.

Jan 17, 2019

Sorry bro, you aren't thinking clearly. To answer your question, yes, you would be retarded. If you really want to put this "relationship" to the test, bring up the idea of sticking around to be with her and passing on the opportunity. Gauge her reaction - 90% chance she tells you to take the job.

Speaking from personal experience - my current partner lived in another country when I had an exceptional opportunity. We did long distance for a year (skyping literally every day @ 8pm) and then she moved countries to be with me. Long distance rarely works but it can with quality people.

Not trying to be savage but "relationship" seems like a serious stretch. You are willing to sack a golden opportunity for someone who won't rejected the idea to be exclusive with you. Consider the lack of mutual commitment. Does that seem concerning to you?

    • 2
Jan 17, 2019

Bro, you've known this chick for 5 months and now you're all infatuated to the point where you'd give up going back home and making it rain cash shmoney?

"I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet." That's her way of saying she isn't interested bro.

"But I think this person checks all the boxes for me by a wide margin though and I really don't want to give up on her." - yeah, but do you check all the boxes for her?

You're being blinded by this chick. Girls come and go, don't let this chick have so much emotional control over you that you're willing to sacrifice an opportunity that would change your life. This chick clearly doesn't see you in the same light, I doubt she'll move fucking countries with you. Just move on bro. Deadass, if you can't see this clearly, you gotta rub one out and then reevaluate.

    • 3
Jan 17, 2019

It might be a harsh perspective but yes as to others' points, girls do come and go. I can see this being more of a worthwhile debate if you were already in a committed long term relationship with this girl but 5 months?

We've all gone through it, we fall for someone and over the next few months, you think they're the "one" but once you get past that phase, different criteria is taken into account on whether you should continue the relationship.

Just think about it, if this really is your career and life goal, it's going to come back to haunt you if you don't seize the opportunity. Even worse, you might even come to resent the girl undeservedly if it doesn't work out in NYC professionally.

That being said, you moving away doesn't necessarily mean things can't work out. There's plenty of scenarios where you two can end up together, it won't be easy but it'll prove she's the one for you.

Feel free to PM me if you just wanna chat, I went through a similar thing about a year ago, except I broke off a 5 year relationship.

    • 4
Jan 17, 2019

Pussy is one hell of a drug...

    • 13
Jan 17, 2019
Pizz:

Pussy is one hell of a drug...

riiiiiiiight

"If you always put limits on everything you do, physical or anything else, it will spread into your work and into your life. There are no limits. There are only plateaus, and you must not stay there, you must go beyond them." - Bruce Lee

Jan 17, 2019

Mr. Burns knows

Cash and cash equivalents: $138,311
Financial instruments and other inventory positions owned: $448,166

    • 2
Jan 17, 2019

PE MF in London all the way.
Speaking from experience here, Euro girls are hotter, esp in London.....
She's very easy to replace. Only saying this bc it's been 5 months and she still doesn't want to be exclusive with you. This is one sided bro.....

thots and prayers

Jan 17, 2019

Opportunity of a lifetime vs girl who's not keen to be exclusive after 5 months.

You are head over heels and she's keen to be selective and make sure all her eggs are not in one basket to make sure she has choices.

You are blinded, London and never look back.

    • 2
Jan 17, 2019

I guess I'll need to talk to her even if it's gonna suck

Thanks y'all

    • 2
Jan 17, 2019

Go make tons of money. Shes already basically told you that youre not the one. I wouldnt need a job opportunity to dump her if thats what I was looking for when she made that comment :).

Funniest
Jan 18, 2019

No, bro. Definitely not. Money all the way. If you have money > pussy will always come. If you have a pussy > doesn't mean money will come after it. It must be a hell of a pussy to give away that much increased in come over the time period - definitely not worth it at all. Take it from the guy who been in this for a very long long time (both in banking and dating) and already had to make those choices before already.

Take the salary increment - assume USD 200,000 all in compared to USD 300,000 a year all in from the new job = USD 100,000 in total increased, per night high end escort at USD 1,000 per night - that is like 100 different girls for 100 different nights in a year. If you can logically justify that she is that good - then I have nothing more to say.

    • 22
Jan 18, 2019

Well said mate

    • 1
Jan 18, 2019

Naoki with the calculation. Pull out your HP-12C's kids, Hanzawa-sensei is holding lecture.

    • 1
Jan 18, 2019

Your dream girl is waiting for you in London.

Take the offer and don't look back.

    • 2
Jan 18, 2019

Stop being a pussy and take the job

    • 1
Jan 18, 2019

London is about to open. You should call them asap and tell them you're accepting the offer.

Jan 18, 2019

Bro, just take the PE MF offer - are you fucking out of your mind?!

You seem heads over heel for this girl and ready to sacrifice for her - but will she do the same for you? Relationships need commitment from BOTH sides, you can't fucking clap with one hand.

If she can't see the value in you even after all of that, this just sounds like an endeavor that's not worth it (from YOUR perspective).

When this all boils down - trust me you will have NO regrets, but perhaps she will for letting you go.

Plenty of women out there in the sea, and you have the pedigree - Ivy League graduate, working in a PE megafund - why the fuck is this even a doubt?

    • 2
Jan 18, 2019

no matter how hot she is, there's always someone hotter, and remember if you get married, plan on it being for life. is she still a 10 with stretch marks, a wrinkly forehead, and bags under her eyes? if not, it's not love mate.

move to London and spend your relo bonus on a bender in prague or spain, you'll have plenty of opps with 10s

    • 1
Jan 18, 2019

Take the job. Shouldn't require an explanation.

Not too high, not too low

Jan 18, 2019

Lol you're not even in a relationship with this chic yet? Please don't be a simp. Go to London.

Jan 18, 2019

Background: I'm one of the older, more grounded guys on here. I have a wife and kids that I love and I value a great work/life balance. I'm one of the most likely to tell you to give the girl a shot.

However, you've been "together" for 5 months without being exclusive (?) and "I've tried popping the relationship question with her recently (we're not exclusive yet) but she told me that the next person she will date she will likely go all the way with, and that she's not ready yet." IS all you need to know.

We get it she's hot. That's cool, but will become less important in 10 years. Given that she wants to go to London she's really paved the way for your attempt to keep her. You can fly her out for a few weekends, help her job hunt, etc... Ultimately you can try everything in your power to make a long distance relationship work, but you CAN NOT turn down the job.

Honestly, there's a 90% chance this doesnt work out with her when you move, but there's an 85% chance it doesnt work out in NYC.

You'll 100% find out how she feels about you when you tell her that you have a job opportunity in London that you dont think you can pass up and you know London is her dream too so you want to make this work. Within 3 minutes of saying that to her you'll know exactly where you stand and what the likely outcome of your relationship was going to be (regardless of location).

twitter: @CorpFin_Guy

    • 5
Jan 18, 2019

there are 7B people on earth. Take the job and if it's meant to be you guys can work it out, if not move on.

Jan 18, 2019

Simple rule in life - You should never make someone a priority if that person only treats you as an option.

Take the job in London. London is a fantastic city (I used to live there) and you will easily meet someone who will make you forget about this girl. Plus, believe it or not, English girls dig the American accent in the same way American girls dig guys with English/"British" accents.

    • 1
Jan 18, 2019

OP is basically a bachelorette contestant proposing cancelling life-altering plans to have a 1/26 shot at maybe having a chance to just date this girl exclusively. Dude, come on I assume you don't have a ton of experience with women if you are even considering this but your life will be much better off improving yourself first.

    • 3
Jan 19, 2019

You and her need to sit down and have some serious discussions on what you want as individuals, and together, to happen in the next month, quarter, year, 3 years, etc. Have a deep dive chat on career aspirations, thoughts on marriage, potential kids, religion, the heavy stuff etc. Might be tough at first, but I think it's absolutely necessary in this situation.

To move forward, you need to be on the same page. You might learn you're aligned and you can move to London together because you're aligned on what you want, or you might both want completely different things and I guarantee you'll find a babe elsewhere. You're an HYP grad pulling fat cash. You're every 10s dream guy.

My opinion is if it's 5 months in and you've discussed being in an exclusive relationship but she's wishy washy on it, you have ZERO reason to prioritize her over your career.

    • 4
Jan 19, 2019
Banana Bandana:

if it's 5 months in and you've discussed being in an exclusive relationship but she's wishy washy on it, you have ZERO reason to prioritize her over your career.

THIS

By 5 months in, I was either engaged or right on the cusp and I knew 100% that she would say yes. How did I know? We discussed it. Been married for 20 years now. Take the job and don't even think about it.

    • 3
Jan 19, 2019

UK is going to be a shitshow for the foreseeable future. Stay in the US.

    • 1
Jan 21, 2019

This has got to be one of the funniest threads on WSO. Poor guy getting trolled.

I think you'll find another gal in London. Unless you were dating for 5+ years not sure why the hesitancy lol

Jan 23, 2019

I am a girl and I suggest you go all the way with London no hesitation...

Jan 26, 2019

As a girl -- take the job, go to London. I would do the same.

Jan 27, 2019

Future said.
"Chase a check never chase a bitch"

    • 1
Jan 27, 2019

You can put all your eggs in 1 basket with this chick or you can take the best opportunity & down the road you'll have more options with several 10s. Self-improve & get out there. You'll meet so many chicks and your Game will improve.

Work hard, work clean, & most of all do not give up.

Jan 28, 2019

Hey man,

While no one here can know the precise dynamics of your relationship with this girl, from the description you've provided, it sounds like she's just not that into you. It also sounds like you're infatuated. That's a bad combination. If you had been dating exclusively, and it looked like things were about to get really serious, I might have different advice, but that's not the case here.

If you've only been dating casually for 5 months, and she's not even at the point of making your relationship exclusive, you're probably reaching. If she were that into you, it probably wouldn't have taken 5 months to commit to something. Right now, she's sleeping with other people, and you're considering giving up what sounds like your dream job. That doesn't sound like a smart move.

Perhaps I've characterized the situation incorrectly, but if she's a '10' in your book (or anyone else's), there's an excellent chance she has a glut of options from very eligible men. Even coming from a HYP/BB/MF background, and even if you're in great shape, great looking, charming, worldly and cultured, you might still not measure up favorably to what a real 10 in NY or London has to choose from.

A 10, to be clear, is mostly not based on looks. It's a compatibility thing. She has to be extremely good-looking, your ideal body type, well-educated, come from a good family that you get along with, enjoy at least some of your hobbies, tolerate your foibles, have a great sense of humor, fuck like a demon, have a similar libido to yours, have career ambitions that mesh with your goals (and vice-versa), and essentially want the same things you want without stepping on one another's toes all the time. Given this, you don't know that she's a 10. You see high scores in some of those stats, and mistake that for circumspection. It sounds like you haven't done the due diligence to make such a high-risk decision. Since you'd be punting on a sure thing with a high payout in the hopes of converting on a low-probability event, the payout on that event has to be much, much higher in your mind than the MF job offer. And like I said, it seems you haven't done the DD to make that call.

    • 8
Jan 28, 2019

You should take the job, if you were in a serious relationship I suppose you could ask her to weigh her opinion and her feelings but if the relationship is new you should probably prioritize the role. If she is the right one she will totally understand/work things out with you. If she thinks you're worth it there is always a solution. The big question that might help is how would you feel if you took the job and she left? vs how would you feel if you stayed with her and she left? which option would make you feel more regret. That's your answer as far as which one is more important to you.

On an encouraging note, sounds like you are doing well for yourself, regardless of the decision you make sounds like you have a bright future ahead of you. Hoping for the best regarding the role and your lady friend. I hope you get to have your cake and eat it too!

    • 3
Jan 29, 2019

ake the job - and don't ask for her permission to go. Just tell her that you're moving to London and that she can come visit. Play hard to get and play it cool.

If you play your cards right, she might just be blown away and become even more interested in you. How many guys would tell her 'hey thanks for everything, but i'm pursuing my dreams and moving to London..'

If you tell her straight up you're moving to London, you'll appear like an Alpha in her eyes. She probably thinks you're Beta right now and isn't sure if she should commit. Teach her a lesson by 'letting her go'. She'll never forget you then.

    • 3
Jan 29, 2019

Why not make her your Fuck Buddy? That way, you can still visit her/or she visits you and you can still smash. Problem solved.

Jan 29, 2019

Dude, first of all congrats on your offer. Now, my 2 cents of advice:

1) Ask your dad for advice. I don't want to sound lame here, but I actually to this once in a while. It's surprising how wise our parents can be in common life matters (such as love vs carreer, etc).

2) Think of both the best and worst case scenarios if you go and if you stay (4 scenarios in total). Then try to describe them with as much details as you can and write them down. Our minds sometimes exaggerate things - for the better and worse. Writing them down helps me to keep a clear head when thinking of consequences. Hope it helps you too.

3) Follow your gut, man. What do you really want?

    • 1
Jan 30, 2019

You just busted your ass for years to get this job and now you'd honestly consider dropping it because you.....might.....end up with her? What if she dumps you tomorrow?

If she's a real "10" she'll stick around and support you.

Jan 30, 2019

Bring it up to her. If she isn't equally willing to drop her shit to go with you and take advantage of your good fortune and prosperity as you are to give that up to be with her, then you're not on an equal footing here. If you're meant to be, then you can reconnect a few months after you leave and see if she's still sticking around.

But as others have said, she's as likely to view you as a booty call right now as a boyfriend, so it's a little crazy that you're considering giving up a dream opportunity to hope that maybe in a few months she'll be ready to stop being physically and emotionally intimate with other men.

Also... anyone woman says "the next person I date will be the man I marry" is also going to be divorcing that person before marrying again. Putting that kind of timeline on it is a GIANT red flag

Feb 1, 2019

How you perceive this as "balancing relationship and career" is beyond me.

Given what you've told us about your "relationship" with her, the only thing you ought to be "balancing" is the balance sheets.

Have a great time in London, and congratulations!

Feb 1, 2019

First on location: I have lived in both London and NYC as a single guy, 5 yrs and 6 yrs respectively. NYC has a lot of 10s but London doesn't have nearly enough. Not a good place to be single. Ratio is always against you and pretty unpleasant overall even with online dating. Even 5s are just too cocky because they are aware of the situation. However, great place to raise a family as I'm sure you know. I also would like to end up there with my wife at some point in the future if it becomes more immigrant friendly.

You'll never be this age again, but you will be able to find another job offer in London sometime in the future if you keep working hard, while bringing your 10 of a wife with you.

Second: Yes, long distance never works, never waste your time on that sht.

    • 1
Feb 1, 2019

Distance works when both are willing. Grad school took my girlfriend across the country 8 months ago and we're still going strong. Just got to have a plan to rekindle once it makes sense.. without that, then there's no real point....

But with relevance to your story, jump back across the pond and forget about her my dude. As countless others on this thread have already stated.... she's not even down to commit to only you.. and you've been seeing her for 5 months. Sack up, pack up and don't look back. You'll thank yourself sooner than later

Cultivating mass and wealth since '95

Feb 3, 2019

I took the offer. I think infatuation is the right word here.

But I'm still a greedy bastard so I want to take the cake and eat it too.

    • 4
Feb 3, 2019

congrats man!

Feb 4, 2019

I think your fellow monkeys would agree you made the right decision.

Eventually reach out to her and invite her for a visit once you're all setup just to test the waters. Don't start a relationship long distance though.

Feb 4, 2019
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Feb 4, 2019